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Public Accountability
December 4th, 2010
It’s no secret that I’ve had a life-long problem with my weight. At my heaviest (while pregnant with Maddie) I weighed 315 lbs. When not pregnant, I weighed about 300 lbs even. In July of 2008, I had gastric bypass surgery and lost 140 lbs.
While pregnant with Sam, my OB was concerned that I wasn’t gaining enough weight and encouraged me to eat a little more. I took this to mean “eat whatever the hell you feel like in whatever quantities you feel like.” I only gained 13 lbs throughout my pregnancy, but ruined any semblance of healthy eating that I once practiced. In the six and a half months since Sam was born, I’ve gained 10ish lbs and I’m NOT GESTATING ANOTHER HUMAN.
I am disgusted with myself. I can see these extra pounds hanging off my body. And I can feel them when I try to get into my jeans. I hate it. HATE IT. But for some reason, that hatred completely disappears when it’s time to shove something unhealthy into my cake hole. This is incontrovertible proof that gastric surgery changes your body, but your mind is exactly the same. I’m still struggling to keep my weight in check even though I paid thousands of dollars to have my gut rearranged to help me.
I’m so upset. I know that this surgery was and is my last chance to get myself under control. There isn’t another option. I’m starting Weight Watchers today. Again. I accept that I will always struggle with my weight and I will always have to work harder at it than I want to. I’m willing to do it so that I can feel good about myself again. This is my public declaration in the hopes that the accountability will further encourage me.
test Filed under confessional, WLS | Comments (12)12 Responses to “Public Accountability”
It is so frustrating that some of us are just stuck struggling with our weight and that will never go away, no matter what. But the great thing about WLS is that the struggles aren’t all in vain–you can actually lose the weight and keep it off. And for me, that makes all the difference with the mental aspect of it.
Good luck with Weight Watchers! You can do it!
i, too, will always struggle with my weight. i’m not super heavy, but if i let myself get out of control i could be. lately, its running that has really kicked my butt into gear. i don’t want to be that fat lady trying to run and looking absolutely absurd. so, i’m trying to eat right along with the running. one of my first weeks in ww i learned that weight loss is 80 % eating right, 20 % excercise. sometimes i forget that and eat whatever i want. Good luck with ww! you can do it!!
I cheering you on Erica!
Good luck Erica, you can do it! I’m trying to just stay even over the holidays…
I have become very sedentary and am also eating every emotion I have lately. I feel and look gross. I’m trying to get my ass in gear as well.
I know you can do it. So can I. We rock!
Oh, Erica – as someone who has had a lifetime struggle with weight, I just empathize so much.
Good luck with WW. You have me pulling for you in Portland, OR.
You can do it!! I’m struggling too, big time! I had done so well and lost a bunch of weight, and I’ve gained back about… 18 lbs in the last 6 months. It’s awful. I’m finally facing it and I need to get my butt in gear.
For a long time I’ve struggled with weight. I’m stuck with it. I have a lot of work to do. I understand what you’re saying. You can do this! You can!!
awww. Good for you for making a chance.
I want to offer you what I hope is not assvice. It is totally meant out of the goodness of my heart, and really just because of one little line that made me go “ack”. Any time you are upset about what has happened to your body, remind yourself what you are doing to fix it. You are making the great step for solving the problem, therefore deserve *not* to beat yourself up about it.
I’m cheering you on, too, and for what it’s worth, I thought you were just beautiful when I met you.
But, also, it IS a lifelong journey. One you’ll never full master or fully fail at because there’s always tomorrow. One meal at a time….
Figure out the sleep thing with Sam, then you’ll figure out the weight thing. When we are sleep deprived(especially those of us that have a struggle with our metabolisms and overeating), our bodies work harder to store energy to get us through the times without sleep. It makes sick sense in a Neanderthal way – the more we’re awake, the more energy we need, therefore we CONSERVE!!
It happened to me, too, but without the WLS, with my second. You’re right – he needs to self-sooth. He’s using the bottle as a pacifier, and it’s a habit now.
Good luck! I’m thinking of you!!!
Thanks for posting this. I think it is an important thing for people like me to hear. People like me being folks that are of course struggling with our weight and have at some point contemplated surgery. I personally have had to come to the conclusion that even though I was able to fight off diabetes (GO ME, right?) I will have to live the rest of my life like I haven’t.