Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. Pretty much you’re just damned.

Like millions of other stay-at-home moms, I can’t help but continually run the pros and cons in my head. If I went back to work, how much would I have to make in order to have a profit above and beyond paying for two kids in daycare? Would my kids benefit from being around other kids more often or would I essentially letting someone else raise my kids for me? There’d be no time for fun stuff on the weekends because I’d have to get all my errands done then. But, there’d be MONEY with which to do fun things if we had time to do them!

Yesterday, I talked to a good friend/old boss and she told me that my old workplace was going through a huge change and they were going to need someone with my specific licenses and experience. She said if I was interested in coming back to let her know and she’d talk to whomever. I’ve been thinking about it non-stop since then. I vacillate between believing that my kids are better off without material things and with my presence in their lives, and being so tired of being surrounded by tiny dictators and broke. I guess we’re never fully satisfied with what we’ve got, are we?

Today is Gerald’s first day back at work. This means I’m running around the house like a crazy person, trying to figure out what the hell I need to do and in what order they need to be done. This morning, Maddie and Sam both woke up at the same time. She needed a diaper change and “breakquest” and he wanted to be held and fed. And neither one of them was quiet about it, if you catch my drift.

I realized that I need a wife. Or a nanny. Or a time machine to go back about 11 months.

Anywho, I finally got it figured out and no one died. I’m calling it a HUGE success.

Also, look who was a month old yesterday:

Poor little guy is suffering from a wicked nasty case of The Uglies. His scalp is peeling and shedding dandruff all over the place and he’s got one of the worst cases of baby acne I’ve ever seen. I’m supposed to take him up to Gerald’s workplace today so he can be shown off, but I’m embarrassed. I’m all “Hi, please don’t mind my ugly baby. He’s usually SUPER adorable. I promise.” I know that’s retarded, but there you have it. I’m shallow.

I need a plan. Or drugs. Possibly both.

As I recently twittered, today was one of those days when I repeatedly wondered if there was an age cut-off for dropping your baby off at the fire department. Maddie was a terrible listener and I grouchy as hell. It was a combination of nuclear holocaust proportions.

Over the last month or so, I’ve noticed that Maddie’s getting more and more douchbaggy and I’m getting less and less tolerant patient mentally stable. I’m on the edge of snapping all the damn time. I’d say something about how this makes me feel like a horrible mother, but know I’m not. I don’t abuse her in any way and all her needs are met. However, I am not a very loving mother on these days. I feel very guilty and frequently punish myself with thoughts of something happening to her and having to live with the guilt over fussing at her forever.

The problem is that she’s almost three which is prime douchebag time (second only to 15, I think) and I’m pregnant. I can’t for the life of me figure out what to do. It’s not as though I can change either condition. I’m trying to concentrate on my behavior and reactions to her, but DAYUM it’s hard. I don’t remember being so angry and short-tempered when I was pregnant with Maddie. I was an emotional wreck, but it was more of the “weepy” and “woe is me” variety. Now I’m knee-deep in “leave me alone for five minutes already, for crying out loud!” It almost feels like my Z0l0ft has stopped working, but I don’t want to have the doctor raise my dosage while I’m pregnant. I’m already worried about how what I’m currently taking is going to affect the baby in the long term. I’m grasping at straws trying to find a magic solution.

I think going back to work will be a big help. I’m afraid not cut out to be a full-time stay at home mom. This terrifies me because it’s our plan for me to stay home permanently when the new baby’s born. I know that something has to change. I can’t keep doing things the same old way and expecting Maddie and I to be happy. I think I need more time with grown-ups and Maddie needs more time with other kids. We can’t continue to be each other’s sole source of entertainment/stimulation.

Any other moms out there have some advice? I’ll settle for empathy, if you’ve got that.

Surprising Thoughts

* I’ve been thinking about going back to work. In an actual office, I mean. I’ve been working from home for a year now and while I can say that it’s been rewarding, I can also say that it’s been lonely. I really miss the social interaction with other adults. Maddie’s great and all, but not so much with the conversation. I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d ever entertain the idea of giving up sweet, sweet freedom for the shackles of a 9 to 5.

I don’t think I’m actually going to do it. I love being with Maddie and it’s important to both me and Gerald for Maddie to have a stay-at-home parent. But still… there are days when I’ve got the phone in my hand, ready to dial my boss’s number.

* I’m not so sure I want another kid. I sort of waffle back and forth on this one. When Maddie was first born, there was no way in hell I was ever going through pregnancy or birth again. Then, when she hit six months old, I wanted another baby so badly that I practically foamed at the mouth. Since then, the hormones have receded and my biological clock isn’t ticking so loudly anymore. I really like the idea of Maddie having a sibling since she won’t have any cousins and hardly any extended family. I don’t want her to be alone when Gerald and I die. On the other hand, I like just having one kid. I feel like we’ve got things down pat and another kid would just mess it all up. And like all parents of only one child, I can’t fathom being able to love a second child as much as I love my girl.

