Reason #4578 why depression and anxiety suck.
Earlier this week I received an email from a friend that really shook me. It was out of line in every conceivable way and was the most unexpected email I’ve gotten in a very long time. Days later and I’m still fretting about it. Allowing it to keep me awake at night and cloud my mind with doubts about all of my friends and how they really feel about me.
In a fit of pique, I quit twitter and no one noticed.
Of course, this sent me further into a downward spiral. I make no secret of the fact that I have very few brick and mortar friends; however, my internet friends mean just as much to me. Now I’m thinking maybe they mean too much to me. Maybe I’ve put too much effort into maintaining friendships with people who don’t consider me a “real” friend because we can’t see each other frequently. Maybe I’m simply an entertaining way to pass the time and easy replaced with whomever’s next in line.
I’m trapped in a whirlpool of negative thoughts and self-doubt and I can’t swim out. All because of one stupid email and wonky brain chemistry.
Filed under confessional | Comments (14)Dare to Compare
I really ought to shoot myself in the head instead of posting this, but I’ve never been the sharpest tool in the shed. So, let me lay it on the line: I’m feeling crushed by the ever-present Mommy Guilt. What about?
Well, I just read a blog post that was a letter to a little boy who was born two weeks before Sam was. It was very sweet and outlined the little boy’s achievements, likes, dislikes, personality, etc. The same thing I do for my kids. Only, this one caused me a fair bit of angst because her son? LEAPS AND BOUNDS ahead of Sam. He’s been crawling for a month and a half. He says like 10 words. He mimics his parents. Sam? Not so much.
Gerald and I have talked about Sam’s lack of interest in doing, well, anything and we’d basically come to the conclusion that he’s just the world’s laziest baby laid back. I was sure that he might be less ambitious than Maddie because he’s a boy, he’s second-born and he’s a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. I try not to compare Sam and Maddie, but it’s impossible. The only experience I have raising a child is what I’ve gained with Maddie. It’s logical and reasonable for me to compare raising her with raising Sam. Maddie is an ambitious, independent, intelligent leader. She’s bossy, opinionated and never still. Sam is laid back, relaxed, happy and carefree. He’s pretty mellow for a wee baby and content to just go along with whatever’s happening.
The problem is now I’m comparing him with this little boy. Sam is nowhere near doing these things. And I’m worried. I’ve pretty much convinced myself that the reason Maddie was so far ahead of where Sam is at the same age is because I was able to devote almost all my time to her. Sam has to deal with getting way less attention and now his development is suffering for it.
To make matters worse, I feel like shit every time I have to tell Maddie I can’t play right now because I’m taking care of Sam. I can’t give either one of them my full attention so now they’re both suffering because of it.
Gerald and I are both only children so I have no idea how it’s supposed to work with more than one kid. Is this normal? That your kids are so! different! from each other? That you always feel like you’re short-changing one or the other? Will they both hate me when they’re older? Maddie, because I took away my undivided attention. Sam, because he got the shaft from the minute he was born. Have I ruined my kids’ lives by having two of them?
Filed under Sam, where do I come up with this stuff? | Comments (16)The End… or is it?
I think I may be done blogging. This blog is four and a half years old, but it’s certainly not my first. I’ve been blogging for almost seven years now.
I don’t feel like I have anything left to say to you. I find myself keeping things to myself more and more these days.
BUT
I can’t seem to just quit. First of all, being a blogger has been part of my identity for so long now that I’m afraid to stop. Who am I if I’m not a blogger? Secondly, and most importantly, I’ve met so many wonderful people that I never in a million years would have met if it wasn’t for my blog. I don’t want to cut myself off from the opportunity of meeting more new people who may become good friends. I’d be lost without my besties and I’d never want to close the door on new friends.
BUT
I feel like I need to be present more for my kids. I think I use blogging as an escape. (Reading, mostly.) It lets me connect with other women like me but at what cost? I don’t seem to be able to balance it like I think I ought to. And no, there isn’t anyone judging me (out loud, anyway) I’m judging myself and I KNOW there are times when I ignore my kids so I can check your posts. And that bothers me. I get one shot at this motherhood thing. I don’t want to screw it up by not being present with my kids.
