Seeing a psychiatrist or counselor isn’t really something we can work into the budget right now, so she recommended a book. This book, in particular. I downloaded the audio version and listened to the first three sections last night.

You guys, Dr. Amen GETS IT. I was in tears when he got to the chapter on the deep limbic system, which is what’s wonky in my brain. He listed 10 symptoms of an overactive deep limbic system and I have EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. I’m only about halfway through the non-medication prescriptions that he outlines to help change the brain’s behavior, but I’m already practicing the first of them. (FYI, he also recommends medication to his patients and the combination of meds and “rewiring” the brain helps so much more than one or the other. Luckily, Pr0zac is the drug he recommends most for this type of brain wonkiness, so I’m good there.)

I get caught with ANTs – Automatic Negative Thoughts. I get trapped in a loop of negative thinking that colors my outlook on everything in my life. I perceive almost every interaction and conversation with others as negative when it’s actually neutral or even positive. And I believe the lies my brain tells me. I NEVER question the validity of these thoughts. Dr. Amen says the best way to stop ANTs is to talk back to them and crush them. Whenever I have a negative thought, I’m supposed to write it down and then write a logical, rational, non-emotional reply. I’m supposed to confront my thoughts when they lie to me instead of taking everything I think as the God’s honest truth. I’ve been doing it all morning and I’m already noticing a difference. Luckily, I have a few very stressful situations going on right now that would normally send me into a tailspin of self-loathing and depression, so I’m getting a lot of practice.

I don’t normally go in for the self-help stuff, but I’m amazed at how much Dr. Amen understands what’s going on in our brains. It was like he’s known me for my entire life and knows all my secret, scary thoughts and is offering help in stopping them. If you’re suffering from anxiety, depression, aggression, ADD or substance abuse, PLEASE read this book. If you’re willing to approach it with an open mind, you just might find some life-changing information.

* On the plus side, I’m feeling good. Not “good” in a falsely inflated way. Just “good” in a normal way. I feel more even-keel. I don’t have such frequent and terrible outbursts of anger or depression.

* My dr called with my lab results and my liver enzymes are perfectly normal. (w00t!) My amylase and lipase are elevated which is symptomatic of some sort of pancreatic wonkiness, so I’m to make an appointment with the gastroenterologist post haste. She also surprised me with the news that I’m pretty severely anemic. This is contributing to my overwhelming tiredness along with my son believing that sleep is for chumps. I’ve been taking an iron supplement daily and dang! I don’t think I’ve ever had such terrible side effects from a supplement before. I think I’d almost rather be tired.

* Tomorrow afternoon, I’m going for my bi-annual smash-o-gram and MRI. This just a normal screening and not diagnostic. I haven’t found any lumps or weirdness. And still I fret and wonder if this will be the time they find something. Being in the high risk program is nice because I’m confident that when I’m diagnosed it will be caught early. However, it’s awful because I use the phrase “WHEN I’m diagnosed” not “IF I’m diagnosed.” I sort of consider it a fact. Pragmatic or fatalistic? Who knows.

Needless to say, I think the “going off antidepressants” experiment has proven to be a failure. Well, not a failure, per se. I wanted to know if I still need them and now I have my answer. A giant, resounding gong-like YES!!! Untreated depression and anxiety + a major family crisis – sleep = DISASTER.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to discuss new options since the Z0loft stopped working for me. I can see a glimmer of hope that I’ll be ok again soon. That I won’t be a monster anymore. That people will want to be around me again. That I’ll want to be around me again. Once I feel like I’m on even keel again, I’m going to look for a therapist. I haven’t been in therapy in about 8 years now, and I think it’s time for a tune-up. I’ve reverted back to some old, negative behaviors that I can’t seem to quit on my own. I believe I’d benefit from some unbiased guidance right about now.

(I know that when I choose to put this type of intimate, raw post out there to the world at large, I’m opening myself up to the possibility that someone will leave a mean-spirited comment. I ask that before you comment on this one, please ask yourself if what you’re going to say to be will be helpful or will help to buoy me up. If you’re intending to disparage or hurl accusations, please just don’t. Not this time. I need your support and encouragement right now, not to be torn down. Thank you.)

