Let me just say that Shelly Overlook, Spuddy Buddy, Becky and TNG are so awesome it makes my teeth ache. I mean seriously, seriously awesome. Think of the most awesome thing you can think of. Ok, now multiply that by 47. THAT’S how awesome they are.

Moving on… I had my orientation at The Restaurant on Wednesday and HOLY SHIT. Being a server is way harder than it looks, people. Also, I’m the oldest server there. I’m Grandma Waitress, for cryn’n out loud. Anyhow, I’m training again tomorrow and Sunday and then Tuesday. After that, I’ll be a real, live waitress. SQUEE! I sure hope I don’t fail miserably at it. Oh well. If nothing else there’ll ample blog fodder, right? Oh, you’d better believe I checked the handbook for prohibitions on tattoos and blog posting. Not one. single. word. about it. Take that, old Workplace with your batshit crazy manangers!

P.S. If I’m still alive after working this weekend, I plan to post about my (belated) one year post gastric bypass shenanigans. Shenanigans, people. You know you don’t want to miss that.

P.P.S. I also need to tell you about my BlogHer/Dawn Grace tattoo and the excruiating pain I endured. And the GORGEOUS tattoo for which I endured said pain.

P.P.P.S. Nah, I don’t really have another one. I just wanted to type “P.P.P.S.”

Here’s an list of the topics I want to cover:
1. Why you should go to BlogHer10 in NYC
2. Things to consider in choosing a roommate
3. Why your outfits don’t matter in the least
4. Things I will do differently next year
5. The people I met
6. The essential packing list

(I’m not going to write about these in any particular order, but I do intend to cover them all over the course of this week.)

Since “The People I Met” is really foremost in my mind, I’m going to start there. First of all, let’s establish that I’m a total dork. I’m not afraid to go “fanboy” on anyone and will strike up conversations with strangers at the drop of a hat. I’m not socially awkward in the “shy” vein, but in the “who the hell was that and why was she throwing herself at me?” vein. And I’m ok with that. I own it. I can’t tell you how your experience might be if you’re the shy type. But if you’re a loudmouth, then listen up: The women I met at BlogHer were phenomenal. Friendly, appreciative of fawning, funny, intelligent and, most importantly, JUST LIKE US. No one cared about my outfits, no one cared whether or not my pedicure was fresh, and the only comments I got about my hair were positive ones. I didn’t look at your outfits and judge, (other than to compliment) I didn’t notice if you were fat or skinny, or that zit that showed up on Thursday morning. I noticed if you were funny, if you were having fun and whether or not you had business cards to share.

I was afraid it would be cliquey and exclusive. I was afraid I wouldn’t fit in. I was afraid that I was a nobody with 15 readers and people would wonder why the hell I thought I belonged there. Not a single one of those fears was founded. I threw myself at Linda, Ree and Eden with unabashed gushing. They were graceful and appreciative and certainly did not look down their noses at me. They seemed genuinely appreciative of my fawning. You know, as opposed to taking out a restraining order against me. All of the other women I met were just so happy to be there that it was contagious. I can honestly say that I cannot remember ever laughing that much in my adult life and I absolutely cannot wait to do it all again next year in NYC!

* I’m officially no longer employed at The Workplace. I know you’re all DYING to know the sitch, but I’m afraid it’s going to be pretty anticlimactic for you. Long and incredibly boring story short: There was a reorg and my position was eliminated. I was put back on the phones which is the job I started out in four years ago. I hate the phones. And it was such a slap in the face that every promotion I’d earned over the course of four years was wiped out in one fell swoop. Add a batshit crazy senior manager and it was a recipe for disaster. I tried my best to make it work, but it just wasn’t happening. I tried to negotiate with the batshit crazy manager but her batshit craziness sort of got in the way and I ended up having to resign. The day after I resigned I got a job waiting tables at a local restaurant. I’ve gotten some strange looks from folks when I tell them I’m giving up being a stockbroker in favor of being a waitress, but you know what? I’m so excited about it. I’m so ready to get out of the finance industry and learn something new. I don’t need to work, but I’m no good at being poor. I just need some spending money and no drama.

* Maddie’s spending the night with my dad and his wife tonight. Gerald and I are going on a real live date and sleeping in late tomorrow. WOO HOO!

* Sunday, Maddie and I are going to visit Gerald’s family down south. I’m going to stay until Wednesday and then come home and Maddie’s going to stay with her Nana and Papa until Saturday. That way Gerald has some free time while I’m in Chicago.

