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Unexpected
May 22nd, 2010
I’m basically an only child, and so is Gerald. This means we have no concept of having a sibling or how to best facilitate Maddie and Sam’s relationship. I read some articles online and we had a plan for when Maddie met Sam in the hospital and for when we brought him home. For some reason, I really didn’t think any further than that.
D’oh.
I was woefully unprepared for Maddie’s acting out for attention. And not just anyone’s attention. Mine. I thought with her dad and her Nana here to lavish her with attention that she’d gravitate toward them instead of being such a mama’s girl. I honestly thought this would be when she turned into the famous southern “daddy’s girl.”
Negatory.
Sitting in the living room with her father and grandmother, she will scream for me to come and help her with something. She follows me everywhere. She’s not listening and being kind of bratty. I’ve made lots of time to spend with her one-on-one, but I get so frustrated with her constant acting out. I feel like I spend the whole time fussing at her and I HATE it.
I’m smack in the middle of postpartum hormone hell and it all seems to be directed at my precious little girl. I’m head over heels in love with Sam and marvel at how EASY it is to take care of him. Sure, I’m up every two hours at night, but I can make him happy. He’s not bossing me around or talking to his elders with a snotty-ass tone of voice or blatantly disregarding rules. I don’t want to prefer one child over the other, damn it. I want Maddie to feel secure and loved and included. I have no idea what to do to help this. We let her hold and feed Sam whenever she wants to. I offer to play with her and take her on errands just the two of us. Nothing seems to curb her desire for more attention and negative attention at that.
Those of you with more than one child, can you PLEASE give me some advice? I’m drowning over here.
test Filed under confessional, maddie | Comments (16)16 Responses to “Unexpected”
OH, no time to write a real reply (hello! two children!) but I just wanted to say this: it’s totally natural, not much you can do about it. We did what it sounds like you’re doing: try not to give her much attention for anything negative (ignore as much as possible) and then when she’s being even remotely pleasant, give her lots of attention.
Other than that, I don’t think there’s much we can do. Z still struggles with her sister from time to time (usually after E has had a big developmental leap, like NOW that she’s walking) and I think that’s just the way it goes.
This challenge is part of why I wanted to have more than one kid. Both Z and Maddie will learn that they are not the center of the universe all the time. Unfortunately, it’s not always a pleasant or easy process for any of us!
Good luck (to us both!).
I don’t have any personal advice to offer. Maybe this Amalah advice smackdown will help?
http://alphamom.com/pregnancy/when-new-babies-meet-the-first-babies/
Well, I only have one child, but I wanted to give you a hug. Hang in there. This is normal. It sounds to me like you’re doing all the right things trying to make the transition smoother for her. She’ll come around. Keep involving her as much as possible. And when she’s willing, she’ll really appreciate a little one-on-one time alone with you. You’re a great mom, Erica!
I can only say what my SIL did when her second daughter was born and that is to remind Maddie throughout the day that you love her so much and that your special time is coming up, and you can’t wait to do blah blah blah with her. SIL also used to have good conversations about stuff like her feelings about new little sister in the rocking chair at night before bed. Maddie may not be able to express why she acts the way she does, but she does understand your words to her. And it is always good to tell her that you still love her as much as ever and still think she’s the bee’s knees.
Hang in there. This is a transition for all of you and it will get better. I love you all!
This won’t ever stop,but you are on the right track with what you are doing. Invite her to help with him, maybe have a day a week where you go out the two of you for a donut or a cookie and a trip to the park. Girls are infinitely full of demands and hormonal outbursts… So think of your postpartum woes and understand she very nearly is going through the same thing, just at a lesser degree.
I have a girl and a boy and the boy is a CAKEWALK, as long as you understand that if it has wheels, he must posses it, push it over and spin the wheels. Save up for your Hot Wheels collection now.
I have 4 kiddos and in addition to spending one on one time with them I remind them how much I love their big kid actions. For instance, ” I love how you can put on your clothes all by yourself, Maddie. See how I have to get Sam dressed. And he can’t even put is arm into his sleeve like you can!”. Or ” Maddie see how I have to carry Sam around. His legs don’t work like a big kid’s like yours do.”.
Also, my kids always liked hearing about when they were babies and what they did then and what they can do now. I just really put the focus on how grown up they were and pleased I was about it. Try to get her involved in Sam’s care (like which outfit he should wear, which blanket to wrap him up in, etc). I found my kids didn’t really like being the runners (“fetch me a diaper), but liked to be decision makers.
Remember of course that she’s transitioning too and as another person posted that she might not be able to articulate what exactly is going on with her. Just keep doing what you’re doing and it will pass soon. Best of luck!
This is absolutely, totally, completely normal. I really (REALLY REALLY) did not like my twins when I had my 3rd baby. I was prepared to feel that way for awhile (I thought maybe a day or two), but I felt that way for… weeks. I just… couldn’t STAND them. Plus, they were so bouncy/jumpy/wild and I didn’t want them to pounce on my Csection wound, and BAHHH.
I had to have my husband take them out of the house on many occasions because I simply couldn’t handle one more minute of them. Or I’d shut the door to my room (with me and baby inside) and he would be in charge of keeping them away.
I did fall in love with them again… I actually remember the moment it happened. But it took a long time, and I felt horrible about it. Since then I’ve talked to many mothers who also experienced this same thing.
