Elmer’s Glue and Scotch Tape

Thank you. For not judging. For not saying “I told you so,” even if you were thinking it. For empathizing. For sympathizing. For taking the time to encourage. Thank you. Even though you’re all so far away, I felt each of you close by last night. I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me. Thank you.

I saw my doctor today. Have I ever told you that she’s a woman? And a mom of two little boys herself? And her kids are exactly the same age apart as mine are? She gets it. She listened. She hugged. She gave tissues. She said that she wishes more women would be brave enough to say that being a mother isn’t always great. That it’s hard. That we wonder what in the hell we were thinking. That we sometimes wish we’d never had children in the first place. We all struggle to live up to this “ideal mother” persona that we’ve created in our collective imaginations, but the truth is none of us are this mythical mother who never gets upset, never says ugly things to her kids, never feels ashamed and never dreams of running away. She simply doesn’t exist, this woman that we’re all trying to be. Motherhood is HARD. And it would be so much easier if we all said these scary things out loud and supported and encouraged each other, instead of hiding them out of some misguided sense of shame.

We’ve started that, you and me. I wrote my post. You commented about how it’s been rough for you, too. We’re breaking the taboo and admitting that we’re sometimes broken and that doesn’t make us bad mothers. It makes us mothers. Period.

So, my wonderful doctor wrote me a prescription for a new SSRI and will see me in three weeks. Unfortunately, the drug she chose isn’t covered by my insurance because it doesn’t have a generic. I left a message and she’ll call me back in the morning with a new script. Thank goodness. I feel like I’m not quite as broken now. I’m held together with Elmer’s glue and Scotch tape, but I’m held together nonetheless. I keep telling myself that I just have to make it two or three weeks and I’ll feel better. That’s not so long to wait, right? I can plow through knowing there’s an end in sight. I’m not just floundering out here grasping for something, anything, to keep me afloat.

I also got TWO flu shots today. My arm is so sore that I can barely lift it above my boobs. I’m fairly certain that I already feel sick, too. ::cough cough:: I can feel a Man Cold coming on right this very minute. Imma milk this sumbitch for all it’s worth. Which is about $.17.

I also had some labs drawn. My liver enzymes have been elevated in the past and need to be checked (My mother had non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver and her actual cause of death was liver failure due to all the chemo drugs. I don’t have a fatty liver anymore, thanks to losing 140lbs, but my liver may still be scarred so it’s something my doctor keeps a close eye on.) and I’m being tested for Chronic Pancreatitis. My bariatric surgeon suspected that I have it a year ago and I’ve never been tested. I’ve been having flare-ups lately so it’s time to face the music. I’ve got a referral for a Gastroenterologist who specializes in pancreatic and biliary tract diseases. Of course, this includes pancreatic cancer, which I am steadfastly refusing to think about even though it keeps trying to sneak its way into my already troubled mind. Because I’m crazy AND a hypochondriac, apparently.

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