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Involved
April 19th, 2010
As a general rule, we are not Involved People. We’re pretty much homebodies and are content to exist in our little bubble of family togetherness. Neither one of us has very many brick and mortar friends that live close by. We’re very close to our extended families, but most of them live hours and hours away.
Suddenly, Not Involved has started to feel a lot more like Isolated and Alone.
Being a SAHM is lonely. Maddie’s great company, but we get sick of the sight of each other after a few days alone. It’s clear that we both need friends and to Be Involved. However, I haven’t the faintest idea how to do this.
There’s a local (surrounding three small towns) Meet Up group that I’ve joined in the past, but it didn’t really work out. First of all, I’m not like the typical, local small town moms. I always felt like I didn’t fit in. Also, most of the activities the group planned cost money that we don’t have to spend. I’m willing to try the group again, but I’m not very hopeful. I just want some moms to meet us at the park where our kids can play and we can chat. I want to trade babysitting a couple evenings a month. I want someone to call and say “Hey, let’s go to the zoo today!” I want… friends.
Part of the problem is that it’s hard to Be Involved in my town without school-aged children. We don’t attend a church in town, have a kid in school or community sports. How in the hell am I supposed to meet people? We don’t know any of our neighbors, either. Although, I did meet a couple and their kids that live on the other side of the neighborhood. They seemed really nice and even invited us to their kid’s birthday party later this summer, but I was totally clueless on how to further the relationship without sounding like a complete moron or stalker.
So, how do you meet people when you’re isolated? What can I do to change this? With The Boy’s arrival, I’m afraid that my feelings of isolation will quickly grow into full-fledged crazy and that always puts a damper on making friends. Unless you’re after crazy friends, I guess.
test Filed under confessional, where do I come up with this stuff? | Comments (11)11 Responses to “Involved”
Try going to local park with Maddie and Baby. Everyone will want a peek at baby. Maybe, you will find someone you have something in common with. Also, Maddie will search out children her own age. Maybe this won’t happen quickly but it will happen. Strike up a kid friendly conversation with the person this child is with. Set up another time to come to park to let kids play together.
You really need to get Maddie involved in a church. If this is not an option, I’m sorry. Church’s are a great way to meet people. Also, a great place to have your child get accustomed to structure. If one church doesn’t work out, try another. Eventually, a church will reach out to your family.
Does your library have programs? Take Maddie to the kids programs. Go to adult programs when Gerald can babysit. Most of this stuff is free.
I totally agree you need to have some friends. Let me know how you make out. Judy
I know this feeling too, being new to Denver. I keep telling myself that when we have kids it will be easier to meet people. Maybe it would be worth attending some expecting moms kind of things, even though you’ve been through this before? Like I know you said your ideal childbirth would be natural, so maybe you could go to a natural childbirth class, or a Bradley or Hypnobabies class, and meet some people there? You would obviously have something in common and then maybe down the line that could turn into some playdates and future friends for both you and The Boy.
Good luck!
We’re pretty much the same way. We have one set of neighborhood friends, and we desperately need more options. I have a lot of friends who I can arrange to meet for dinner or something, but it’s always an effort on both our parts just to make contact & arrange a date. J’s been doing a LOT better since he started officiating sports, and if you were to ask him for advice it would be the first thing he told you to do. In fact, it wouldn’t even matter what you were asking advice about – making friends, alleviating boredom, achieving world peace. All can be solved through Sports Officiation, it seems.
If you already got invited to a later-this-summer birthday party, it shouldn’t be too much of a stretch to arrange a playdate between now & then, right? I don’t know how that works, obv. But it seems like it would be a logical next step that wouldn’t make you seem like you were overbearing or anything.
Balls.
Well, as someone who feels the desire to leap headfirst off the nearest bridge at the mere MENTION of a group anything, I am probably the wrong person to comment here, but somehow I keep getting friends despite my antisocial tendencies. It does all seem to center around kids though. One of my kids will make a friend whose mother I can tolerate, and voila! – new friend. I’ve even gone so far as to tell them up front that I don’t really DO friends, and yet they persist. If you can hang in there a little longer until Maddie is in preschool, you will be fighting friends off with a stick. Good luck!
Do you have a MOMS Club in your area? http://www.momsclub.org/ They have a listing of chapters on the site, but not all chapters are listed, so you can email and find out if there’s one where you live. I LOVE my MOMS club, in fact I’m the president of my chapter this year. I joined when B was three months old and now have local mom friends. Every club is different, but we tend to go heavy on the FREE activities on our calendar. We also have a book club through our club that gives me non-kid time.