BUT
BUT
BUT
So, I guess for now I’ll be around, but not as much. I’ll try that for a while and see how it goes. Maybe I’ll be back and maybe it’ll be time for All Dressed Up to finally leave the building. We’ll see. I’m not saying goodbye just yet. More like, “see ya later, alligator.”
Filed under confessional | Comments (9)Well, THAT was random
That was a heck of a week, wasn’t it? Holy moly, I didn’t see that one coming.
For those of you who don’t follow me on twitter, here’s a brief recap:
Wednesday – I woke up feeling bad and had some pain in my lower right abdomen. The pain increased as the day progressed and I ended up in our local ER. The doctor on call thought it was appendicitis. After eight hours and countless tests later, I was told it was an ovarian cyst with a small amount of torsion and to follow up with my OB/Gyn as soon as possible.
Thursday – I called my OB’s office and explained the situation and they got me in that afternoon. After an exam, my OB thought the ER was full of crap and that I had appendicitis. So, he sent me over to the ER at Big City Hospital where his office is located. First of all, let me just tell you that was terrifying all by itself. There were some shady characters in that waiting room, let me tell you. I ended up in tears because I was all alone and scared and I’m pretty sure I saw a hooker, FTLOG.
Anyhow, the Big City Hospital ER repeated all the same tests that I had the night before and found the same results. Except that my liver enzymes were 10 times what they were supposed to be. That bought me a ticket to a room upstairs. I had quite a few tests and about a million vials of blood drawn and they still couldn’t figure out WTF was going on.
Monday – I had an EGD and my pouch and stoma were all in working order. No ulcers, no adhesions, nada. So, whatever was going on was in my lower GI tract/abdomen.
Wednesday – My OB and a bariatric surgeon did a laparoscopy to see what was going on. Apparently, I had a plethora of nastiness going on in there. They took my appendix out. (To quote my OB, it didn’t look horrible, but it didn’t look great.) I had some scar tissue that had attached my right ovary to some other part of my body. (I’m a little fuzzy on those details.) I also had two hernias from my gastric bypass that the bariatric surgeon corrected. My liver enzymes came back down over the week, so that was good. We’re keeping an eye on them.
I got to come home on Thursday afternoon. I spent the rest of the weekend in a drug-induced stupor. I finally emerged today and did some grocery shopping. I had to take a 2.5 hour nap afterward, but that’s still progress, right?
Gerald was an absolute gem. He took charge of everything; kids, house, me, everything. Our wonderful family helped by watching the kids and coming to visit me. And all of you were so fantastic keeping me entertained on twitter and calling with sweet offers to sneak me in contraband food. A girl couldn’t ask for better friends!
Filed under where do I come up with this stuff? | Comments (9)Things I just don’t get.
1. Straight celebrities who say they’re engaged but won’t get married until everyone has the right to get married. First of all, why get engaged at all then? That makes no sense. Secondly, gay people do not care whether or not you get married. What they care about is whether or not they can get married. Straight marriages don’t figure into the equation at all. What are you thinking will happen? Some right-wing, homophobic senator who’s been in the seat for 60 years is going to say “Wait a minute. You mean to say that straight men and women are living in sin because we won’t allow these homosexuals to get married? Well, that ain’t right. We need to fix this and now.” No. No one cares that straight people aren’t getting married. Except maybe their mothers.
2. The hypocrisy of London’s Fashion Week has reached epic proportions. First, we have designers paying lip service to the anti-anorexia propaganda and using models who look like cancer patients. Then there’s the 15 year old model who was below the age allowed. Finally, we have designers using men as models for their women’s collections. So we’re basically being told that we have three ways to achieve that ideal figure: 1. Be anorexic. 2. Be a child barely through puberty. 3. Be a man. Well, easy peasy. I’ll get right on that.
3. Jennifer Lopez and her incessant boo hooing on American Idol. Like she gives a rat’s ass about these people.
4. Charlie Sheen.
5. Why my kitten cranks it up to 11 right at bed time every night. She’s a menace.
Filed under complaining, where do I come up with this stuff? | Comments (4)
