December 11th, 2012

When you’re in the midst of a depressive episode, everything is so damned hard. Little things that you know aren’t really hard are suddenly these insurmountable obstacles that are only in your path for the sole purpose of fucking up everything but good.

When you’re in the midst of a depressive episode and really are dealing with situations that are taxing to people who aren’t depressed, well, let’s just say the urge to crawl into a hole and hide from everything and everyone is Very Strong.

Sometimes I just get so tired of trying so hard all the time. Trying to be a loving and supportive wife. Trying to be a patient and attentive mother. Trying to be an effective and motivating boss. Trying to make sure everyone will be pleased with their Christmas gifts. Trying to make sure we get where we need to be when we need to be there. Trying to keep this house out of a hoarders show. I feel like all I do is try and I’m never really successful at anything. I’m just sort of half-assing my way through everything.

I want to be a whole-asser.

9 Responses to “Hard”

  1. Julie on December 11, 2012 6:13 pm

    Whatever part of your ass you’re using, I think you’re doing a remarkable job. You have a lot of balls to juggle, and you are keeping them in the air, really. And that’s the point. To hear you’re having these capital F Feelings at the same time, well, frankly, you’re a rock star. Plus, you have a phenomenal wit that shines through all of it, and I’m in awe of that. I love you to pieces.

  2. Sarah on December 11, 2012 7:00 pm

    Oh, honey… Every single day I feel like I’m half assing something, if not everything, and I’m not dealing with depression on top of it. What can we do but keep trying? And accept imperfection. When there are small kids, it’s the name of the game.
    But you’re right… all the trying gets really freaking old sometimes.

  3. Swistle on December 12, 2012 4:55 am

    It sounds to me like you’re employing your entire ass, but that you’ve only been assigned one regulation ass to use. Trying to whole-ass everything is like trying to give everyone at dinner the entire pie: the pie can be divided, or the pie can be passed around, but there’s only one pie.

  4. Tessie on December 12, 2012 9:32 am

    AGREE with Swistle…there is just no way to whole-ass all of those things. I don’t whole-ass ANYTHING in my life, and that’s by design. It’s not possible in this season where I am trying to grow my career and have a fairly young marriage and young kids.

    I told my boss this week that this has been a really hard year (at work), and he said, “they’re ALL hard”. Downer, but on the other hand, no need to take a hard year personally if they’re ALL hard in SOME way. xo

  5. jules on December 12, 2012 11:02 am

    Spoken like a mother. The good news is you have support and you are not alone. If you throw your WHOLE ass into your tasks… well, you set the bar too high for the rest of us half assers. I hear we don’t like that. Makes us feel like we too need to keep up with the Joneses. But that’s just another job we would have to do. This is the season to feel pushed and rushed. You will find that balance. If you don’t, come visit me and I will take you to Disneyland.

  6. Cara on December 12, 2012 2:55 pm

    *HUGS* Depression sucks. I hate that it makes it so hard to do the things that make it a little bit better. I’ve been there. I guarantee you that you are doing a great job. Remember, there is no need to do everything perfectly and as if you can spend 24 hours a day on it. Take some time to be good to yourself. You are important!

  7. Megan @ Mama Bub on December 12, 2012 6:28 pm

    As usual, Swistle speaks the truth. Those are all full time jobs if we let them be. As much as I wish there were five Erica’s, there are not.

    My husband walks in the door and looks at the mess and says, “MAN, these kids,” and starts cleaning up. And then I want to cry in the closet because all I’ve been doing all day long is cleaning up their messes. This is just what they’ve done in the last five minutes. It doesn’t really ever end, and that’s not meant to be a downer. It’s just to say that you can’t clean your house and be done with it forever, there will always be something to be done. Even the person who gets it all done has SOMETHING on a to do list. Maybe knowing that will help you not feel half-assed. (Love you.)

  8. Jenna on December 12, 2012 6:53 pm

    I’m adding my voice to the chorus: we are ALL half-assing it and there is NO OTHER WAY. Whole assing it is a LIE. NO ONE DOES IT. NO ONE.

    Ignore the facebook and blog and twitter postings of perfection. They are but one small slice of someone’s life (and maybe not even totally true.)

    But forget about the half assing it part: I’m sorry you’re having a depressive episode. Don’t believe that inner voice, the one that’s telling you you suck. You don’t suck. You rock.

    But while you rock, some moments, some days, some weeks, suck. Head down, get through them. Those sucky moments are NOT YOU. Don’t let them stick to you.

  9. Alice on December 14, 2012 10:17 am

    i don’t even have any real responsibilities or challenges in my life (read: no kids! no mortgage!) and i whole-ass roughly zero things. half-assing is where it’s at :)

    how did that old Calvin & Hobbes comic go? about keeping the bar low on expectations = life is easier?

    AH. HERE. http://bestofcalvinandhobbes.com/2012/05/life-is-easier-the-lower-you-keep-expectations/

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