Also, I recently read an article about how a mother’s hormones after giving birth really only allow her to love the baby, pushing others- including older children- away, so that the crucial bonding with the baby happens.
See? BIOLOGICALLY PROGRAMMED to think our oldest child(ren) suck!
It’ll get better. Until then, take lots of breaks from her!
Also, I really wouldn’t worry about the bond between the two of them. It’ll happen, naturally and slowly, over time.
Would it help to think of this time as “Survival Mode”? That always took some pressure off me.
I remember really wishing I could freeze my older daughter Emily in a cryochamber for about 3 or 4 months, just so I could get some one on one with baby Aiden.
It’s a transition period with new rules and a new mom on top of the new brother and there’s no way out but through. I recommend stocking up on some movies and not being too hard on yourself when you lash out at her, because you’re all under some stress. When you aren’t as plagued as much by hormonal crashes, which should be the case within another week or so, start really forcing yourself to be patient but firm. Teach her the new rules of the household, namely that your time is divided by more than 1/2 and she’ll have to relearn when and how to interact with mom.
You’re already doing the right thing with letting her participate with the little sibling as much as possible. As soon as I was able, I started a standard bedtime routine with JUST my daughter, so at least she could count on that. Little by little we did more routine things with just the two of us, even if it was 5 minutes here or there. We did that mostly when Aiden was sleeping, like I’d put him to bed and we’d go read a book or go water the garden or whateve.r When we were back on our feet a little bit more, my husband and I alternated once in a while taking some ‘special time’ with just E, where we’d go get ice cream just the two of us or go look at books (she likes this) or play in the community fountain.
It’s going to take some time. Like, months. But it does get better incrementally in that time.
You’ve already gotten lots of good advice, so forgive me if I repeat some of it. The one on one time is good, even if you think it’s not helping it probably is. My kids liked to feel “big” – i.e. can you get Mama that towel? Will you be a big helper and bring Mama the telephone/diaper/whatever. Can you throw this in the trash for me? – and then make a big ass deal about what a big helper they are and how babies are a lot of work and big kids are so much help and the baby loves her you love her and etc etc.
One thing I learned the hard way was not to give in TOO much, I’d cut the kids some slack but basic rules still applied. That saying about give ‘em an inch and they’ll take a mile is oh. so. true. and kids definitely know when you are stressed and try to work it.
All my kids have come through it unscathed and Maddie will too. ((hug)) I know it super sucks right now, but over time it will get better and time might be the only thing that helps.
A friend gave me some really good advice, she said to point out several times a day what the older child can do that the baby can’t do. “I’m sorry Sam, you’re too little to have a chocolate treat. Maddie is a big girl so she can have it, but you’re just a tiny baby, you can’t have this yet, all you get to have is milk. Someday when you are older Maddie might share with you.” “Sorry Sam, you can’t play with Gramma or Daddy, you just have to sleep in your crib.” It worked really well with my girls. And soon, they joined in but promised to share whatever they had with their brother when he was old enough.
Also, my girls LOVE to look at photo albums of when they were the age of their brother. We look at them together while I nurse him and I point out how look, here I am feeding you and playing with you on your playmat and doing all the things I have to do for your brother. I did it for you too! Now I have to do it for him. Will you help me?
Hang in there! Her whole world is turned upside down and she needs her Mom to help her get her bearings. She will figure it out and you will be so impressed by how she does. It will be fun for you and your husband to see the sibling relationship as it progresses.
Looks like you’ve gotten a lot of good advice. I’m dreading these days that I know are coming – already I see it and the baby isn’t here yet! Hang in there!
All I can tell you is more of the same: it’s SO NORMAL to feel like you kinda don’t like your older child right now, just as she most needs you to reassure her that OF COURSE you like her just as much as the baby. It’s major suckitude, but once you know what you’re up against, you just gotta put your head down and plow through it. And know that it really will end in a few weeks and then it’ll be fine.
Actually, you’re kinda lucky she’s doing it right now and getting it over with. My daughter seemed fine for a month straight, so we were all, “Hey! Guess we skipped that particular phase of misery!” And then when Eli was two months old it was like she all of a sudden realized he was STAYING and that her world really was altered, and she went batshit on us for about a month. There’s not much you can do other than stay consistent about the rules, but give out as much praise, cuddling, and attention as you can otherwise.
And PS, I’m SO DREADING this phase when Eli gets dethroned as the baby come October, so don’t think I’m trivializing the suck of this phase. It’s the thing I’m fearing the most, maybe even more than postpartum depression or chaotic messy house or constant nursing. Addy was way more independent and much less physical than he is- he is such a cuddler and so fond of his BABY status that I fear for his poor mental health when he becomes a big brother.
I would so like to give some excellent advice but I have none! Only empathy.
The only thing I can say is that it’s totally normal, this acting out and regression. It passes. Just be patient with her. I consulted the advice of the Mini’s speech and ed therapists when my daughter was born last year. He was 26.5 months. They told me at that age, they knew no difference between positive and negative attention, only attention (so if your patience wears out, they won’t remember, even if you feel guilty). I know it doesn’t help, but eventually (and more quickly than you think), they do get over it and realize that their siblings are here to stay and they learn to like the little tykes (that is, until the younger ones start getting into all of their stuff), and then they don’t remember what life was like as an only. Although, my son is the same age as your daughter, so he was a year younger when my daughter was born. By this time next year, they’ll be playing together (sometimes) and this time will all be a blur.