* Speaking of Chicago, BlogHer is in six days. I’ve gotten my hair cut, eyebrows waxed and a pedicure. I’m mentally packing and repacking trying to decide what to wear. I’m rehearsing my pick up lines and party banter. I’m loading my Kindle with books for the flight there and back. I think I’m ready for this.

* I threw myself a happy hour shindig on Wednesday night to say goodbye to my coworkers and friends. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I got shitfaced and embarrassed the hell out of myself. If I hadn’t already resigned I would have had to after that. There was no way I could face those people again. I’m told there was a lot of eye-contact avoidance at work the next morning. AWKWARD.

I have to brag for a minute… I recently discovered that Dawn Grace has only booked ONE appointment for a BlogHer attendee for the weekend of the conference. Can you guess who it is?? That’s right! ME! I’m the only BlogHer attendee that she’s tattooing the whole weekend. There are quite a few ticked off ladies out there, but I ain’t one of them. Also, the parlor she works in is offering 20% off of tattoos. WIN!

Let’s see… what else? I’m going to attempt to take Maddie to see the fireworks on Friday night. The downside is that they don’t start until 8:30/9:00 and she’s normally in bed by 7:00 or 7:30. I’m hoping a late afternoon nap will get us through. I betting she’ll be stoked about it not in a bad mood. We’re going to try it and if she melts down, well then we’ll just come home. No harm no foul. I’m trying to be low-key about it.

I’m also thinking of taking her to a water park this week since Gerald will be out of town. I thought we’d do something special, just the two of us. Score one for my bravery in wearing a bathing suit in public though, right? I may look like a half-melted candle, but I’m taking my little girl swimming, damn it!

AnyHOW, let’s talk about BlogHer. Shelly and I have been burning up the internets with our email correspondence regarding All Things BlogHer. The current item being discussed is Packing. Here’s the sitch: We’re both flying American Airlines which has that douche baggity policy about charging $25 for each checked bag each way. So, basically it’s $50 in addition to the ticket price in order to bring a piece of luggage bigger than a pair of underwear and toiletries that aren’t ziplocked and precisely three ounces and NOT A DROP MORE. GAH! In order to avoid the douche baggity TSA restrictions you have to pay the douche baggity fee! These airlines sure are DOUCHE BAGS. (Ahem. I’m fine now, really.) We’ve been told that there’s quite a bit of crap swag given out at BlogHer and that we might even want some of it. They advise bringing a good-sized suitcase and packing lightly to leave room to cart all your ill-gotten-gains home. Well, I don’t know about you, but if I was going to a huge four day long party with some of the coolest people I’ve never met, I wouldn’t choose to go the “packing lightly” route. I’m going to want options, people. I can’t be there with very few clothes and then see what other people are wearing and NOT have the option of changing! I mean, what are we? Amish? I figure I can deal with the bullshit TSA rules and cram my stuff into a carry-on, but that ain’t gonna leave me room for swag, you know what I’m sayin?

Shelly had the brilliant idea to, you know, ask someone who’s actually been to BlogHer before. This person’s advice was to pack a carry-on and include a duffel bag in the carry-on. That way, we have something to cart home swag in and would only have to pay the $25 on the return flight. GENIUS! Why in the hell couldn’t we think of that on our own??? Probably because our brains are addled with thoughts like: OMGIcan’t believeIgettomeet… andwhatwillIwear… andwhatifnoonetalkstome… whatifIgetlost… whatif… whatif… etc, etc, etc. (Say that last part like you’re the King of Siam, please.)

Meanwhile, Gerald’s going out of town next week, so it’s going to be me and Maddie for five whole days. ALONE. Anyone want in on the over/under for when I snap and list her on eBay? “Gently Used Toddler Girl – only slightly assholish. $.99 No Reserve.”

That being said, I make no claims to publishing actual interesting content. My goal is to post. Not to post well.

Item the 1st: Why is it that motorcycle drivers/riders ALWAYS acknowledge each other on the road? I’ve seen a motorcyclist on one side of the highway raise a hand in some sort of half-assed wave to other motorcyclists on the OTHER side of the highway traveling in the OPPOSITE direction. I mean, I understand the whole “acknowledging a member of your particular tribe” thing, but really? I don’t wave to everyone else driving a minivan. I don’t wave to other mothers pushing their kids around in carts at Target. (You know, unless I know them or whatev.) I don’t give a shout out to every other person with visible tattoos, either. So what’s the deal with motorcyclists? Do any of you ride/drive a motorcycle? Can you PLEASE clue me in? This is driving me batshit crazy. Thank you.

