I seem to have sprung a leak…

Teh Crazy that I was so valiantly holding on the inside has begun to leak out into my everyday life. I’m obsessively googling early pregnancy symptoms and implantation cramping and blah blah blah. I’ve looked at my calendar approximately 678956 times today counting how many days are left before I can take a pregnancy test.

I was so hoping that I wouldn’t be insane this time around. Who the hell was I kidding?

We’re go for launch

O: SK has officially been launched. Now, we will have anxious waiting and hand-wringing for the next 10-14 days.

Really, though, I’m trying my best to keep O: SK super casual. We’ve decided not to go the Clomid route this time around because it made me a raving bitch when I took it trying to get pregnant with Maddie. There are other things we’re being casual about, but I’m going to spare you the gory details.

You’re welcome.

Anyhow, I’m trying to be super casual about it on the outside, but inside? Whoo Boy! There’s nothing casual going on. Trust me. The first thing I though this morning was “Today might be the day I conceive!” Followed by “I wonder when I’m going to ovulate? Maybe it happened when I was asleep and I won’t know it! Then what?” See? Not at all casual. But, as a favor to Gerald, I’m keeping my crazy on the inside this time around.

You guys aren’t so lucky.

Operation: Second Kid

So, now that I’m a year post-bypass I can safely get pregnant. I’m also at a weight where being pregnant won’t be dangerous to my heath and I’ll get to wear adorable maternity clothes and have an adorable baby bump instead of just looking fatter than usual.

However, I’m still very anxious about O: SK. For all the times I call her a douchebag or asshole, Maddie really is a fantastic little kid. She’s smart, she listens really well and she’s fun. We’ve got a good thing going, you know? I’m afraid that adding another kid into the mix will ruin that good thing as opposed to enriching it. (This is the part where all you parents of more than one kid tell me that it’s harder but WORTH IT.)

Also, there’s the fact that Gerald’s not gung-ho for O: SK. He agrees that it’s good for us to give Maddie a sibling and he knows my uterus has hung out the “vacancy” sign, but if it was up to him there’d be no more kids. I feel selfish having another one when he really doesn’t want to. I’m afraid he’ll come to resent me and my greedy uterus when things are really rough those first months after the new baby comes. And if the next kid is a handful? Oh you’d better believe that will be my fault and we should’ve stopped while we were ahead.

But the thought of another baby growing in my belly gives me chills. More hiccups and kicks and heartburn and misery. More tiny newborn fingers clenched around mine. More naps with a tiny, hot body resting on my chest. More first smiles and laughs. Watching Maddie be a big sister. I want all these things. I want our little family to grow and for all of us to fall in love with our new addition. I never knew it was possible to love another human being as much as I love my husband and daughter and the thought of making another person that I’ll love just as much fills me with sunshine and rainbows and sparkles. My husband is a wonderful man and a fabulous father and I can’t wait to see who we make next.

#10

I was tagged for a picture post by our favorite Clueless but Hopeful Mama. This is the first picture post that I’ve ever been tagged for so I’m wicked excited. Also, I needed to post and had nothing really to say, so it’s a “two birds” sort of post, too. Score!

Simple Rules:
-Open your first photo folder.
-Scroll down to the 10th photo.
-Post that photo and story on your blog.
-Tag five others (or more) friends to do the same.

This was taken on 7/17/03. It’s Lake Louise in Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada. I took my parents to Banff for a week. It was the last vacation we took together as a family. I met Gerald in October of that same year and my mother was diagnosed with cancer again in November.

Just like CBHM, I can’t only post on picture. I have such warm, loving memories of this trip. I remember getting along so well with my parents and being so proud that I was able to afford to treat them to this vacation.

These were taken at the Calgary zoo. They had the most beautiful botanic gardens.

Here are some more from Lake Louise and the Chateau Lake Louise:

And here we are on the Crowfoot Glacier at Jasper National Park.

It started raining when we got to Jasper and by the time we made up the eleventy billion steps to the visitor’s center, we were soaked. Hence the hats and plastic rain coat. Classy, huh? Also, please notice how tan I was. I miss the days of tanning and not caring about skin cancer.

Tagging people doesn’t give me Nervous Tummy at all. If you want to do this photo post, then you will. If not, then skip it.

1. Becky
2. Shelly
3. Donna
4. Lola
5. Pru

Portrait of a Family

Maddie, Roxy and I hid under the covers in bed this morning. We were in a tent and Daddy was a bear trying to get us and eat us up. Maddie was the first casualty and was eaten all up by the bear. She crawled away from the carnage and promptly instructed Gerald as to his next course of action.

Maddie: Daddy, eat mama!
Mama: Yes, please.
Daddy: Um, maybe later.
Maddie: Daddy! You eat mama!
Mama: YES, PLEASE.
Daddy: What? Is she a porn director now?
Mama: I’m still waiting…

Fun Fact Friday – The Triumphant Return!

* Maddie is completely and totally obsessed with Wall-E. We’ve watched approximately eleventy kajillion times. I woke up to the sound of her singing about her “wobots” this morning. It’s kind of adorable.

