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Damn and Double Damn
March 29th, 2010
So, I ended up in Labor and Delivery on Friday night with one determined little boy. There were contractions and dilation and shots and monitoring. It was very exciting.
I was admitted but I got to come home on Sunday. However, I’m now on Strict Ass MoFo Bed Rest (note: not an actual medical term). I’m allowed to go to the bathroom, spend an hour once or twice a week outside my house and that’s about it. And the best part? Since my FedEx delivery on Friday we can’t afford to pay for daycare for the girl. I’m incapable of caring for my daughter and incapable of paying for someone else to do so. Parenting FAIL of epic proportions. Our saving grace came in the form of Gerald’s mom and Aunt. They were still in town and volunteered to take Maddie back to southern Texas with them for the next two weeks. It’s a burden for them, but they’re willing to do whatever they can to help us. How lucky are we to have family like that?
Of course, I’m wrestling with a metric ass-load of guilt over this. I can’t gestate my unborn son properly, I can’t care for the child I already have, I can’t work, I can’t keep my house, etc. I feel like one big, giant fail. I miss my girl and feel so bad that I had to ship her off so that I can lay on my effing left side 95% of the day. Will she think I wanted to get rid of her in favor of the baby? Will she even care at all? I can’t decide which is worse. GAH!
Anyhow, I figure I’ll give myself a few days of pity partydom and then suck it up and do what I gots tah do. Which is, you know, nothing.
test Filed under Bed Rest 2010, knocked up, maddie | Comments (12)12 Responses to “Damn and Double Damn”
You’re doing the only thing you can do right now, m’dear… and it’s A LOT, even though it probably doesn’t feel like it.
I laid on my “effing” left side 95% of my time from Jan to April in 1980 and delivered a wonderful baby girl, who turns 30 on Thursday. Then again in 1982 I spent the entire summer inside on my left side waiting until Labor Day to have a wonderful boy. They are great friends now and then, both love me and respect me, so you are fretting and that won’t help that BP and early labor….stay still. It is the last time you’ll EVER get to. (I have been following you through BlogHer entry you did months ago.) Take care. Debbie
I feel so bad for you. I can’t imagine how hard this is. But I think you are very blessed. Thank goodness you have family who can and are willing to help. Thank goodness that little boy is staying put for a little bit longer, safe and sound inside where he belongs. It will be over soon, and what a story you’ll have to tell your kids when they’re older. Hang in there.
That sounds like hell, and you’re right- it seems like you can’t win. But in the end you’re going to have a beautiful baby boy… and as long as Maddie is with fun, loving adults, she won’t ponder the “why” of her situation either way. She’s off on an adventure, nothing more. (That’s the beauty of young children… everything is face value.)
Hang in there… you are doing the most important thing of all: growing that boy. So just keep doing it… keep growing him. Would it help to think of this time as “survival-only mode”? As in, you are doing only what you need to to survive this season, so no guilt about the extraneous things…..
I totally agree with Marie Green that Maddie is going to think she’s on a grand adventure and is going to have so much fun she won’t even think about being “shipped off.” You can probably mark that off your worry list.
As for the bed rest….it sucks, I know. I never thought I’d get tired of watching crappy tv and reading, but after about four days, I was so over it. Hang in there and try to enjoy the calm before the storm of having a newborn and a pre-schooler. It will eventually end (with a happy ending, of course) and a couple of years from now it will be just a blip of a memory.
Maddie will LOVE her time with family, as much as it sucks to be on the other end of that. I know telling you not to feel guilty isn’t really going to be effective, but this is totally out of your control and you ARE doing what you have to do.
man, that sucks. I bet Maddie thinks she’s taking an awesome vacation and is not feeling any left out feelings at all. ((hug))
The guilt of bed rest is awful. I remember feeling like such a failure that my husband was doing EVERYTHING (cooking, cleaning, wrangling a toddler, working full-time and on and on and on).
Although, it’s going to be hard–just keep telling yourself, “This is temporary. This is temporary.” Eat lots of treats. Watch as many movies as humanly possible. Try to remain sane.
You’re doing the BEST thing you can for both kids right now. M will barely remember this anyway. Don’t sweat it, just birth yourself a big healthy baby boy and all will be right with the world again.
Oh, this sucks! But it sounds like you are doing the best possible thing for your family right now, and I’m so glad you have this kind of support in place. And I’m sure that there will be no long-term resentment over this. Your kids will definitely understand that you did everything you needed to for both of their health.
Oh girl. I agree with everyone above! You are doing an amazing thing, just lying there. How many times in life can you say that? It may be the hardest thing, but it is one of the most necessary.
Bake that baby!!
The hubby’s response to my update on your unfortunate situation is have you consulted legally? Of course then our conversation was if you can’t afford daycare than legal is out and then they’ll probably have some loop hole but still NOT RIGHT. Hope that baby boy can stay put and stay healthy (the hubby himself was 2 months early BTW and survived the medical capabilities 30+ years ago so hang in there). Wishing you the best and hoping for all positives. TOTALLY understand the mother’s guilt both on the 1st kid and the 2nd kid, different reasons but still there doesn’t seem to matter how it arrives unfortunately. Email and vent as needed, not that I have any clue but venting always helps, right? XOXO