Item the 2nd: My weight loss has stalled. Now, when I say stalled you may get the idea that I’m working diligently to lose weight by exercising and eating healthfully. And you’d be wrong. I’m pretty much eating like crap and not moving unless it’s absolutely necessary… and not always then. I really need a swift kick in the ass. Feel free to leave one for me in the comments. Bonus points if you throw in guilt about not setting a good example for/not being around a long time for Maddie.

Item the last: My “business” cards for BlogHer arrived today. I. Am. So. Effing. Excited.

Maddie’s debut as a flowergirl last weekend went off without a hitch. She did exactly what she was supposed to do and charmed everyone. She totally gets that from me, you know.

Speaking of Maddie, she’s got Scarlet Fever. WTF? I always thought that was an old timey thing like Consumption or whatev. She’s doped up on ibuprofen for the double ear infection and sore throat, Benadryl for the itchy rash and Amoxicillan for the cooties. We’re watching more TV than we ought to and she’s whining more than I care for, but we’re surviving. (Speaking of toddler TV, what is it with Wubbzy? My kid loves that damn show more than she loves me. If our house was on fire and she had to choose between saving me or Wubbzy, she’d use me a step to reach Wubbzy.)

I find it ironic that as BlogHer gets closer, I’m blogging less and less. (I feel like I owe you an explanation or an excuse, but I don’t. Not really, right? I mean, I write when I write and you read when you read. We’re cool like that.) Anyhow, back to BlogHer. There’s local meetup this weekend for pre-BlogHer socializing. I’m planning on going, but if I wake up that morning with a raging case of Awk, forget it. I’m already nervous enough about meeting you guys, I don’t need the added stress of wondering whether or not the other bloggers are telling you exactly how Awk I was at the meetup. I’d prefer to spring the Awk on you when you’re all liquored up at the cocktail party. That way your recollection of having met me will be fuzzy at best and you’ll think I was perfectly charming.

Probably I’ve put WAY to much thought into this, right?

I have no idea how I’m supposed to be expected to wait six months for this shindig. I’m going to meet Shelly, for cryn’n out loud! Shouldn’t the BlogHer people move the conference up by about five months?

Luckily, this spring/summer is going to be crazy hectic for us so it ought to go by quickly. It’s also looking like I’ll be going back to work part-time really soon, so that’s one more thing that should help time pass a little more quickly.

Part of the reason I’m so excited about going is because I feel like I’m doing it for me. This blog is my very own space in my otherwise crowded life. My friends and I can talk about whatever here. I don’t have a lot of that in my day-to-day life, you know? I want to grow as a blogger. Not visits or ads or junk like that. More like communicating better and engaging my readers more. I’m hoping BlogHer will help get me on the right path. If not, well, it’s sure to be one helluva party, right? I mean, I’m rooming with Becky and, did I mention SHELLY?

I have an appointment with her the morning before I fly home from BlogHer! Can you believe it?? I’m FINALLY going to get a Dawn Grace tattoo. As if BlogHer wasn’t going to be awesome enough!

So, here’s where you come in. I need help deciding what to get. Take a look at her work in Flickr to get an idea of her style. What I’d like to get is a tattoo to commemorate my weight loss/transformation. By the time BlogHer rolls around in July, I’ll be one year post-op and (hopefully) at my goal weight. I want my tattoo to symbolize the drastic changes in my life, but I don’t want anything cheesy like a butterfly or a phoenix. Not that I’m against either of those things, mind you. I just want something more unique. Besides, Gerald has already gotten me a beautiful butterfly bracelet as a 1/2 way to goal present.

I’d love for you to give me some ideas. Send me descriptions, doodles or links. Help a sister out, wouldja? kthanx!

Remember how I said I was going to BlogHer in 2009? Well, I think it’ll be even more fun if you go, too. In order to keep things organized and neat, I’d like to start a list in the sidebar over there of all of us that are going. That way if you’re looking for a roomie, or wanna share a road trip to Chicago, you’ll have a handy list of other bloggers that you can ask. See? Doesn’t that sound like a fabulous idea? I know!

Send me an email or leave a comment here if you’re planning on going to BlogHer in July and I’ll add you to the list. K? K!