We’ve talked about me going back to work full-time if the salary was enough to justify the cost of childcare for both kids. I’ve had an interview and two more requests for interviews, so things look promising on that front.

BUT

I can’t wrap my mind around how I’ll actually make it work. How in god’s name am I supposed to get myself and two kids ready every morning, work all day, take a 1/2 hour lunch so I can get out of there even sooner to pick up the kids, get everyone home, cook dinner, bathe and get both kids to bed. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? As it stands now, I’m responsible for about 98% of the kids’ daily care and the running of the household. This can’t continue if I’m also going to be working in an office all day.

Gerald would prefer for me to stay home if it was possible. He’ll have to disrupt his beloved work schedule to enable us to carpool if I get a job in the city because taking my minivan all the way to Dallas and back everyday will bankrupt us right quick. He’s also going to have to pick up more responsibilities around the house and in taking care of the kids. This is kind of a lot to ask a guy who doesn’t want me to work in the first place. He likes the way things are now, but knows that this is something we need to do right now.

Please don’t misinterpret this. He’s not mean, or ugly or pouty about it at all. But I know it bothers him and I know he’s stressed about how it’s all going to work. And so am I. I’ve never worked full-time with kids before. I have no idea how y’all make it work. Would you please share some of your tips and secrets with me? And maybe throw in a “Don’t worry! It’s not as hard as you think it is!” Even if it’s a lie.

Wrong.

Today, my boss called me into a conference room to chastise me for it. Item The First: There is absolutely NO PROFANITY tolerated in the workplace. Yes, “jackass” counts as profanity. Item The Second: Calling someone a jackass is “name-calling” and could be an HR issue, should anyone want to pursue it. This serves as my “off the record” warning.

Lessons learned: It’s ok to call a coworker stupid, as that is not technically “a name” nor is it swearing. Also, apparently, I’m 8 years old again.

1. I haven’t worked full-time in more than three years. I’m not used to being away from home so many hours a week. My ass is not accustomed to sitting in a hard office chair for so many hours a day. (Especially without all the ass-padding it used to have!) I’m not used to having to use an alarm to wake up at ungodly o’clock. With being pregnant, so sleep is sketchy at best which makes the aforementioned ungodly o’clock rising even harder to take.

2. I’m supposed to be gone from home for 50 hours a week and still run this joint? How in the world am I supposed to find time to clean and launder and grocery shop and cook dinner in addition to spending Quality Time with my kid? It’s IMPOSSIBLE, I tells ya. IMPOSSIBLE. I get home from work and devote Maddie’s pre-bedtime hours to dinner and playing and snuggling. Then, when she goes to bed I try to get my shit done. By the time that’s all finished, it’s time for me to drag my tired ass to bed. (I’ve never worked full-time with a kid, btw. Once she was born, I went back on a part-time basis.)

God, I’m saying all this like I’m the only person in the history of ever that’s had to balance work/home/family. NONE of you has EVER done this herculean task! And I’ve been working for all of THREE DAYS and am pissed because I haven’t found the perfect routine. Because certainly, three days is plenty of time to adjust to a major life change. If you’ve stopped reading because of my blatant douchebaggery, I completely understand. Hell, I’d quit reading, too.

BUT!

My job is great. I like what I do. Well, I like what I think I’m supposed to do. I’m probably doing it all wrong. The people I work for and with seem nice and laid-back. I talked to my supervisor about Situation Knocked Up today and she took it really well. She didn’t seem upset or like she thought I was a douchebag for not disclosing the info in the interview. I like being around adults again and not spending all day dealing with a tiny, sometimes evil, dictator. I’m enjoying actually missing Maddie instead of wishing I was anywhere else but home with her.

Also, there will be MONEY soon. An actual, real live paycheck that represents all the hard work I’ve done. And I won’t be poor! Ok, well I’ll still be poor, according to my money managing husband, but STILL.

