Advice

My step-sister, N, is pregnant with her first baby. She’s due sometime early March and is full of questions. I’m flattered that she thinks I’m an expert, but we all know that’s so not true. Anyhow, in an effort to be helpful, I’ve put together a little list for her. What have I forgotten?

1. You cannot have too many burp cloths. Buy as many as you think you’ll need, and then buy more.
2. A sheet saver is a wonderful thing that you will not fully appreciate until 2:00am.
3. Never, ever underestimate the power of The Swaddle. Use it and don’t feel guilty because it looks like you’ve put your baby in a straight-jacket. They love it. Trust me.
4. If you can’t breastfeed, you’re not a horrible mother. Both of my children are formula fed and aren’t dumb or riddled with disease. That being said, please give breastfeeding more than a fair chance. Get help from a lactation consultant before you leave the hospital. It seems like nursing would be easy and innate, but it’s surprisingly difficult.
5. Don’t waste money on newborn baby clothes. First of all, people love to buy tiny baby clothes and will get you more than you’ll ever need. Also, newborns grow FAST. Your baby will outgrow those clothes in the blink of an eye. Concentrate your buying efforts on 6, 9 and 12 month clothes.
6. End-of-season sales are a great way to get clothes for the next year. However, you HAVE to remember how old/what size your baby will be then. For instance, if you’re going to get some winter clothes for next year, remember that you’re going to want 9 or 12 month things. Next summer, you’ll want 12 and 18 months, etc.
7. Unless you’re planning on co-sleeping, get your baby used to sleeping in his/her crib at an early age. You’ll be grateful for it as he/she gets older. Trust me again. Also, start a bedtime routine that you’re willing to continue for a long time. Don’t get your baby used to a nightly bath if you don’t really want to commit to bathing him/her every. single. night.
8. Don’t be afraid to call the pediatrician if you’re scared or unsure. They really don’t mind and they’ve heard it all before. They’ll tell you if you need to be worried and when to bring in your baby/go to the ER. And if they tell you not to be worried but you still are, take your baby in anyway. Better safe than sorry.

Fun Fact Friday – Now with 20% more fun!

* I ran out of fancy flavored coffee creamer this week and had to resort to using Gerald’s sugar free hazelnut creamer. This has lead me to the realization that I’m only drinking coffee as a vehicle for the creamer. And caffeine. But mostly creamer. This sugar free business? LAME.

* I’ve started doing a Daily Craft with Maddie. On Tuesday, we made scary masks out of paper plates and twine. (We pretended to be bad guys from Scooby Doo.) Wednesday, we made a maraca out of a toilet paper tube and rice. Yesterday, we finger painted. I’m not sure what today’s craft will be. Suggestions?

* Preschool starts on 9/13. I’ve got a list of supplies to get and I’m SO! EXCITED! School supply shopping is my very favorite type of shopping. I have the fondest memories of looking for the absolute perfect Trapper Keeper when I was a kid. Oh, and don’t get me started on shopping for lunchboxes! Anyhow, we’re not purchasing a Trapper Keeper or a lunchbox, but I’m still excited.

* Speaking of shopping, my Not Shopping for a Year is going well. I’ve slipped a couple of times and purchased small items that aren’t necessary while grocery shopping, but no grievous transgressions. This exercise in willpower has been great for me. Once I broke the cycle of shopping as a hobby, it got super easy. I realized that I pretty much have just about everything I need which made me realize that everything else is just a want and therefore superfluous.

* One of my brick-and-mortar friends has gotten herself “involved” with some sort of MLM scheme. Normally, I’d let her have at it and keep my mouth shut, but now she only contacts me in regard to this MLM thing. I get fb messages, texts, tweets and emails about how I could make SO! MUCH! MONEY! if only I’d do this thing, too! They’re spam messages and not even addressed to me specifically. This saddens me because I feel awkward around her now. We’re supposed to get together tomorrow and I’ve got to tactfully broach the subject of “please stop sending me this crap because I’m so unbelievably not interested, ok?” And we all know that tact is not my strong suit.

* As soon as the weather turns cooler (i.e., not hot as hell), I’m going to start walking/jogging. I’ve got 15 or 20lbs that I’d like to lose. I seem to have found my happy place as far as maintaining my weight and eating what I want to. However, I’m still heavier than I want to be. I figure adding exercise will enable me to keep eating what I want to and maybe get rid of some of this weight.

* I’ve changed my template. I’m not sure why I spend hours futzing with templates when almost everyone uses Reader and doesn’t see it anyway. I guess it makes me happy to have a pretty place of my own. You know, one without toys all over the floor and sticky fingerprints on the glass.

Responsibility

I got a comment on Monday’s post stating that the reader thought I was being irresponsible in regard to going off my medication. She also stated that “The episode you had in the car while returning home from the trip was understandable but not everyone would have melted down quite so bad. It would have been worse without the meds or maybe was worse because you were stopping meds.”

