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Endings
December 18th, 2011
Tomorrow I have a pre-op appointment with my OB/Gyn, Dr. G. And on Thursday, I’ll be undergoing a simple procedure to shut down the baby-making factory for good.
I’m having a rather strange reaction to the end of my fertile days. I don’t feel bad about it, but I feel bad about not feeling bad. Does that make sense? I sort of feel like I ought to be mourning the loss of babies we’ll never have. Little people whose faces would have lit up at the sight of me. A new person to get to know and love. But I’m not thinking about those things except to realize that I’m not thinking about those things.
At first, I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. That I was cold and unfeeling toward one of the biggest decisions of my life. But the more I think about it, I realize that I’m not indifferent, I’m content. I am so secure in the completeness of my family that I don’t mourn the loss of hypothetical babies. I do not feel any urges to be pregnant again or to have another a baby to snuggle. It’s almost like a switch has been clicked off.
In three months, I will no longer be able to get pregnant. Ever again. And I’m ok with that.
test Filed under knocked up, where do I come up with this stuff? | Comments (9)9 Responses to “Endings”
My husband and I just had this discussion yesterday. We eneded up fighting about it but I finally got him to say he’d have the procedure done. I am counting down to the day that it happens.
(In like 5 years)
So I don’t think it’s bad that you aren’t feeling sad about it.
I love discussions about these decisions and about the associated feelings.
I love hearing this from other people. I am not willing to do anything to myself, although I don’t want more children. I would really like my husband to take care of this since I managed the bearing and birthing and breastfeeding, you know? I wonder how I would feel if he made the appointment tomorrow.
Wow Erica, this has been quite the year for you. I hope you have a smooth surgery with a quick recovery. 2012 better be a lot nicer to you.
Good for you for finding a peaceful decision about this!
I feel similarly, though it took longer for me to get there. I felt sad about not having another baby for about a year (the year when Ellie, my second, was 1-2 yrs old) but now… I feel at peace with it. I keep waiting to feel sad about it. I keep waiting to see a baby and ache to hold her and – more importantly – ACHE to hold another one of mine and it…. hasn’t happened in over 6 months. I think that’s a good sign. A
And I think my husband will be getting the snip. But just in case he doesn’t, I’ll be curious to hear how your recovery is! Good luck and I hope it’s quick and painless!
I think guilt is, for the most part, a supremely useless emotion. And I envy your contentment. I think you’re lucky…and then I wonder if that is bad.
Hm.
Woot woot to closing down shop!
Content is good! It’s a nice feeling!
First, congrats on feeling good and unconflicted about your decision. And second, tell me more of this procedure! Cause yeah, after this FOURTH baby, I think we’re both about done here. Husband is still annoyingly squicked out about the vasectomy idea (don’t get me STARTED on the fairness of that) so I told him if he doesn’t do it, I’ll do something, then. So he can decide whether he wants a few days of discomfort or for me to have something to eternally hold over his head!