Here’s what that face meant: I’m having surgery on 8/11. (Due to both of us being in San Diego at the same time, the surgery will have to be after BlogHer. I am not broken up about that in the least.) The procedures I’m having are a major duct excision to get rid of all the ducts under the nipple-areolar complex and a few punch biopsies of the nipple itself. The doctor is concerned that I’ve got either Paget’s Disease of the Breast or DCIS.

The good news is that my MRI from a few months ago came back all clear, so if it does turn out to be cancer it hasn’t spread anywhere beyond the nipple-areolar complex and both of these types of cancers are pretty easy to treat. In the scheme of things, this is a pretty good diagnosis and not terrible at all; however, in my head it’s CANCER OMG I’M GOING TO LOSE MY HAIR OR DIE AND GERALD WILL BE LEFT TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN ALONE AND MY BABIES WON’T HAVE A MOMMA AND I KNOW HOW MUCH THAT SUCKS AND OMG CANCER!!!!!!

But, we all know I’m prone to freaking the fuck out at the drop of a hat, so I’m taking it with a grain of salt.

I really, truly appreciate those of you who sent kind words and well-wishes on twitter this morning. I was all alone at the hospital, but not really because you were all there with me. That meant the world to me. Thank you.

Turns out, everything isn’t exactly fine.

The good news is that the doctor didn’t find any lumps. Yea! The bad news? The boob issue may be Paget’s Disease. (The breast one, not the bone one. As my husband learned via Google.) I’m scheduled for an MRI this afternoon. Based on those results, I’ll either be having a biopsy right away or in a month. (If the MRI shows thickening of the nipple or DCIS, the biopsy will be right away. If it doesn’t then she’s going to give the issue a month before doing the biopsy in the hopes that it might clear up all on it’s own.)

The part that worries me the most is that the doctor didn’t give me any other options as far as what the issue might be. She just talked about Paget’s and getting me in for testing right away. It’d be a lot easier to tell myself that it’s most likely not cancer if the doctor had told me that. If she would have given me a presciption for something and said come back if it doesn’t clear up, I could breathe a sigh of relief and go on about my business. But no. Now I’m stuck in the endless “omgwhatifIhavecancer” loop. The only saving grace is that things seem to be moving quickly so I don’t have long stretches of waiting.

I keep repeating something I heard in a sermon on Sunday at my niece’s dedication: “Ain’t no use worrying about things you can control, because you have control over them. And ain’t no use worrying about things you can’t control, because you can’t control them.” I’m concentrating on the things I can control and reminding myself that worrying doesn’t cure cancer or infections or whatever else. All worrying does is waste valuable brain space.

* On the plus side, I’m feeling good. Not “good” in a falsely inflated way. Just “good” in a normal way. I feel more even-keel. I don’t have such frequent and terrible outbursts of anger or depression.

* My dr called with my lab results and my liver enzymes are perfectly normal. (w00t!) My amylase and lipase are elevated which is symptomatic of some sort of pancreatic wonkiness, so I’m to make an appointment with the gastroenterologist post haste. She also surprised me with the news that I’m pretty severely anemic. This is contributing to my overwhelming tiredness along with my son believing that sleep is for chumps. I’ve been taking an iron supplement daily and dang! I don’t think I’ve ever had such terrible side effects from a supplement before. I think I’d almost rather be tired.

* Tomorrow afternoon, I’m going for my bi-annual smash-o-gram and MRI. This just a normal screening and not diagnostic. I haven’t found any lumps or weirdness. And still I fret and wonder if this will be the time they find something. Being in the high risk program is nice because I’m confident that when I’m diagnosed it will be caught early. However, it’s awful because I use the phrase “WHEN I’m diagnosed” not “IF I’m diagnosed.” I sort of consider it a fact. Pragmatic or fatalistic? Who knows.

I’m in the high risk group for breast cancer, even though I’m BRCA 1 and 2 negative. I was supposed to have my semi-annual mammagram and MRI in December, but I was pregnant so we had to cancel and, um, I sort of never made another appointment. I’m supposed to go twice a year and it’s been 16 months since I’ve been.

In honor of breast cancer awareness month, I’m calling today to make my appointment. What about you? Have you been putting off your breast health?

Anyhow, so there’s no real post tonight. Excuses, excuses.

Oh! And the news that I had my first bi-annual exam with the Breast Cancer Risk Assessment High-Risk team. I’ve got the all-clear for the next six months and then we’ll do it again. The program consists of a clinical exam, mammo, and mri every six months. I’m feeling pretty good about my odds of having anything suspicious identified early on.

Anyhow, tomorrow will be filled with searching for new themes and editing of html. See you on the flip side.

The doctors can’t find a reason for my abdominal pain.

I have to go into work an hour after my genetics meeting.

Yes, that was horrible planning on my part.

I’m going to spend the morning playing with my baby girl and shopping at Target.

I miss you guys.

The final insult to injury? The day I get my results is the day before the anniversary of my mom’s death. Thanks for that, gods of scheduling.

Anyway, the point of this post isn’t to whine or garner sympathy. It’s to tell you that I feel the need to retreat into my shell for a little while. I suspect there’ll be much ruminating on my mortality and wondering what if? No one needs to be subjected to that. Trust me.

So, I’ll be around but kinda quiet for the next couple of weeks.