Let’s talk about that, shall we? First of all, how do you know the episode would have been worse without the meds? Are you my doctor? Are you a very close personal friend and confidant? I’m assuming you answered “no” to both of those questions since I don’t know you. Therefore, you’re pretty much completely unqualified to render such a judgment.

Also, “not everyone would have melted down quite so bad?” This automatically means that I require psychiatric medication? Of course not everyone would have melted down quite so bad! And guess what? There are other people that would have melted down even worse. We all handle these things differently based on extenuating circumstances, mental health and past experience. Simply because I handled the situation poorly and engaged in inappropriate behavior does not mean that I’m irresponsible for wanting to see if I’m taking medication needlessly. If I don’t need to be medicated, but instead need behavioral therapy, then that’s what I ought to be doing. Medication does not control my behavior. I do. I will not blame my meltdown on the fact that I had lowered my Z0loft dosage.

I don’t feel it was irresponsible to wean myself off of these medications. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have started doing it and I damn sure wouldn’t have told the world at large about doing it. I thought it would be a waste of a trip to Dallas to visit the doctor, a waste of a co-pay, and a waste of her time so that she could tell me how to wean myself off the medication AGAIN (she explained how when I was first considering getting pregnant). However, my husband and some very close friends thought that it would be best to let the doctor know what was going on. No problem. I have an appointment with her tomorrow afternoon.

I appreciate comments on this blog. I even appreciate comments that express differing viewpoints. That’s part of what makes being a public diarist so fun. However, I do not appreciate blanket statements that are intended to guilt or embarrass myself or my readers. Please make a note of it. Thank you.

I’ve started weaning myself off the Z0loft already. I was taking 150mg and dropped it down to 100mg. I’ve taken 100mg for two weeks and now I’m going to drop it to 50mg for the next two weeks and then quit. I’m not sure what to do about the W3llbuterin. Do you have to wean off that, too? I’m still at the initial dose my doctor prescribed (150mg) which is one pill a day. I guess I’ll consult Dr. Google ’bout that.

I was lying awake one night and wondering how I would know if I didn’t need them anymore. I figured the only way to tell was to stop taking them and check the state of the union, as it were. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to be taking antidepressants, but if I don’t need them then I want off.

I’ll keep you posted, but I’m pretty sure you’ll notice if Teh Crazy is still lurking around underneath the meds.

Let’s talk about Teh Crazy. I talked to my OB on Monday about how ANGRY I’ve been lately and agreed that something was wonky since I’m on the Z0loft. I’m taking 150 mg and 200 is the max dose (which I did not know until our talk, btw) so naturally he was hesitant to raise it. (Part of the reason I’m on such a high dose is because with gastric bypass I’ve got malabsorption and need more medication to get the same effect as a full lower dose.) Anywho, he decided to add Wellbutr!n to the mix. Apparently the combo mimics Effe*or without the nasty side effects. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to wean off the high dosage of Z0loft with the addition of the WB. The downside is that WB contraindicated for breastfeeding, so no more nursing. I wasn’t nursing a lot, mind you, but I miss it. And my boobs are KILLING me. So, basically I’m crazy and have hurty boobs. It’s like PMS only without the excuse.

(FYI – If I use the actual names of the drugs I get inundated with “buy prescription drugs online!” spam comments.)

Why am I telling you all this? Well, I want any other new moms out there that might be reading to know it’s ok to talk about Teh Crazy with their doctors and that there’s no stigma or shame in getting postpartum depression. It doesn’t make you a failure or a bad mom. It makes you a human who needs a little help. Also, I’m all about the honesty around here and this is a Big Deal for me.

I’m still on the Z0loft, so maybe my dosage needs to be upped for a while? I see my OB on Monday, so I’m going to ask him if he thinks that might help. Or maybe I might need to switch meds? I don’t know if one can get used to an antidepressant and have it lose it’s effectiveness. All I know is that I don’t want to be this mean, self-righteous person anymore.

