All Dressed Up

Last night, I went to a beauty supply store for a make-up class. The store was giving a complimentary Bare Minerals class to people who bought the Masterpiece Collection. I bought the kit a couple of weeks ago and signed up for the class on a whim. Sounded fun and I figured I might learn a few things.

Well, only three of the 20 people who signed up for the class actually showed up. With so few of us, the store cancelled the Bare Minerals “expert” that was supposed to lead the class and one of the girls who works in the store conducted it, instead. The girl, Sarah, was nice enough, but YOUNG. And she wore A LOT of make-up. I chalked this up to the fact that she worked in a beauty supply store, and settled in to enjoy the class.

Sarah started with me. She decided to demonstrate a “night look” on me. She chose colors from which I would normally run screaming. But, hey, I was there to learn, right? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. As she applied, and applied, and applied some more, I watched the other two girls’ faces for hints of how I might look. They kept saying I looked great. Like I was ready to go out! When Sarah handed me the mirror, I was stunned. I looked like Amy Winehouse on her worst day. I struggled to maintain my composure so I wouldn’t hurt Sarah’s feelings. “It looks…. good,” I said, hesitantly.

I looked like a crack whore. There was so much black eyeliner around my eyes that I could feel it. I wanted to rush home and scrub it all off, but instead, I watched as the other girls had their turn. They ended up looking very nice. Not at all crack whorey. I thanked Sarah for her time, paid for the lip gloss I wanted, and drove home.

I came into the house and paused in the laundry room. I asked Gerald if he was ready to see my new look, and I made a grand entrance into the living room. The look on his face was priceless. He was all “Is that what they taught you? THAT’S what they said you should do???” When I replied in the affirmative, he said “Well, it sure doesn’t work for you.” He then went on to say that it seemed to be the style these days, but I was too old for it.

TOO OLD.

I started to get indignant, but stopped because HE WAS RIGHT. I am too old for that look. And you know what else? I don’t need that much damn make-up on. I like my face the way it is. I use make-up to hide flaws, (i.e., ZITS) and bring a little polish to my look. I don’t want to look like I’m wearing a metric ton of eyeliner.

Anyhow, the class was a total bust, but it was fun. I got to spend a few hours away from the stresses of home and play with make-up. It was like a sleepover… but without the toilet papering.

Filed under: daily on June 18th, 2008 | 11 Comments »

The surgeon’s office FINALLY got all their shit together and is submitting my case to the insurance company for approval. It should take about 30 days to hear back on whether or not it’s approved.

I’m so ready to be done with this, already. By the time I have the surgery, it will have been A YEAR since I first went to the seminar. No one can say I rushed into this, that’s for sure.

Filed under: WLS on June 17th, 2008 | 4 Comments »

1. New Asics shoes
2. Adidas Performance Socks
3. Arm Band for iPod
4. Gym Membership Key Card
5. Old School Sweatband

I joined a gym. Srsly. I consulted experts and researched the internets and found the best running shoe for me. I bought the shoes and four pairs of cool-max socks. I got an arm band for my iPod and I bought four totally retarded sweatbands.

What?

Are you laughing at me? Listen here, Judgey McJudgerson, I wear contacts and I sweat. A lot. Sweat + contacts = OW. I can’t wipe my eyes, either, without effing up my contacts. So screw everyone who laughs at me. I’m gonna be at the gym, pounding the treadmill, ass jiggling for all it’s worth and I’m going to be wearing a punk-ass sweatband.

Oh, and for the record, Maddie likes her some cool-max socks.

Filed under: exercise on June 16th, 2008 | 12 Comments »

I am still afraid of the dark.

Filed under: confessional on June 15th, 2008 | 6 Comments »

* I have a weird OCD compulsion when eating. If I’m eating a colored candy, I have to sort them into color groups and eat one color at a time. Also, I have to eat broken things first. We keep pretzels in the house and every time I eat them, I have to eat all the broken ones first. Then I have a pile of pretty pretzels.

* I have the opposite of anorexia. I never feel as fat as I am. When I catch a glimpse of myself, I’m almost always surprised at how big I am. “I’m fat? Well when the hell did that happen??”

* I anthropomorphize all animals.

* I’m a cat person.

* The only diet pop I like is Dr Pepper. More places need to serve it. Not EVERYONE wants Diet Coke.

* Whenever I feel a miscellaneous gurgle in my abdomen, I automatically think “baby moving.” WTF? I spent 30 years of my life not pregnant. I only spent 8 months pregnant, so how did that redefine my perception?

* I’m allergic to alcohol. I get all red-faced and sweaty whenever I drink. Not that it stops me.

* I have never ridden a horse.

* The thing I miss the most from the pre-Maddie days is going to the movies.