Let’s talk about that, shall we? First of all, how do you know the episode would have been worse without the meds? Are you my doctor? Are you a very close personal friend and confidant? I’m assuming you answered “no” to both of those questions since I don’t know you. Therefore, you’re pretty much completely unqualified to render such a judgment.

Also, “not everyone would have melted down quite so bad?” This automatically means that I require psychiatric medication? Of course not everyone would have melted down quite so bad! And guess what? There are other people that would have melted down even worse. We all handle these things differently based on extenuating circumstances, mental health and past experience. Simply because I handled the situation poorly and engaged in inappropriate behavior does not mean that I’m irresponsible for wanting to see if I’m taking medication needlessly. If I don’t need to be medicated, but instead need behavioral therapy, then that’s what I ought to be doing. Medication does not control my behavior. I do. I will not blame my meltdown on the fact that I had lowered my Z0loft dosage.

I don’t feel it was irresponsible to wean myself off of these medications. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have started doing it and I damn sure wouldn’t have told the world at large about doing it. I thought it would be a waste of a trip to Dallas to visit the doctor, a waste of a co-pay, and a waste of her time so that she could tell me how to wean myself off the medication AGAIN (she explained how when I was first considering getting pregnant). However, my husband and some very close friends thought that it would be best to let the doctor know what was going on. No problem. I have an appointment with her tomorrow afternoon.

I appreciate comments on this blog. I even appreciate comments that express differing viewpoints. That’s part of what makes being a public diarist so fun. However, I do not appreciate blanket statements that are intended to guilt or embarrass myself or my readers. Please make a note of it. Thank you.

One day, we’ll all look back and remember that THIS was the day it all went off the rails.

I’m taking myself off of antidepressants.

I’ve started weaning myself off the Z0loft already. I was taking 150mg and dropped it down to 100mg. I’ve taken 100mg for two weeks and now I’m going to drop it to 50mg for the next two weeks and then quit. I’m not sure what to do about the W3llbuterin. Do you have to wean off that, too? I’m still at the initial dose my doctor prescribed (150mg) which is one pill a day. I guess I’ll consult Dr. Google ’bout that.

I was lying awake one night and wondering how I would know if I didn’t need them anymore. I figured the only way to tell was to stop taking them and check the state of the union, as it were. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to be taking antidepressants, but if I don’t need them then I want off.

I’ll keep you posted, but I’m pretty sure you’ll notice if Teh Crazy is still lurking around underneath the meds.

Another sappy letter to my children

Dear Maddie and Sam,

I’ve given up on writing you individual letters. I have the very best of intentions, but time is a precious commodity these days and writing one letter to you both makes more sense.

Mad, let’s start with you. You’re three and a half years old. You’ve mastered the arts of negotiation, stalling and extortion. You’re fully prepared for your teenage years or a seat in Congress.

Our life has changed pretty drastically in the last three months. Sam has disrupted our routine and thrown everything for a loop, but you’re handling it like champ. You’ve never once shown any jealousy or ill will toward Sam. You rush to see what’s wrong when he’s upset, you love to wake him up in the morning and play with him. You’re a fabulous big sister and Sam is lucky to have you.

Maddie, you’re such a wonderful girl. Sure you get on my every last nerve, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re loving, funny, insane, creative and a whirlwind of activity. You never stop moving or talking. You even talk in your sleep, baby girl. I look at you and can hardly believe that you’re the same little baby I nurtured three years ago. I had no idea that you’d grow into such an awesome little kid.

Sammy Sam, you’re pretty stinkin’ awesome, too. You’re fat and roly poly and so happy. Unless you’re not being held or entertained. Left to your own devices, you scream like you’re being tarred and feathered. Recently you’ve become incredibly verbal. There’s a real laugh about to explode out of you at any moment. I cannot wait! Maddie’s first laugh is one of my most precious memories.

You’re quite the Senor Kickypants these days. Your little legs are hardly ever still. You’ve discovered your hands and watch them so intently that you go cross-eyed. Which is adorable and creepy at the same time. Anytime someone makes eye contact with you, you smile your huge, wet grin at them. Your eyes crinkle with delight when you see me over your crib rail for night feedings. It almost makes up for the fact that you wake me up WAY TOO OFTEN to eat at night. ALMOST.

You two are the most frustrating, crazy-making, delightful, wonderful people in the world. I love you more than you’ll ever know.

Love,
Mama

Misty Eyed

Thank you all for your sympathetic and empathetic comments on my last post. I wrote it hoping for catharsis so I could let it go (it worked, fyi) and ended up feeling so much closer to my tribe of readers.

