Let’s talk about that, shall we? First of all, how do you know the episode would have been worse without the meds? Are you my doctor? Are you a very close personal friend and confidant? I’m assuming you answered “no” to both of those questions since I don’t know you. Therefore, you’re pretty much completely unqualified to render such a judgment.

Also, “not everyone would have melted down quite so bad?” This automatically means that I require psychiatric medication? Of course not everyone would have melted down quite so bad! And guess what? There are other people that would have melted down even worse. We all handle these things differently based on extenuating circumstances, mental health and past experience. Simply because I handled the situation poorly and engaged in inappropriate behavior does not mean that I’m irresponsible for wanting to see if I’m taking medication needlessly. If I don’t need to be medicated, but instead need behavioral therapy, then that’s what I ought to be doing. Medication does not control my behavior. I do. I will not blame my meltdown on the fact that I had lowered my Z0loft dosage.

I don’t feel it was irresponsible to wean myself off of these medications. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have started doing it and I damn sure wouldn’t have told the world at large about doing it. I thought it would be a waste of a trip to Dallas to visit the doctor, a waste of a co-pay, and a waste of her time so that she could tell me how to wean myself off the medication AGAIN (she explained how when I was first considering getting pregnant). However, my husband and some very close friends thought that it would be best to let the doctor know what was going on. No problem. I have an appointment with her tomorrow afternoon.

I appreciate comments on this blog. I even appreciate comments that express differing viewpoints. That’s part of what makes being a public diarist so fun. However, I do not appreciate blanket statements that are intended to guilt or embarrass myself or my readers. Please make a note of it. Thank you.

I’ve started weaning myself off the Z0loft already. I was taking 150mg and dropped it down to 100mg. I’ve taken 100mg for two weeks and now I’m going to drop it to 50mg for the next two weeks and then quit. I’m not sure what to do about the W3llbuterin. Do you have to wean off that, too? I’m still at the initial dose my doctor prescribed (150mg) which is one pill a day. I guess I’ll consult Dr. Google ’bout that.

I was lying awake one night and wondering how I would know if I didn’t need them anymore. I figured the only way to tell was to stop taking them and check the state of the union, as it were. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to be taking antidepressants, but if I don’t need them then I want off.

I’ll keep you posted, but I’m pretty sure you’ll notice if Teh Crazy is still lurking around underneath the meds.

Let’s talk about Teh Crazy. I talked to my OB on Monday about how ANGRY I’ve been lately and agreed that something was wonky since I’m on the Z0loft. I’m taking 150 mg and 200 is the max dose (which I did not know until our talk, btw) so naturally he was hesitant to raise it. (Part of the reason I’m on such a high dose is because with gastric bypass I’ve got malabsorption and need more medication to get the same effect as a full lower dose.) Anywho, he decided to add Wellbutr!n to the mix. Apparently the combo mimics Effe*or without the nasty side effects. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to wean off the high dosage of Z0loft with the addition of the WB. The downside is that WB contraindicated for breastfeeding, so no more nursing. I wasn’t nursing a lot, mind you, but I miss it. And my boobs are KILLING me. So, basically I’m crazy and have hurty boobs. It’s like PMS only without the excuse.

(FYI – If I use the actual names of the drugs I get inundated with “buy prescription drugs online!” spam comments.)

Why am I telling you all this? Well, I want any other new moms out there that might be reading to know it’s ok to talk about Teh Crazy with their doctors and that there’s no stigma or shame in getting postpartum depression. It doesn’t make you a failure or a bad mom. It makes you a human who needs a little help. Also, I’m all about the honesty around here and this is a Big Deal for me.

I’m still on the Z0loft, so maybe my dosage needs to be upped for a while? I see my OB on Monday, so I’m going to ask him if he thinks that might help. Or maybe I might need to switch meds? I don’t know if one can get used to an antidepressant and have it lose it’s effectiveness. All I know is that I don’t want to be this mean, self-righteous person anymore.

Over the last month or so, I’ve noticed that Maddie’s getting more and more douchbaggy and I’m getting less and less tolerant patient mentally stable. I’m on the edge of snapping all the damn time. I’d say something about how this makes me feel like a horrible mother, but know I’m not. I don’t abuse her in any way and all her needs are met. However, I am not a very loving mother on these days. I feel very guilty and frequently punish myself with thoughts of something happening to her and having to live with the guilt over fussing at her forever.

The problem is that she’s almost three which is prime douchebag time (second only to 15, I think) and I’m pregnant. I can’t for the life of me figure out what to do. It’s not as though I can change either condition. I’m trying to concentrate on my behavior and reactions to her, but DAYUM it’s hard. I don’t remember being so angry and short-tempered when I was pregnant with Maddie. I was an emotional wreck, but it was more of the “weepy” and “woe is me” variety. Now I’m knee-deep in “leave me alone for five minutes already, for crying out loud!” It almost feels like my Z0l0ft has stopped working, but I don’t want to have the doctor raise my dosage while I’m pregnant. I’m already worried about how what I’m currently taking is going to affect the baby in the long term. I’m grasping at straws trying to find a magic solution.

