Since I’ve been back at work, there’s been some significant changes in Maddie’s behavior. First, she’s much more involved with her dad. Previously, when it was just me and Maddie for 80% of the day, she was very much a mama’s girl. To the point of excluding Gerald and hurting his feelings. Now that I only have two hours a day with her, she’s all about her dad. While this hurts like a knife in the chest, I realize that it’s a great thing and I’m very happy that she and Gerald are getting closer.
However, the other change in her behavior is troublesome, to say the least. When I get home from work she starts acting out. She’s suddenly this terrible brat who bosses me around, talks in a hurtful tone, blatantly disregards rules and things I ask her to do. She’s an A-1 douchebag, people. She’s the kind of kid that used to make me say I’m NEVER having kids. And she’s never been like this before. Sure, she’s had trouble being a good listener, but nothing like this.
Gerald picks her up from daycare at 2:00 and I get home around 5:00. For those three hours with her dad she’s her normal, charming self. I get home and BAM! Instant bratzilla. So, I spend my two precious hours with her fussing and giving time-outs and threatening heinie spankings. All she gets from me is anger and frustration and all I get from her is defiance and bad behavior. What gives? Is she acting out because she’s upset in the change in our normal routine? Is she picking up these behaviors from other kids and testing them out on me? Or, is it because I allow it, as Gerald is apt to believe? He thinks if I crack down on the behavior for a few days that she’ll stop. But it breaks my heart to spend all my time with her being a disciplinarian. I miss her snuggling with me to watch a little TV before bed. I miss her wanting to play with me. I miss liking her.
Have any of you ever dealt with this? Can you shed some light? Offer some assvice? Send me chocolate? Anything at all?
Yep, she’s just acting out because of the change and her need for your attention. I think the answer is a combination of your idea and Gerald’s idea. She can’t get away with the behavior so yes, it sucks to give time outs and punishment but if you can catch her in a sweet moment, or even if you have to force her into your lap, I’d have a heart to heart with her and explain that you love her and that you hate not having as much time together blah blah blah. She may not respond like she’s gotten it, but I bet she’ll get your message. She just needs some time to adjust and maybe a little extra attention.
Good luck!
Sounds like acting out, for sure. Maybe some over-the-top positive reinforcement for good behavior would help? Seems to work with L. when he’s in one of his moods. Hope it gets better soon!
This just sounds like typical 3 year old behavior to me. It started with Zachariah shortly before he turned 3 (and it hasn’t completely gone away yet – BLAH!). There is the talking back, not listening, and on and on the list goes.
It is a bit strange that Maddie is only doing that during the time you’re home, but that could just be coincidence. When Zachariah is particularly bad (like now after we were at Grandma’s house for a long Christmas break), we have to really crack down for a while. He always is more bratty coming home, so we lay down the law for a week or so. Tolerating nothing for a while seems to do the trick. Then he behaves a bit better, and we can let up for a while too.
Good luck! It would suck for this to be that way your only time with her is.
What’s wrong with coming home, loving her so BIG she can hardly stand it?! Ask her how she feels while you’re at work. LISTEN. Even a 3 year old can articulate their feelings. Listen, listen, listen. Love, love, love. THEN, tell her it’s all going to be okay.
Always feel like children need to be loved and listened to first. Discipline is ever secondary. “Punishing” her because she is learning to deal with Mommy going to work is hardly fair. Well? You asked! xoxo
OK, I don’t have kids so maybe I’m not an expert here, but it sounds to me like she’s acting out to ensure that she has your attention, since she sees you so much less than before. So, maybe the thing to do is just completely ignore her when she acts like this, and shower her with loving attention when she acts normal? I have no idea if it would work but maybe it’s worth a shot.
Good luck!
I read somewhere that when children do this it’s because they feel “safe” to have a meltdown, etc with that person (you). Sheball of a sudden has to be on her best behavior with Gerald and at daycare, so when she finally gets to you, she can let it all out. It’s a compliment because it means she trusts you the most. But a huge pain in the ass.
My $.02
I think the best plan of action is deep breaths and time. She’s been through a big change, maybe even a happy, good change, but still. She’s mad at you for not being around more. She’ll adjust and settle. In the meantime, try to remember that *rewards* and positives work better than negatives. I’d try to praise her, snuggle her etc for any good behavior and ignore the rest.
Well, actually, I’d probably be a drinking, sobbing mess. So you know, either way.
Good luck! I really hope it resolves soon.
I’ve heard they test the one they love the most. Along the same lines of a child who is a nightmare at home but an angel at school.
Do you have See’s candy in Texas? It sounds like you’re in serious need of a Scotchmallow. Just say the word and it’s in the mail.
This sounds like pretty standard 3-yr-old behavior to me, and also pretty typical for that time of DAY, if that makes sense. I think in particular kids who go to daycare tend to melt down more in the 5-8 hours.