Detox

I’m a pretty social person (read: loud and in everyone’s business) and this presents a unique problem now that I’m staying at home. There’s no drama or gossip. There aren’t any cliques, there isn’t any backstabbing. No rumors or lies. When I was at The Workplace, I despised these things (well, all except the gossip since we’re being totally honest here.) but now I find that I’m actively seeking them out. Where? In the blogsphere of all places.

I intuit slight where none was intended, I try to make comments into a popularity contest,  I get pouty and put-out when someone else gets linked or mentioned on another blogger’s site. I want to change my “style” to mirror more popular bloggers so I can sit at this imaginary cool kids table that exists only in my head.

Dude. How pathetic is that? I’ve really got to hang out with friends more often. Meet some local people. Something other than get way too emotionally involved in blogging.

Therefore, I’m going on a self-imposed blogging detox. I’m going to stay away from all things blog-related until I get my perspective straight.

Burn Out

 I’ve been a sahm/wahm for four months now, and you know what? This job is the hardest one I’ve ever had.

Notice how I didn’t tack on the typical “and the most rewarding” business there on the end of that statement? I’m sure I’ll feel that way one day, but it’s not today. In order for it to be rewarding, I need some sort of feedback from Maddie and she’s not going to be able to give it for a long, long time. So basically, I bust my hump for no gratitude whatsoever. No pay raise, no outstanding review, no bonus, nothing.

Granted, I am happier than if I were working in an office. But I miss the recognition that comes with a job well done. We just had a bad week (Maddie’s teething again and she’s been non-stop whiny.) and by Thursday, I was ready to pack my bags and run for Mexico. But, I didn’t. I stuck it out and keep going. Is there so much as a pat on the back and a “good job!” for this? No. There’s nothing. It gets really discouraging.

And a spouse that’s never been a stay-at-home-parent cannot empathize. They still think that going to work in an office is harder and more work. There are days when being at home with Maddie is a breeze and I’m sure Gerald got the short end of the stick. However, there are also days when I’d give anything to be away from home for nine or 10 hours. Gerald has no idea what it’s like to be the primary caregiver day in and day out. I’m sure it looks easy to him from his viewpoint…. what I wouldn’t give to let him try it for two weeks. **UPDATED TO ADD – I don’t mean to imply that Gerald doesn’t work hard, too. He does. This isn’t a competition to see who has it worse. I’m just saying that it makes it even more difficult to feel validated when your spouse has no idea what you go through on a daily basis.

Validation. It really all boils down to validation. Stay-at-home parents do a hell of a lot of work and they do it for a tiny dictator that has no boundaries. If there’s a stay-at-home parent in your life, give them some validation. I promise you’ll make their day. Hell, maybe even their week.

Zen and the Art of Working From Home

Ok, I don’t know shit about Zen, but I’ve got the working part down pat.

I don’t know if this plan would work for all types of wahm jobs, but it works well for my situation. I need to be available to work some during normal business hours, but there’s a lot I can do after hours and on the weekends.

On a typical day, Maddie’s up between 7:00 and 7:30 and then down for a nap between 9:00 and 10:00. As soon as she’s in bed, I take a shower and get dressed. Then, I work until she gets up. We play and run whatever errands we need to take care of and then she’s usually ready for a nap again around 2:00. I work until she gets up or Gerald gets home, whichever happens first. Then, it’s time to make dinner. After dinner, we play for about an hour and around 7:00, she gets a bath and goes to bed. I check on the work load and if necessary, I work some more. If things are ok, then I watch TV or read. I’m usually in bed by 10:00. Luckily, my schedule is my own. If something comes up and I have to move it around, I do.

I don’t work on Friday evenings or Saturdays. I do get in there on Sunday evening and take care of as much as possible so that Monday morning’s a little easier on the folks I work with.

My situation is unique in that I was prepared to retire. Gerald and I had already decided that whatever sacrifices we had to make were worth it. I went into this whole thing with the mindset that Maddie was my number one priority. If the working from home thing was interfering with that at all, then I was going back to “retired.” This really cuts down on the work related stress level. I just don’t stress about work. I do as much as I can, and that’s it. Of course, I do my best and try to get as much work done as a I can, but it’s not my number one priority.

If you’re looking for an emotional response, I can tell you that I’ve honestly never been happier in my life. I adore being home with Maddie every day. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.

30 day review

I’ve been home nearly a month, now. I figure it’s time for a progress report.

Surprisingly, staying at home is a lot like being at work. There are days that I accomplish much and Maddie is happy and well-rested. On these days, I want to pump my fist in the air and shout, “Hell yeah! I am the best sahm EVER!!”