*sigh*

Anyhow, I’ve been being beaten down by The Man as per my usual rants re: The Workplace. That’s soon to come to an end, thank you 8 pound 5 ounce baby jesus. More to come on that once The Man is officially The Ex.

Coming Soon:
one year post-op extravaganza
summer plans including BlogHer, visits to Nana and Papa and surgeries
recent reads
potty training

AnyHOW, let’s talk about BlogHer. Shelly and I have been burning up the internets with our email correspondence regarding All Things BlogHer. The current item being discussed is Packing. Here’s the sitch: We’re both flying American Airlines which has that douche baggity policy about charging $25 for each checked bag each way. So, basically it’s $50 in addition to the ticket price in order to bring a piece of luggage bigger than a pair of underwear and toiletries that aren’t ziplocked and precisely three ounces and NOT A DROP MORE. GAH! In order to avoid the douche baggity TSA restrictions you have to pay the douche baggity fee! These airlines sure are DOUCHE BAGS. (Ahem. I’m fine now, really.) We’ve been told that there’s quite a bit of crap swag given out at BlogHer and that we might even want some of it. They advise bringing a good-sized suitcase and packing lightly to leave room to cart all your ill-gotten-gains home. Well, I don’t know about you, but if I was going to a huge four day long party with some of the coolest people I’ve never met, I wouldn’t choose to go the “packing lightly” route. I’m going to want options, people. I can’t be there with very few clothes and then see what other people are wearing and NOT have the option of changing! I mean, what are we? Amish? I figure I can deal with the bullshit TSA rules and cram my stuff into a carry-on, but that ain’t gonna leave me room for swag, you know what I’m sayin?

Shelly had the brilliant idea to, you know, ask someone who’s actually been to BlogHer before. This person’s advice was to pack a carry-on and include a duffel bag in the carry-on. That way, we have something to cart home swag in and would only have to pay the $25 on the return flight. GENIUS! Why in the hell couldn’t we think of that on our own??? Probably because our brains are addled with thoughts like: OMGIcan’t believeIgettomeet… andwhatwillIwear… andwhatifnoonetalkstome… whatifIgetlost… whatif… whatif… etc, etc, etc. (Say that last part like you’re the King of Siam, please.)

Meanwhile, Gerald’s going out of town next week, so it’s going to be me and Maddie for five whole days. ALONE. Anyone want in on the over/under for when I snap and list her on eBay? “Gently Used Toddler Girl – only slightly assholish. $.99 No Reserve.”

Maddie’s debut as a flowergirl last weekend went off without a hitch. She did exactly what she was supposed to do and charmed everyone. She totally gets that from me, you know.

Speaking of Maddie, she’s got Scarlet Fever. WTF? I always thought that was an old timey thing like Consumption or whatev. She’s doped up on ibuprofen for the double ear infection and sore throat, Benadryl for the itchy rash and Amoxicillan for the cooties. We’re watching more TV than we ought to and she’s whining more than I care for, but we’re surviving. (Speaking of toddler TV, what is it with Wubbzy? My kid loves that damn show more than she loves me. If our house was on fire and she had to choose between saving me or Wubbzy, she’d use me a step to reach Wubbzy.)

I find it ironic that as BlogHer gets closer, I’m blogging less and less. (I feel like I owe you an explanation or an excuse, but I don’t. Not really, right? I mean, I write when I write and you read when you read. We’re cool like that.) Anyhow, back to BlogHer. There’s local meetup this weekend for pre-BlogHer socializing. I’m planning on going, but if I wake up that morning with a raging case of Awk, forget it. I’m already nervous enough about meeting you guys, I don’t need the added stress of wondering whether or not the other bloggers are telling you exactly how Awk I was at the meetup. I’d prefer to spring the Awk on you when you’re all liquored up at the cocktail party. That way your recollection of having met me will be fuzzy at best and you’ll think I was perfectly charming.

Probably I’ve put WAY to much thought into this, right?