* I’m officially no longer employed at The Workplace. I know you’re all DYING to know the sitch, but I’m afraid it’s going to be pretty anticlimactic for you. Long and incredibly boring story short: There was a reorg and my position was eliminated. I was put back on the phones which is the job I started out in four years ago. I hate the phones. And it was such a slap in the face that every promotion I’d earned over the course of four years was wiped out in one fell swoop. Add a batshit crazy senior manager and it was a recipe for disaster. I tried my best to make it work, but it just wasn’t happening. I tried to negotiate with the batshit crazy manager but her batshit craziness sort of got in the way and I ended up having to resign. The day after I resigned I got a job waiting tables at a local restaurant. I’ve gotten some strange looks from folks when I tell them I’m giving up being a stockbroker in favor of being a waitress, but you know what? I’m so excited about it. I’m so ready to get out of the finance industry and learn something new. I don’t need to work, but I’m no good at being poor. I just need some spending money and no drama.

* Maddie’s spending the night with my dad and his wife tonight. Gerald and I are going on a real live date and sleeping in late tomorrow. WOO HOO!

* Sunday, Maddie and I are going to visit Gerald’s family down south. I’m going to stay until Wednesday and then come home and Maddie’s going to stay with her Nana and Papa until Saturday. That way Gerald has some free time while I’m in Chicago.

* Speaking of Chicago, BlogHer is in six days. I’ve gotten my hair cut, eyebrows waxed and a pedicure. I’m mentally packing and repacking trying to decide what to wear. I’m rehearsing my pick up lines and party banter. I’m loading my Kindle with books for the flight there and back. I think I’m ready for this.

* I threw myself a happy hour shindig on Wednesday night to say goodbye to my coworkers and friends. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I got shitfaced and embarrassed the hell out of myself. If I hadn’t already resigned I would have had to after that. There was no way I could face those people again. I’m told there was a lot of eye-contact avoidance at work the next morning. AWKWARD.

Happy News

Last week I met with the nurse at my OB/Gyn’s office to talk about The Crazy and future pregnancies. During our discussion, she asked about my PCOS and whether or not it had resolved with my massive weight-loss. I explained that I thought it had and she arranged for a blood draw to check my progesterone level to make sure I was ovulating. We talked about z0loft and whether or not I needed to wean off of it before getting pregnant. She said that z0loft was the safest of all the anti-depressants and it’s the only one they’ll use for a pregnant or nursing woman. She also said that she’d talk to my doctor about it just to be sure, but she thought he might want me to wean down to a lower dose and see how I felt.

Well, my doctor called this morning with FABULOUS news. Turns out I am ovulating just like I’m supposed to. My cycle is short (25 days) so I ovulate early, which is no big. He said that if my cycle gets any shorter, though, he’ll want to put me on a low dose of cl0mid. He said for us to try for two or three months and if I don’t get pregnant then he’ll write me a script.

The best part was that he said it was absolutely fine to continue my z0loft throughout the pregnancy and I didn’t have to change doses unless I felt like I needed to. He said z0loft is category B and in all his years as an OB he’s never had a problem with a pregnancy/baby due to taking it. How awesome is that? I was so afraid of The Crazy that I seriously considered nixing Operation Second Child just to avoid the whole thing. I feel so relieved to know that I can stay sane and not damage my unborn child at the same time. Because, honestly, it seemed like those two things were going to be mutually exclusive.

Now, if I could just get Gerald to be excited about another baby things would be perfect. Oh, he’s willing to “take one for the team,” but his heart isn’t in it. He agrees that Maddie ought to have a sibling and he knows how much I want another baby so he’s game, but if it were up to him Maddie would be it. I know that once the new kid is here he’ll love her/him just as much as he loves Maddie. (Remember, he wasn’t too sure about her at first, either.) I know things will be harder with two, but so worth it to see them play and grow together. To hear whispers and giggles as they plot a tiny wave of terror. To see the sibling bond up close and personal, since neither Gerald nor I had that.

I’m so ready for this next chapter to begin!

Obligatory Father’s Day Post

Gerald,

I try my best to make sure you feel loved and appreciated every day, but since it’s Father’s Day, I’ll exert a little extra effort. But you owe me.

Thank you for working so tirelessly for the last two years to make sure our family has the kind of life that we do. Thank you for missing all those trips to the zoo or to the park because you had to work. Thank you for sacrificing time with us now so that we’ll have much more time together in the future.

Thank you for being a strong and loving father to Maddie. Thank you for playing “blast off!” and for trying in vain to give her pretty hairstyles and for reading Green Eggs and Ham and for singing Old MacDonald countless times. Thank you for playing Tea Party and drinking tea from tiny pink cups. Thank you for making sure Maddie knows how much you love her each and every day.

Gerald, you are a wonderful father and husband. Let’s have more babies. OK? OK!

My Beautiful Mother

Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I love you as big as the sky.

Reminders

Have any of you kept up with the tragic story of Jade Goody? I’ve been reading for months and this morning when I found that she’d died, it was like a sucker punch to the face.

I know on the surface it would seem that Jade has very little in common with my mother, but trust me when I say that the similarities in their illness, treatment and deaths were enough to reduce me to tears on several occasions recently.

April 17th will mark the fourth anniversary of my mother’s death and while the rawness of my grief has healed, there is still a gaping hole in my heart. I don’t think that one ever gets over certain deaths. Parents, children, spouses… they all leave an emptiness behind that simply cannot be filled.