Then there are the other days. On the other days, I am weary, the house is a mess and Maddie is driving me bat shit crazy a handful. These are the days that I’m thankful just to be able to take a shower. I cannot imagine making it through the day with both of us alive, the house still standing, or any semblance of work done. It’s all I can do to count the minutes until Gerald gets home. Although, him being home doesn’t really change anything. When he gets home, he has to continue working. Sure, he helps out when I need him to, but the bulk of the responsibilities for Maddie and dinner fall to me. But once he’s home, I begin to count the minutes until the baby’s bedtime. I suppose I break it up because waiting for 7:00 to roll around is just too damn long. This way, I only have to make it until 3:30. And then it’s a hop, skip, and a jump to 7:00.

This all being said, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Even if they offered me double my old salary, I wouldn’t go back. I love being sahm/wahm mom. Even on those terrible days, I know that I’ve accomplished something. I’ve given Maddie one more day with a loving, devoted mother. Another day that she will hopefully grow to appreciate.

I’ve also learned something surprising about myself. I’m not at all suffering for the lack of adult company. Gerald and I talk via IM and I work every day. So, I guess just that little bit of adult interaction keeps me satisfied. I also don’t go stir crazy nearly as often as I thought I would. And I still get out by myself. I go grocery shopping, to WW meetings and even shopping by myself just about every week. I try to wait until Maddie’s in bed to give Gerald a break, but he’s wonderful about keeping her when she’s up, too. He never seems to mind me getting some time to myself. I know I’m lucky in that regard. I’ve heard horror stories of other fathers who consider the children the sole responsibility of the sahm. Yes, Maddie’s mainly my responsibility, but Gerald parents her, too. It took the two of us to make her and it takes the two of us to raise her.

I know I’m in for rough weather as she gets older. She is already showing signs of being a willful child. But, oh, she is such a good girl. Loving and fun and smart as a whip. I know all parents think their kid is the best and brightest, so you’re writing me off right about now. But I’m honestly surprised at how good she is. There are times that I brace myself for a meltdown because it seems like she should have a meltdown because that’s what kids do, and she will just sail right through with a smile on her face. This weekend, we took her out to eat for the first time in months, and she sat in the restaurant highchair for the first time. I was prepared for crying, throwing things, screaming… all manner of embarrassing things. I kept telling myself that we would just leave if it got bad. As if! Maddie was a dream. She was interested in what was going on around her, she played with us and behaved perfectly. I was so proud. The next day, I took her grocery shopping with me. She sat in the cart, like a big girl, for the first time. Again, I prepared for the worst. Imagining having to leave my half-full cart somewhere in the store and rushing out the door with a screaming baby. Nope. She rode along, playing with the toys I provided and reached up for hugs and kisses when she needed reassurance. I know this won’t be the case every time we go out, but still, I’m proud. She is turning out to be such a good girl. And who the hell ever would have seen that coming?

Bleh

Maddie has a bit of a bug and there has been vomiting on a grand scale. I have changed and washed her crib sheets and blankies approximately 1586970503453459 times since Friday.

I’m thinking this is the universe’s way of hazing me upon my initiation into the sahm clique.  Next, I’m going to have beer bong in the driveway and moon the neighbors.

Workin’ 9 to 5

First off, thank you all for your advice on the bedtime issue and your well wishes. I’m going to let Maddie stay up as late as she’ll go and try to get us to 7:30. I’m also going to move her naps back to help her not get tired so early.

Now, for the really big news. I’m still a working girl. At the last minute, Workplace made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I’m working from home. How cool is that???? I’m still working part-time, but I’m doing different things now. I’m going to go into the office once a month, but otherwise, I’m flying solo.

I’m beyond thrilled with this arrangement. I’m home with the baby, and NOT POOR! Don’t get me wrong… I was totally prepared to be poor. Maddie’s more than worth it. But NOT POOR is way better than poor. So, I guess this makes me a sahm and a wahm. One who is NOT POOR, in case you hadn’t heard. It’s going to take some work to get a schedule together that works for me, the baby and the Workplace, but I’m confident we’ll manage.

Today, I’m taking Maddie for her very first professional portraits. I can’t wait to see how they turn out! I’ve got tons of picture frames just waiting for her fat little cheeks.

**Update**

Wow. That was…. interesting, to say the least. Maddie didn’t nap well this morning, so we started off on the wrong foot. The photographers were super sweet and patient, but Maddie wasn’t having any of it. She actually burst into tears a few times during the sitting. This is unusual for her. She’s normally very laid back in new situations. I’m guessing it was the lack of nap that set her on edge.

Despite the non-cooperative wee one, we got some good shots. I ended up spending $75 on pictures. Too be honest, $30 was for one picture alone. I can’t speak for all Penney’s studios, but this one was really good. I’m definitely taking Maddie back as she gets older.