I think going back to work will be a big help. I’m afraid not cut out to be a full-time stay at home mom. This terrifies me because it’s our plan for me to stay home permanently when the new baby’s born. I know that something has to change. I can’t keep doing things the same old way and expecting Maddie and I to be happy. I think I need more time with grown-ups and Maddie needs more time with other kids. We can’t continue to be each other’s sole source of entertainment/stimulation.

Any other moms out there have some advice? I’ll settle for empathy, if you’ve got that.

Well, my doctor called this morning with FABULOUS news. Turns out I am ovulating just like I’m supposed to. My cycle is short (25 days) so I ovulate early, which is no big. He said that if my cycle gets any shorter, though, he’ll want to put me on a low dose of cl0mid. He said for us to try for two or three months and if I don’t get pregnant then he’ll write me a script.

The best part was that he said it was absolutely fine to continue my z0loft throughout the pregnancy and I didn’t have to change doses unless I felt like I needed to. He said z0loft is category B and in all his years as an OB he’s never had a problem with a pregnancy/baby due to taking it. How awesome is that? I was so afraid of The Crazy that I seriously considered nixing Operation Second Child just to avoid the whole thing. I feel so relieved to know that I can stay sane and not damage my unborn child at the same time. Because, honestly, it seemed like those two things were going to be mutually exclusive.

Now, if I could just get Gerald to be excited about another baby things would be perfect. Oh, he’s willing to “take one for the team,” but his heart isn’t in it. He agrees that Maddie ought to have a sibling and he knows how much I want another baby so he’s game, but if it were up to him Maddie would be it. I know that once the new kid is here he’ll love her/him just as much as he loves Maddie. (Remember, he wasn’t too sure about her at first, either.) I know things will be harder with two, but so worth it to see them play and grow together. To hear whispers and giggles as they plot a tiny wave of terror. To see the sibling bond up close and personal, since neither Gerald nor I had that.

I’m so ready for this next chapter to begin!

The Workplace sitch has settled down some, but is still unacceptable. I’m taking each day as it comes and trying not to get too wrapped up in the future. So far it’s helping. Well, that and the z0loft, but whatev.

Future baby plans are in the works. And by that, I mean I’m planning and talking about it non-stop and Gerald just sort of avoids it like the plague. That bodes well, right? Anyhow, I’m “legally” able to get pregnant next month as I’ll be one year post-op from my bypass, but I’ve got to wean off of the aforementioned z0loft before any baby-making attempts can be made. Apparently, modern science has not found a way to make anti-crazy pills safe for pregnant women. I’m thinking they need to be working on that. I’m at my all time Crazy High when pregnant or post-partum. I’m hoping to be able to nurse the next baby since I didn’t have the chance to nurse Maddie, but if Teh Crazys are as bad as it was last go ’round, then I’m all for going with formula and a side of z0loft for Mommy.

In regard to my eating habits, I’m happy to report that today was a good day. I haven’t eaten anything “bad” or had anything in excess. To be honest, though, that’s fairly typical of any work day. I sort of fall apart between Maddie’s bedtime and my bedtime. Here’s hoping that I’m strong tonight.

I’m not sure how to explain it other than I don’t really give a damn about anything these days. I’m just sort of “meh.”

It’s only been a week since my dr upped my z@loft dosage, so it’s too soon for it to be working. Another week or so and I should be right as rain. Don’t give up on me, k?

But the big news is that the nurse was able to use the normal blood pressure cuff on me instead of the fatty cuff. I almost cried. How effing cool is that?

Also, I weigh 6 pounds more there than I do here at home. I’m totally blaming my shoes. They’re really heavy.

I got to see Maddie play with the other kids at school yesterday and it was so obvious that my girl is hyper. She was running around like a spaz trying to play with all the balls she could get her hands on, and the other kids just sort of played calmly. It may be because she’s older than all the other kids in her class, but I’m guessing it’s just that she’s a total spaz.

In order to try and curb the “drunk on freedom” thing she’s got going, we’re weaning her off the play yard. Now don’t get your knickers in a a twist or anything. Maddie isn’t confined to her play yard every waking minute of the day, but she doesn’t have free run of the house, either. We opted not to childproof the whole house and instead keep a tight rein on Maddie. (We have the extension kit for the yard and it literally takes up more than half of the available space in our living room. She’s not in a veal fattening pen or anything. (GAH! Defensive much??)) Last night and this morning, we gated off the living room and let her run wild. My lord. She’s into EVERYTHING. I feel like all I’m doing is telling her “no.” She’s worn me out and we’ve only been up for three hours.

She also decided that she doesn’t need to hold our hands when we’re out and about. At the pumpkin patch on Friday, she kept ripping her hand away and taking off. I decided right there and then that I was going to buy a kid leash. I used to be one of those judgmental childless people that frowned on the leash. Now? I’m getting two in case one breaks.