Nautilus
When things get bad I have the tendency to turn inward. To tuck myself into my shell and just hope that all the bad stuff will magically go away on its own. I plug my ears and sing “la la la” and ignore that things are falling apart around me. If I don’t acknowledge it, then it’s not really happening.
Now that I’m a wife and a mother, this is no longer acceptable behavior. One of the best therapists I’ve ever worked with once told me that we will continue a behavior until it no longer works for us. No matter how insane it might be, you’ll keep doing it if it makes you feel the way you want it to. Well, my shell-tucking days are over. This coping mechanism no longer makes me feel safe. It makes me feel horrible. I lie awake at night at worry. I worry during the day. I worry all the time. And the things I do to distract myself from the unhappy feelings just make my situation worse.
I vow to face this situation head-on. No more hiding. No more pretending this mess isn’t real. No more denying that there’s a problem. There is a problem and it’s of my own making. I’m responsible for getting myself into this mess and the only way out will be to dig myself out. It will suck and it will take a long time, but I will get out. I am completely capable of doing this. I won’t like the sacrifices, or the shame or the guilt, but I will wade through all of those things to be on the other side. I want to live without this cloud of dread and worry hovering over me every second of every day.
I am a grown up and it’s time to act like one, damn it.
Filed under confessional, money woes | Comments (7)Manifesto
Ugh. Enough with the pregnancy talk already! Am I right? The problem with being on bed rest is that I don’t really have anything else to talk about. Let’s just sum it up with this: last trimester = WAH! The End.
I was hesitant to post about my Manifesto because, well, honestly because it would make me even more accountable. But, the above mentioned lack of anything else to talk about has prompted me to share. So here it is:
I’m quitting shopping for a year.
Seriously.
I read an article written by a woman who’s done it. She was spurred on by the fact that she read that most women spend a full three years of their lives shopping. THREE YEARS. And what do we have to show for it? A bunch of junk that sits around for a few years until we give it or throw it away. She wrote about when she had time to kill between meetings or appointments that she’d stop in a drug store and invariably leave having spend $15-$20 on something for her hair, a magazine or other sundry things that she didn’t need or even necessarily really want. I recognized this behavior instantly in myself. I view shopping as a hobby. Target is grown-up playground and I wanna go down the slide just one more time.
You may remember that I lost my job when I was put on bed rest. While we’re not below the poverty line by any stretch of the imagination, we’re poorer than we’d like to be. poorer than we’re good at being. poorer than I’m good at being. It stands to reason that this is the perfect time for me to quit the extracurricular shopping cold-turkey. (I actually quit a week ago.) The only things I’m shopping for are essentials. Groceries (with no extras at the store!), seasonal replacement clothing and shoes for the children, and medications. No more trips to Target and Old Navy “just to see what they’ve got.” No more throwing things into the grocery cart because it doesn’t really feel like spending money if you do it when grocery shopping. No more shopping for clothes for myself because I wear a smaller size and it’s FUN to buy clothes now!
And just to brag, I went to Central Market today on my way home from my OB appointment with the sole purpose of buying some pregnancy tea. (I looked for it at my regular grocery store, but they don’t carry it.) Anyhow, Central Market is my favorite grocery store in all the land, and I live 45 minutes away from the closest one. When I go, I typically spend at least $50 on things I can only get there but don’t actually need. Today, I walked in, browsed a little, found the tea, grabbed three boxes and walked to the registers. I considered buying other things, but I didn’t. There was nothing I needed, just a lot of things I wanted. Of course, as soon as I got to the car, I immediately called Gerald to exclaim my feat and remind him that I am, indeed, made of awesome.
I know it’s not going to be easy to change decades of behavior, but I’m starting off on the right foot. And that feels great.
Filed under confessional, money woes | Comments (11)