Over the last month or so, I’ve noticed that Maddie’s getting more and more douchbaggy and I’m getting less and less tolerant patient mentally stable. I’m on the edge of snapping all the damn time. I’d say something about how this makes me feel like a horrible mother, but know I’m not. I don’t abuse her in any way and all her needs are met. However, I am not a very loving mother on these days. I feel very guilty and frequently punish myself with thoughts of something happening to her and having to live with the guilt over fussing at her forever.

The problem is that she’s almost three which is prime douchebag time (second only to 15, I think) and I’m pregnant. I can’t for the life of me figure out what to do. It’s not as though I can change either condition. I’m trying to concentrate on my behavior and reactions to her, but DAYUM it’s hard. I don’t remember being so angry and short-tempered when I was pregnant with Maddie. I was an emotional wreck, but it was more of the “weepy” and “woe is me” variety. Now I’m knee-deep in “leave me alone for five minutes already, for crying out loud!” It almost feels like my Z0l0ft has stopped working, but I don’t want to have the doctor raise my dosage while I’m pregnant. I’m already worried about how what I’m currently taking is going to affect the baby in the long term. I’m grasping at straws trying to find a magic solution.

I think going back to work will be a big help. I’m afraid not cut out to be a full-time stay at home mom. This terrifies me because it’s our plan for me to stay home permanently when the new baby’s born. I know that something has to change. I can’t keep doing things the same old way and expecting Maddie and I to be happy. I think I need more time with grown-ups and Maddie needs more time with other kids. We can’t continue to be each other’s sole source of entertainment/stimulation.

Any other moms out there have some advice? I’ll settle for empathy, if you’ve got that.

Well, my doctor called this morning with FABULOUS news. Turns out I am ovulating just like I’m supposed to. My cycle is short (25 days) so I ovulate early, which is no big. He said that if my cycle gets any shorter, though, he’ll want to put me on a low dose of cl0mid. He said for us to try for two or three months and if I don’t get pregnant then he’ll write me a script.

The best part was that he said it was absolutely fine to continue my z0loft throughout the pregnancy and I didn’t have to change doses unless I felt like I needed to. He said z0loft is category B and in all his years as an OB he’s never had a problem with a pregnancy/baby due to taking it. How awesome is that? I was so afraid of The Crazy that I seriously considered nixing Operation Second Child just to avoid the whole thing. I feel so relieved to know that I can stay sane and not damage my unborn child at the same time. Because, honestly, it seemed like those two things were going to be mutually exclusive.

Now, if I could just get Gerald to be excited about another baby things would be perfect. Oh, he’s willing to “take one for the team,” but his heart isn’t in it. He agrees that Maddie ought to have a sibling and he knows how much I want another baby so he’s game, but if it were up to him Maddie would be it. I know that once the new kid is here he’ll love her/him just as much as he loves Maddie. (Remember, he wasn’t too sure about her at first, either.) I know things will be harder with two, but so worth it to see them play and grow together. To hear whispers and giggles as they plot a tiny wave of terror. To see the sibling bond up close and personal, since neither Gerald nor I had that.

I’m so ready for this next chapter to begin!

The Workplace sitch has settled down some, but is still unacceptable. I’m taking each day as it comes and trying not to get too wrapped up in the future. So far it’s helping. Well, that and the z0loft, but whatev.

Future baby plans are in the works. And by that, I mean I’m planning and talking about it non-stop and Gerald just sort of avoids it like the plague. That bodes well, right? Anyhow, I’m “legally” able to get pregnant next month as I’ll be one year post-op from my bypass, but I’ve got to wean off of the aforementioned z0loft before any baby-making attempts can be made. Apparently, modern science has not found a way to make anti-crazy pills safe for pregnant women. I’m thinking they need to be working on that. I’m at my all time Crazy High when pregnant or post-partum. I’m hoping to be able to nurse the next baby since I didn’t have the chance to nurse Maddie, but if Teh Crazys are as bad as it was last go ’round, then I’m all for going with formula and a side of z0loft for Mommy.

In regard to my eating habits, I’m happy to report that today was a good day. I haven’t eaten anything “bad” or had anything in excess. To be honest, though, that’s fairly typical of any work day. I sort of fall apart between Maddie’s bedtime and my bedtime. Here’s hoping that I’m strong tonight.