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Reason #4578 why depression and anxiety suck.
March 31st, 2011
Earlier this week I received an email from a friend that really shook me. It was out of line in every conceivable way and was the most unexpected email I’ve gotten in a very long time. Days later and I’m still fretting about it. Allowing it to keep me awake at night and cloud my mind with doubts about all of my friends and how they really feel about me.
In a fit of pique, I quit twitter and no one noticed.
Of course, this sent me further into a downward spiral. I make no secret of the fact that I have very few brick and mortar friends; however, my internet friends mean just as much to me. Now I’m thinking maybe they mean too much to me. Maybe I’ve put too much effort into maintaining friendships with people who don’t consider me a “real” friend because we can’t see each other frequently. Maybe I’m simply an entertaining way to pass the time and easy replaced with whomever’s next in line.
I’m trapped in a whirlpool of negative thoughts and self-doubt and I can’t swim out. All because of one stupid email and wonky brain chemistry.
test Filed under confessional | Comments (14)14 Responses to “Reason #4578 why depression and anxiety suck.”
I’m sorry you’re feeling sad. I didn’t realize that you quit Twitter, because I, uh, haven’t exactly been participating much lately. I wouldn’t have noticed if ANYBODY quit, you know? Trust me – it’s definitely not a reflection of YOU.
I hope you feel better soon, which I realize sounds trite, but I really do mean it.
I find in these situations (I TOTALLY KNOW that lying awake in a whirlpool feeling), it helps to flip it: do _I_ notice when someone ELSE is off Twitter for awhile or doesn’t blog for awhile? No, not unless I’m waiting for labor/delivery of a blog baby, and even THEN I might not notice. Noticing something THERE is easier than noticing something NOT THERE—as we all know from trying to figure out who Twitter dropped for us when our following count went from 50 to 48.
If you do something to get attention and no one notices, that WOULD feel crummy—but I don’t think it Means Something in terms of friendships. I think what it means is that just as eavesdroppers never hear good news, people who test their friends never like the scores.
I agree with Swistle. I can barely keep up with Twitter and wouldn’t notice if someone quit. Focus on swimming out of the whirlpool. Try to find one positive thing to focus on until you get yourself out. Well, that’s what I try to do when I’m getting sucked into the vortex. If that doesn’t work, get thee to the doctor. Sending positive thoughts.
I hope we get to be both kinds of friends from here on out, because I think you’re fantastic. I have missed you on Twitter, so please come back. And let’s get together soon. I’ll ply you with chocolate until you’re in a wild and crazy endorphin haze.
It’s so easy to let others (or what we assume others are thinking about us) drive us completely nuts. I am the master at this. It’s a skill to let that stuff go and focus on being better every day, one that takes a lot of time to develop. It’s a constant challenge.
So anytime you need a pick me up, look no further. You’re super cool. Who else beats mystery illness inside of a week?
I’m pretty self absorbed and don’t notice when things are missing. Case in point: My dad had a moustache for all of my childhood. One day in high school I came home to find him ‘stache-less. I looked at him and looked at him and couldn’t figure out what was different. “What did you do to your face?” I eventually asked.
For what it’s worth, I feel a little pit every time you allude to being done with blogging because it would leave a hole in my online life, which is very much a part of my real life.
Also, why aren’t we Facebook friends yet??
Swistle, You’re right. What I did was immature and I’m embarrassed that I did it. And I got exactly what I deserved.
Like the others say, I’m so overwhelmed by Twitter that I don’t notice when I’m NOT seeing people on there.
Yep, I don’t notice when people don’t tweet for a while either. My “stream” is just too big now and I’m not on it enough to notice.
Sorry you are in a bad place right now. We do care, us little internet friends.
I’ve been feeling very left out by all the bloggers (all people I’d like to meet) heading off to something called “Nintendo Enthused” this weekend, when I don’t even know what it IS, much less how they found out about it. I for sure was never “invited”, if being invited is the way you get to go…
Also, I don’t know who would send a “friend” a out-of-nowhere scathing email, but wow. At least you know their truth now, right? One bad egg doesn’t make the whole carton rotten, so don’t give up on the rest of us, ok?
Also, the only time I ever notice if anyone has left twitter or fb is if I need to message them for some reason… There’s just too many people that exist in both of those places to keep track.
I’m sorry someone sent you a mean email.
I actually did notice you were quiet on Twitter, though I didn’t think you quit, but I figured you were just busy plus I’ve been busy and barely around. ((hug))
**HUGS** Erica! I DID notice that you haven’t been on Twitter. I miss you. Between Shelly taking a break and you missing, it’s a lot quieter.
I miss you both!
I’m sorry that you’re having problems with your friend. That really sucks! I’ve had things like that happen before, and it really hurts. Eventually I remember that I am me and that’s what matters. I have my family who loves and cares for me, and my God who wants the best for me too. That’s comforting to me and it helps me refocus. I hope that you’re feeling better about things soon.
Why did you quit Twitter? Come back! I barely know how to work Twitter.
Wanna hang out soon!?! I’ll see you at Book Club next weekend, right? Sunday @ 5:00!
Erica,
Isn’t it weird that one comment can affect us and how one comment can cause us to forget all the positive comments and thoughts that we have received. I do the same thing. My prayers are with you. I know that it’s challenging, especially when you’re feeling sad. But focus on the positive things that you are. You’re an excellent mother and wife. You’re a great daughter. Your kids are great. So let the Joy of the Lord be your strength. Luv u.
I am sorry you are in such a bad place. When you catch yourself saying mean things about yourself, tell yourself to stop! Because they are NOT TRUE. They are a pattern of thinking that IS NOT TRUE.
You deserve better.