* My favorite story about my mom is as follows: She and my dad where out somewhere having dinner, and they were seated close to the computer thing where the servers enter in the orders. My mom overheard a conversation between some servers and got all in a dither over it. She said to my dad, “I cannot believe they’re having such an inappropriate conversation!!” Of course, my dad knew what was coming, so he tried to slink below the table and hide. “Talking about the difference between SKANKS and WHORES while at work? Where we can hear them?? That’s intolerable!” She pulled herself up to the full extent of her self-righteous 5 feet, and said, “Excuse me, but we would prefer not to have to listen to such an inappropriate conversation while we have dinner.” The servers just looked at her quizzically for a few seconds and then the light dawned for one of them. He replies to my mom, “Ma’am, we’re talking about the difference between STEAK and PORK. How is that inappropriate?”

Needless to say, she was somewhat deflated.

Filed under: friday facts on June 13th, 2008 | 17 Comments »

There are blogs in my reader that make me sad. You know what I mean? The ones where the blogger is trying so hard to be something. Not even necessarily something they’re not. Maybe just MORE something. More intelligent, more witty, more obnoxious, more popular… the list goes on and on. When I read that kind of blog, it makes me sad and I want to delete them from my reader.

There are also blogs that make me sad because they embody everything I want to be. They’re funny, irreverent, intelligent and wildly popular. Each post gets more comments than I do in a week of posting. I want to delete those from my reader, too, because I get jealous and end up trying to be MORE.

Filed under: daily on June 12th, 2008 | 9 Comments »

It has come to our attention that our word verification program sucks ass. Therefore, we have updated said program. The first time one leaves a comment, it will need to be verified. Following comments will not. Hopefully, this will greatly reduce the ass sucking. We expect the number of comments to increase exponentially with this update. You got that?? EXPONENTIALLY, bitches.

Sincerely,
All Dressed Up Mgmt.

Filed under: daily on June 11th, 2008 | 15 Comments »

If someone asked me to sum up parenthood in one word, I think I’d choose “humbling.” Today, that is. Other days I might choose “exhausting,” or “monotonous,” or “amazing,” or even “spectacular.” But, I think I feel humbled more so than anything else.

Maddie responds to the words “I love you,” by blowing a kiss back. She sees me after an absence (even just a trip to the bathroom) and responds with a very enthusiastic “HI!” I feel so loved when she does these things.

She has a large pink ball that she adores. You know, the big balls (heh heh) you can buy at the grocery store or Target. When I throw it back into her play yard for her, she runs to the ball and says “HI BAH!” and kisses it. She. kisses. her. ball. and I am immediately knocked down a peg. I remember that she really doesn’t understand the concept of love yet. She expresses affection the same way to everything that she likes.

Maddie says the following words in the correct context now: Ball (bah), Mimi (her favorite book is called Sweet Dreams, Mimi), Meow (neyow), Dada, Tickle (ticka ticka ticka), Nina (neh-nah) and Hi. What word is missing from this list? Oh, yes, it’s “mama.” When I go into her room first thing in the morning she says “Hi Neh-Neh!” Um, excuse me, but who is this Neh-Neh? Because my name is Mama. Again, I’m served a great big slice of humble pie.

At first, my feelings were hurt by her refusal to call me mama. She says the words for the things she likes a whole lot and I decided that meant she didn’t like me enough to call me mama. I know that’s asinine, but that’s how I felt. Now, I realize that’s not the case at all, but it still twinges when I hear her say “Hi Dada!”

Filed under: baby, daily on June 11th, 2008 | 11 Comments »

I walked today. 45 minutes. It was 9809687506734 degrees outside. The baby was pissy. But we effing did it.

I swear, those bitches better not leave me hanging on this half-marathon shit. We are going to walk the HELL out of that thing. You hear me Ks??

Anyhow. During this walk, I got a blister on my pinkie toe. It hurts like crazy. I’m going to need to get new shoes sooner rather than later. In the past, I have always picked out tennis shoes based solely on looks. Right now, I’m rocking a pair of Nike Trail Runners in a sassy combo of grey, pink and indigo. They are fiercely cute, but not made for walking long distances. They just opened a Lady Footlocker in the next town over, so I think I’m going to check it out one evening this week.

I’m officially “on hold” waiting to hear back on my surgery. I’ve had a psych eval, done six months of medically supervised weight loss, and provided five years’ worth of medical records. Now, the surgeon’s office will submit the request to my insurance company and in a month or so, I’ll know their verdict.

I’m absolutely terrified that it’s going to be denied.

Filed under: WLS, exercise, daily on June 9th, 2008 | 13 Comments »

I sucked my thumb until I was in my 20s.

There. I’ve told you my most humiliating secret. That’s one less I have to keep, now.

Filed under: confessional on June 8th, 2008 | 11 Comments »