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A Very Dark Place
August 14th, 2010
Those of you who follow me on twitter may have noticed that I took both kids down south to see the in-laws. I took them on what is supposed to be a 4.5 hour road trip BY MYSELF.
I’m going to pause here and let the horror of that sentence sink in.
Have you imagined it, yet? Picture having to stop every 30 minutes to feed Sam or take Maddie to the bathroom at some skeezy gas station or smelly rest stop. Picture the trip down there taking 6.5 hours instead of the normal 4.5.
Horrifying, yes?
Once we got there I was supposed to bunk with Maddie. I haven’t slept in a bed with her since she was four months old. And that was only for one night. Let me tell you that sleeping with a preschooler is pure, unadulterated hell. First of all, she was so excited about our “sleepover” that she kept me up half the night wanting to chat. When she did sleep, she was practically horizontal across the bed and kicking me with her evil little feet. On the second night, I woke up to find her draped across me. LITERALLY draped across me, people. And let’s not forget the waking up at 5am declaring it Morning Time! and Let’s Get Up, Mom!
After two nights of this, I borrowed an air mattress and Sam and I slept in the living room. This meant that Mad got a good night’s sleep. But me and Sam? Not so much. He started teething and running a fever and generally being a total pain in my ass typical three month old who’s routine is shot to hell. I decided to cut the trip short a day and just get everyone home already.
We left at 2:00 on Thursday afternoon and headed home. Again, this is a 4.5 hour trip, normally. Half of the trip is on small two-lane highways in the hill country. It’s a very pretty drive, but pretty sparsely populated. I decided to go through Austin, instead, so that there’d be places to stop if Mad had to pee or if I needed to feed Sam.
This was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.
I ended up in Austin at 4:00. Those of you who’ve never driven in Austin’s rush hour have no idea of the absolute hell that the previous sentence implies. And for that you should be eternally grateful. It took me TWO HOURS to get across town. The majority of the time was spent stopped on the highway and then on an overpass to get to another highway. Sam spent the ENTIRE TIME screaming. I’m not exaggerating one tiny bit.
I went to a Very Dark Place in those two hours, guys. I pounded the steering wheel in impotent rage, I yelled at my baby to “shut up, damn it!” I yelled at Maddie when she got scared and questioned my behavior. I bawled like a baby myself. I’d like to blame lack of sleep, but I know that’s not all it was.
I also thought about driving my car off the overpass just to make the crying go away. I thought about crawling in the backseat and smothering Sam. I thought about getting out of my van and walking away. I honestly frightened myself with these thoughts. And I know I frightened Maddie with my actions. I can’t begin to describe the amount of shame I felt after I calmed down.
Once we finally made it home at 9:30 (which is seven hours after we left for home, btw.) I sat Maddie down in her room and talked to her about what happened. I told her that I had made some bad choices; yelling at Sam, yelling at her, getting angry and hitting my steering wheel, etc. I explained that none of those things were good choices and that I was sorry I had done them and sorry I scared her. She gave me a hug and said, “It’s ok, mom. I’m just glad you’re happy again.” Dudes, I got schooled by my three and a half year old.
Donna gave me some great advice and said that this one incident doesn’t define me as a mother and I need to let it go. I think I have, mostly. I’m still very upset about the things I thought, though. What kind of mother thinks about smothering her child just to make the crying stop? Am I a danger to my children?
I’ve decided to learn some relaxation and meditation techniques. I’ve learned that noise is the trigger for my Very Dark Place, so I ought to be able to find something that helps me deal with noise without going psychotic. If I can’t find it on my own, then I’m going to see a therapist. This shit just ain’t right.
test Filed under confessional | Comments (11)11 Responses to “A Very Dark Place”
Sadly, I think we’ve all been there to one degree or another. The important thing is that you recognized it and took steps to explain to Maddie that it was not appropriate behavior.
But what you experienced in the car? Would have have cracked Al Quaida as a torture device.
I agree with Shelly. I think we’ve all been there at some point. The baby crying in the car + traffic sounds like a special kind of HELL. 2 of my boys absolutely abhored the car seat and screamed, well… a lot. I still feel bad about the trip (or possibly two) where I yelled “JUST SHUT UP!” at my baby. but, you have to forgive yourself. ((hug))
You are NOT a danger to your children. You had a bad moment and thoughts of quick ways to end the frustration, but you did not actually do them and never really would have. I do think any kind of techniques that can help you cope with stressful situations would be useful for you, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t a good mother exactly as you are right now, because you absolutely are.
Every.single.mother has been there in one form or another. This is true and I’m not just saying it to make you feel better (but I hope it does).
My admission: I have yelled the f-bomb at my baby when she wouldn’t stop crying long enough to eat and then sleep.
If there’s a mother who hasn’t been there, I don’t want to meet her. We wouldn’t be friends.
That situation in the car? The long drive and traffic alone, without the added stress of the children, would have put me over the edge with the quickness, I assure you.
I’ve been exactly where you are, and so many others have been who won’t admit it for fear that if they DO admit it, they are bad mothers. And we are not. My son slept THE ENTIRE FIRST YEAR on my chest in the recliner. He was sick, and had to be upright…so it was on me. It would be 3am and he’s screaming for hours, my husband is knocked out cold, and I’m losing it after I’ve illogically begged and pleaded and screamed for him to shut up and sleep….finally got to the point that I started walking into the bedroom sobbing, handed him the screaming kid and walked out the door and sat in the car to finish sobbing. I kept thinking I could just put the key in the ignition, put it in drive and be gone….just drive for hours…. 20 or so minutes later I was able to go in and cope again, but truly wish that someone had seen how badly I was in that Very Dark Place. And told me to get help. You are a fantastic mother for being normal, for admitting that this sucks, and for wanting to find solutions. And you are an amazing mother for apologizing to your child…she will know growing up Mommy is human, you make mistakes, and learn from you…and that is invaluable. Just keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other…and I feel your pain with the Austin traffic, I’ve done that same thing myself one too many drives….
Yep – totally been there myself too. It’s not a regular thing, it’s not even a crazy thing. It’s a situational nightmare and once you’re away from it, you know that’s all it was. I’ve done 21 eight and half hour drives with my 1 and 3 yr olds in the last 10 months. My saving grace is turning up the radio and rolling down the windows to block out the noise and shock the little punks with a blast of air. It’s better than throwing things at them.
Ditto Shelly, TOTALLY. These things happen, and I think the most important thing is how you handle the part AFTER. And you handled it beautifully.
I’m so sorry you got to the end of your rope. I have so been there too.
I had to put my head down in shame with you. I have been in this exact same spot, for even lesser things. You wonder what makes you just lose it to this degree and it all comes back to the dang hormones we carry around.
GOOD FOR YOU for wanting to make this change for you and your family. I did the same thing, but found a really great menopause multivitamin to take, that seemed to have the supplements to mellow me out, without having to take AD. My trigger is simultaneous crying/screaming for both kids at once. I can’t always have my husband there to take one away while I have a moment to realign my nerves, so sometimes I use a time out for our older child and then remove the infant and try to fast fix the noise.
Good luck and I hope the classes help. You are allowed to have your meltdowns too (in a sane safe way of course)… You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t
Oh, I have been there too. When Margot was only like 8 weeks old, she would not stop crying and I was so overwhelmed I punched the couch repeatedly and screamed STOP CRYING, FUCK!! over and over. It was ugly.
You are not alone. Hugs!