That got me thinking about how great this whole blogging gig is. I know so many of you that I’d never have the opportunity to know in my real life. I’d never know so much about you, nor you about me, if we didn’t share this desire to publicly recount our exploits. If I was 10 or 15 years older I wouldn’t be anxiously awaiting the arrival of Baby Jess/Torsten. I wouldn’t have fallen hopelessly in love with Temerity Jane over the Craigslist ad for her fridge. I wouldn’t know about Port and Cheez-Its being a delightful combination if it wasn’t for Alice. I wouldn’t have such awesome Besties like Donna and Shelly. (I’d still have Becky, though. Thank gawd.) I wouldn’t laugh at Swistle’s posts that are so insightful and funny. I wouldn’t think daily about how right The New Girl was about how hard a baby and a toddler are together. I wouldn’t be able to watch everyone’s children get older and cuter.

So forgive me for being so misty-eyed, but I just love y’all so damn much.

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A Very Dark Place

Those of you who follow me on twitter may have noticed that I took both kids down south to see the in-laws. I took them on what is supposed to be a 4.5 hour road trip BY MYSELF.

I’m going to pause here and let the horror of that sentence sink in.

Have you imagined it, yet? Picture having to stop every 30 minutes to feed Sam or take Maddie to the bathroom at some skeezy gas station or smelly rest stop. Picture the trip down there taking 6.5 hours instead of the normal 4.5.

Horrifying, yes?

Once we got there I was supposed to bunk with Maddie. I haven’t slept in a bed with her since she was four months old. And that was only for one night. Let me tell you that sleeping with a preschooler is pure, unadulterated hell. First of all, she was so excited about our “sleepover” that she kept me up half the night wanting to chat. When she did sleep, she was practically horizontal across the bed and kicking me with her evil little feet. On the second night, I woke up to find her draped across me. LITERALLY draped across me, people. And let’s not forget the waking up at 5am declaring it Morning Time! and Let’s Get Up, Mom!

After two nights of this, I borrowed an air mattress and Sam and I slept in the living room. This meant that Mad got a good night’s sleep. But me and Sam? Not so much. He started teething and running a fever and generally being a total pain in my ass typical three month old who’s routine is shot to hell. I decided to cut the trip short a day and just get everyone home already.

We left at 2:00 on Thursday afternoon and headed home. Again, this is a 4.5 hour trip, normally. Half of the trip is on small two-lane highways in the hill country. It’s a very pretty drive, but pretty sparsely populated. I decided to go through Austin, instead, so that there’d be places to stop if Mad had to pee or if I needed to feed Sam.

This was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

I ended up in Austin at 4:00. Those of you who’ve never driven in Austin’s rush hour have no idea of the absolute hell that the previous sentence implies. And for that you should be eternally grateful. It took me TWO HOURS to get across town. The majority of the time was spent stopped on the highway and then on an overpass to get to another highway. Sam spent the ENTIRE TIME screaming. I’m not exaggerating one tiny bit.

I went to a Very Dark Place in those two hours, guys. I pounded the steering wheel in impotent rage, I yelled at my baby to “shut up, damn it!” I yelled at Maddie when she got scared and questioned my behavior. I bawled like a baby myself. I’d like to blame lack of sleep, but I know that’s not all it was.

I also thought about driving my car off the overpass just to make the crying go away. I thought about crawling in the backseat and smothering Sam. I thought about getting out of my van and walking away. I honestly frightened myself with these thoughts. And I know I frightened Maddie with my actions. I can’t begin to describe the amount of shame I felt after I calmed down.

Once we finally made it home at 9:30 (which is seven hours after we left for home, btw.) I sat Maddie down in her room and talked to her about what happened. I told her that I had made some bad choices; yelling at Sam, yelling at her, getting angry and hitting my steering wheel, etc. I explained that none of those things were good choices and that I was sorry I had done them and sorry I scared her. She gave me a hug and said, “It’s ok, mom. I’m just glad you’re happy again.” Dudes, I got schooled by my three and a half year old.

Donna gave me some great advice and said that this one incident doesn’t define me as a mother and I need to let it go. I think I have, mostly. I’m still very upset about the things I thought, though. What kind of mother thinks about smothering her child just to make the crying stop? Am I a danger to my children?

I’ve decided to learn some relaxation and meditation techniques. I’ve learned that noise is the trigger for my Very Dark Place, so I ought to be able to find something that helps me deal with noise without going psychotic. If I can’t find it on my own, then I’m going to see a therapist. This shit just ain’t right.

Bitter, with a side of sour grapes

So, yeah. BlogHer. BlogfuckingHer. Can you tell I’m still bitter about not going? I’ve got this whole “poor me!” attitude going on which has been exacerbated by some very rough days and nights with Sam.

I’ve decided to take a blog and twitter vacay for the rest of the week. I’m afraid that reading the SQUEE! posts and tweets will give me an excuse to feel worse and get even more bitter.

I’d love to be the bigger person and be super happy for my friends that are going, but all I can think of is how I’m NOT going and I’m going to be STUCK with this kid that refuses to sleep or be separated from me for 30 seconds and how utterly beat-down sleep problems make me feel.

I’m not proud of this attitude. I hope I’ll get over it posthaste.

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