This is really hard, and also a really common WOH mom complaint, I think. It’s really unfair to feel like we only spend the WORST part of our kids’ day with them.
OK, we sometimes experience similar issues with our 18 month old. He’s an angel at daycare and then melts down at home. I read that it’s because he feels “safe” around us and lets out all his emotions from the day. Sooo, maybe she’s holding everything in and then lets everything out for you and you only.
Yep. I agree with pretty much everyone else. Standard behavior. Give her tons of attention for EVERYTHING good you can think of (I’m talking crazy ANYTHING remotely positive she is doing: “Oh Honey! I see you walking toward me! I’m happy to see you!”) and then ignoring the rest with a “Mommy doesn’t respond to whining/tantrums/screaming/etc.. When you’re calm, I’d love to talk to you.” and walking away. As soon as she calms down, give her attention.
Well, that’s my assvice. Zoe had a hard time transitioning back to school after the break and we’ve had to go back to a LOT of ignoring the bad stuff (“Don’t engage the beast” is our motto) and giving attention for anything remotely positive she does.
It’s the stale candy syndrome. Kids would rather have fresh candy (positive attention), but will take stale candy (attention from poor behavior guaranteed to get your attention) if that’s all they think is available.
Positive reinforcement for good attitude, ignore when the attitude sucks. For my money, there’s no way to give any kind of attention to bad behavior without reinforcing that the action creates the result she’s looking for.
I used to come home, change clothes and sit with the boys and read a book or talk about THEIR day (when they were old enough to share). If they acted up, and they did at first, I closed the book and went on about my business. Of course, they’d follow me around, whining and bitching. I acted like I didn’t hear them until they changed their tone of voice. Took a few times before they understood that the bad behavior got them NO ATTENTION from me at all.
Kids are smart. They learn fast. Unfortunately, they learn the bad just as fast as the good. You’ll figure it out! And this is the perfect time to get a routine like this started, before the baby come, you know?
She may be doing it in part because she sees other kids in her daycare class (assuming a group sitch?) act that way.
Otherwise, it’s a phase, and there’s no other way to go then to be consistent with the consequences, and as calm and upbeat about it as possible. She may just be stressed a bit from the change and waits to let her hair down until you arrive. It’s kind of flattering, in a way.
In any case, I’m right there with you. My daughter goes through cycles of this, it seems like.
This sounds like the perfect storm, Erica – new baby on the way, major change in routine, BEING THREE YEARS OLD….
I tend to agree with other posters that being consistent with consequences for bad behavior, an extra hug or two and a deep breath will help things along. I completely understand how you described feeling though – I have been there!
Along the not so helpful advice line, my daughter was superbrat for most of the threes, but I kid you not one day we woke up and it was like a switch had flipped and she starting acting like a normal human being. It will get better….hang in there!!
That brings back some memories. When my kids were little they went through stages of brattiness. I usually gave them time outs. They had to sit on a special chair in the kitchen and I would turn the oven timer on. To be honest, some times it worked and sometimes it didn’t. I also admit to a few spankings here and there…that of course hurt me more than them.
She really is at that age when talking is becoming so normal that experimenting with just what she can say and get away with is always worth a try. I think letting her know what is permissable and what is not will just help her form her everyday life behaviours.
Good luck! She will grow out of it and before you know it she’ll be a teenager!
I totally agree with Jess. As hard as it is to do, ignoring the behavior seems to work best for the mamas. The Dads get to be the “big bad wolves,” confront the behavior, and get excellent results from it. Yet another penis and vagina difference that we have to experience in life. My boy starting lashing out when he went to school and spent whole days away from me. He was learning from the other kids how to be a douche-bag to adults and thought he could do it at home with us. Hubby put a stop to it (when it pertained to him and our boy) within 2 days. Because my son and I have the same temper, we’re still fighting it out. BUT, it recently got worse with the announcement of our next arrival. Now, to curb my hormones and not get too upset, I ignore him. Completely. By the second hour that he’s home, he calms his ass down and starts with the kisses. Kids, like all other human beings, hate to be ignored.
Have you tried spending some “girl time” with her after you get home? Pick an activity/game/etc. that you both enjoy and make it your giggly girl time as soon as you get home. A good 15-30 minutes of just the two of you. That way she gets some undivided mommy attention right away and then the rest of the evening should go peacefully.
I think it’s a combination of acting out (reacting to schedule change,) normal developmental behavior and the IMPENDING change…I’m sure she’s feeling it on some level. I know my kid did. I think putting out some empathy might help (on a weekend day when things are calm, or after a time out, etc), that you know it’s hard to have mommy gone so much, that it’s hard to have things change and you know it. That kind of thing helped my girl after her brother was born. To be able to verbalize that sometimes it sucks to have a little brother and that it’s okay to say it and feel it, seemed to do her good. Just a thought.
Oh, and I agree that you have to stay with the discipline program. There is testing to see if you will and if you do stay with it, it will be easier and better for Maddie in the long run.