Also, I’m not sure if you’re church-y, but I just joined a moms group at my church this year. The moms meet, have breakfast and a speaker while the kids are taken care of by someone else (but babies can stay with the moms.) It’s a nice time to talk to other moms and get your kid good and worn out. MOPS is a good program, but plenty of churches have groups that are similar but not MOPS affiliated.
I love our local meetup group, but we do TONS of things that are free. Maybe you could re-join and suggest meetups at parks and other free places. There are probably other moms that also don’t want to/have the money to blow on play dates.
Chances are that if you put yourself out there enough you will click with someone eventually. It was really hard for me to do that, at first, but now I’m glad I did!
It seems like now that Emily is 3 there are more opportunities via pre-school. Does your daughter attend preschool? Suddenly at 3, everyone wants to have a really big birthday party so we’ve been to about half a dozen in the last few months, and it’s the same moms and dads at all of them, so we chat there.
And then one day, Emily came home and said she wanted to play with X and Y friends from school, so I made little notes for the parents and taped them to the childrens’ school cubbies that said something silly like “Emily would like X to come over and play. If X is willing, please give me a call at —”. And those playdates have gone well, and apparently other people have done them too through school.
Other ideas are bunco groups (or spades, or go fish or whatever) or mommy and me book clubs, or something like that.
It is really hard to meet people, it seems, in this particular life stage that we’re in. With the arrival of my #2, I felt like I had zero time for a while to acquire new friends, and it is only lately that I’ve begun to crawl out of that hole a bit. I kept telling myself during that time that I WILL make new friends, but now is not the time, and I’ll have to be okay with that.
I met several of my SAHM friends through our local library, taking my girls to story time on a regular basis. Invite the neighbor that you want to get to know better over for a playdate or ask them to meet you at a park.
I would try lots of different things. When I was looking for “My People” I took the kids to story time, joined a “mommy and me” type class, went to the park, started a book club, etc. And then if I felt like I had something in common, I would invite them over. I’ve never done traditional “playdates” where they drop their kid off- *I* wanted a friend… so I’d invite them plus their child over for coffee, snacks, and playing.
I got to know a lot of people before I found my current wonderful group of friends. Just keep trying, keep looking. YOUR people will reveal themselves, eventually!
I made myself go to my local MOMS Club meeting, and in the end was a state coordinator when I finished out my role in the group. I loved my local chapter. We prided ourselves on finding the most free things we could, finding all the kids eat free days in the area, finding the half off deals for outings when we did do something that cost money. It got the point we made a concerted effort that we did only one paid event a week and spent many hours at the park, and when it got too hot went to the indoor playgrounds like McD’s or Burger King. I found women there who I am still close to like sisters, even 9 yrs later. We are all as different as day and night, but that’s why I loved it. And MOMS Club does not make you send your kids to a nursery during a meeting, they encourage your children to be with you.
I have to second what others have said, just going to the park or to the library for preschool storytime you will DEFINITELY find other moms who are in the same boat as you. Your kids gravitate to one another, and you naturally start talking, you can casually mention you’re coming back two mornings later at 9am, wanna meet us up here?
And yes, getting into church activities will provide LIMITLESS friends, things to do for free, MAJOR support for your kids and for you, and some guidance. There are so many denominations out there with services at traditional and non-traditional times, so be patient in finding a fit for your family.
I know how you feel, I have been there. I was on bed rest for four months with my kiddo, and thought I would go NUTS in isolation. I had to MAKE myself go to my MOMS Club meeting, MAKE myself go out and push through to meet moms, and very glad I stepped out of the box. I think it was nice to find out that I wasn’t the only mom who prided herself on not being a minivan-driving-soccer mom, who still goes to concerts every chance she can, and that I don’t live solely for my child, I have a name and a life, too!
Sending encouraging thoughts for you!
I’m in the same boat and NOT qualified to give advice. I am anti-social but LONELY. I want friend but cannot converse TO SAVE MY LIFE. Tis a problem.
I cling to Marie Green’s advice. I’m trying LOTS of things, joining most any group that’ll have me, hoping to meet enough people that a few of them will be “my people”. I’m not there yet but at least I’m busy and doing things!
Good luck!