I’m going back to work full-time in the next couple of weeks. No, it’s not because Maddie’s douchbaggery has reached Critical Mass or anything like that. Honestly, I was extremely happy with our previous part-time situation. I loved what I was doing at work and the opportunity to have an identity outside of Maddie’s Mom AND the ability to spend four full days a week with her. It was the best of both worlds. For me and Maddie, that is. For Gerald? Not so much.

See, in order for me to work half a job, Gerald works two. And he’s also working very hard on a project that will enable us to be in business for ourselves. His stress level has reached Critical Mass and something’s got to give. So, for us, that means that he’ll give up on of his jobs and I’ll go back full-time. This isn’t ideal and isn’t what we want for our family in the long term. But it’s time to suck it up, buttercup. We’re all sacrificing now so that we can achieve our goals. (I figure if I keep telling myself this stuff it’ll sink in eventually. In the meantime, I’m wallowing in self-pity and learning new and exciting ways to sigh laboriously as if the weight of the entire world is upon my shoulders. I’m kind of a drama queen that way.)

In other news, Maddie’s going to be the flower girl in my step-sister’s wedding tomorrow evening. I’ll be sure to bombard you with photos of my girl in her beautiful dress doing all sorts of inappropriate things. She’s supposed to walk down the aisle strewing silk rose petals out of a basket. Any bets on what she actually does? I’m betting on there being running and possibly a loud comment about “boobies!” or “pooping!” It’ll be memorable, that’s for sure.

Get this: While scanning the company handbook, I happen to read a blurb that specifically prohibits blogging about The Workplace or things that happen at The Workplace.

WTF? I’ll be spending 24 hours a week there and I’m not allowed to tell you anything about it? Not even using pseudonyms and lies poetic license? Well, you’ll notice that I came straight home from work and promptly violated company policy. Look at me! I’m the new Dooce!

Anyhow, I felt super cute in my new work clothes. I was hoping to get a wink or nod at my new found hotness, but instead I got guys drooling over my G1. Geeks, I swear. I had cleavage for MILES and I kept hearing about my damn phone.

Also, let’s talk about my shift. In theory, 10-7 sounds wonderful. No early rising, Maddie doesn’t spend all day in dayare, less traffic on the road… The downside is that I work until 7:00 PM. It was the longest effing day of my life. It was DARK when I left work. As in NIGHT TIME. I ate dinner at 8:00 at night, for crying out loud! Honestly, who works until 7, anyway? Communists, that’s who.

And me.

Now, for the really big news. I’m still a working girl. At the last minute, Workplace made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I’m working from home. How cool is that???? I’m still working part-time, but I’m doing different things now. I’m going to go into the office once a month, but otherwise, I’m flying solo.

I’m beyond thrilled with this arrangement. I’m home with the baby, and NOT POOR! Don’t get me wrong… I was totally prepared to be poor. Maddie’s more than worth it. But NOT POOR is way better than poor. So, I guess this makes me a sahm and a wahm. One who is NOT POOR, in case you hadn’t heard. It’s going to take some work to get a schedule together that works for me, the baby and the Workplace, but I’m confident we’ll manage.

Today, I’m taking Maddie for her very first professional portraits. I can’t wait to see how they turn out! I’ve got tons of picture frames just waiting for her fat little cheeks.

**Update**

Wow. That was…. interesting, to say the least. Maddie didn’t nap well this morning, so we started off on the wrong foot. The photographers were super sweet and patient, but Maddie wasn’t having any of it. She actually burst into tears a few times during the sitting. This is unusual for her. She’s normally very laid back in new situations. I’m guessing it was the lack of nap that set her on edge.

Despite the non-cooperative wee one, we got some good shots. I ended up spending $75 on pictures. Too be honest, $30 was for one picture alone. I can’t speak for all Penney’s studios, but this one was really good. I’m definitely taking Maddie back as she gets older.