I need a plan. Or drugs. Possibly both.
As I recently twittered, today was one of those days when I repeatedly wondered if there was an age cut-off for dropping your baby off at the fire department. Maddie was a terrible listener and I grouchy as hell. It was a combination of nuclear holocaust proportions.
Over the last month or so, I’ve noticed that Maddie’s getting more and more douchbaggy and I’m getting less and less tolerant patient mentally stable. I’m on the edge of snapping all the damn time. I’d say something about how this makes me feel like a horrible mother, but know I’m not. I don’t abuse her in any way and all her needs are met. However, I am not a very loving mother on these days. I feel very guilty and frequently punish myself with thoughts of something happening to her and having to live with the guilt over fussing at her forever.
The problem is that she’s almost three which is prime douchebag time (second only to 15, I think) and I’m pregnant. I can’t for the life of me figure out what to do. It’s not as though I can change either condition. I’m trying to concentrate on my behavior and reactions to her, but DAYUM it’s hard. I don’t remember being so angry and short-tempered when I was pregnant with Maddie. I was an emotional wreck, but it was more of the “weepy” and “woe is me” variety. Now I’m knee-deep in “leave me alone for five minutes already, for crying out loud!” It almost feels like my Z0l0ft has stopped working, but I don’t want to have the doctor raise my dosage while I’m pregnant. I’m already worried about how what I’m currently taking is going to affect the baby in the long term. I’m grasping at straws trying to find a magic solution.
I think going back to work will be a big help. I’m afraid not cut out to be a full-time stay at home mom. This terrifies me because it’s our plan for me to stay home permanently when the new baby’s born. I know that something has to change. I can’t keep doing things the same old way and expecting Maddie and I to be happy. I think I need more time with grown-ups and Maddie needs more time with other kids. We can’t continue to be each other’s sole source of entertainment/stimulation.
Any other moms out there have some advice? I’ll settle for empathy, if you’ve got that.
Filed under: complaining, happy pills, maddie, sahm
First off, be kind to yourself. When you were pregnant with Maddie you didn’t have a TODDLER yammering at you 18 hours a day. It is hard, and I have to tell you that when Bridget was about the same age (almost three) I felt the same way all the time. But the good news? It got better. She’s still not a perfect angel, nor do I expect her to be, but my messages seem to have gotten through a little bit. We talk about choices in behavior. We still have our days where I want to sell her to gypsies, but I do see improvement.
You are doing a GREAT job with her, whether you feel like it or not. So if you need some time to yourself, who cares if she watches a little extra TV that day, or you let her draw with chalk on the back patio while you read a trashy magazine? You are not perfect, and no one expects you to be.
1 bitchy mcbitchesalot said this (November 27, 2009 at 11:36 am)
My suggestion is totally to be an armchair parent for awhile. It’s not the end of the world, you’re not a trained preschool teacher, and there’s no rule that being a parent must equal entertaining and educationally stimulating your kid every minute that you’re with them. If I’m having a short tempered day, I try very hard to… well, to avoid my kids. That SOUNDS awful, but in actual fact I end up being much nicer to them during the times we are interacting because of all the time I spent alone, HIDING. And not just hiding on the computer or in the bathroom. I mean, I’m usually cleaning or cooking or something, but it’s stuff that maybe wouldn’t be so pressing if I weren’t feeling such a need to escape the kids lest I bite their heads off every five minutes.
I think these days are just fine, and better for everyone than us being at each other’s throats all the time. Some days are great for bonding, and some days are great from learning to entertain oneself and learning to appreciate solitude!
You know, in safe, child proofed areas, obv.
2 Sarah said this (November 27, 2009 at 1:46 pm)
Being pregnant when you have other kids is a WHOLE different ball game. I’ve had to hide in the car, in the garage, just to keep from totally losing it. Playdates with other kids are a huge help. Also, the older two have learned to play independently a portion of the time and that is a life saver!! Also, 4 is a LOT better than 3.
3 Devan said this (November 27, 2009 at 2:12 pm)
Well, I do think the reason you are feeling so different this pregnancy is BECAUSE you have Maddie. Last time, you didn’t have someone hanging on you/whining at you ETC all day… I also think 3 year olds suck. Additionally, I think it takes a REALLY REALLY (REALLY!) long time for some people to learn to enjoy being home. If after the baby comes, you still believe that being at home is what’s best for your family, give yourself LOTS OF TIME to adjust.
The things that make staying home enjoyable for me are: 1) something nearly every weekday morning to get out of the house for. We do a playdate one day, mommy-n-me another, library story time another, and shopping errands on another. Weeks when any of those things are canceled, we end up lounging around the house waaaaaaay too much and driving each other CAH-razy.
2) For me, having my (super part-time) job 1-2 nights a week was also a lifesaver. It gave me a chance to get out ALONE, to use my brain, to interact in the “adult world” in a professional manner. ALSO, and this is key, it made David step up and take charge a couple times a week. He WILL ALWAYS be better at bedtime routine that me, simply because he does it alone a couple times a week.
3) I do think that having two 3 year olds is often EASIER than just one 3 year old. My daughter is so much happier when she has a pal over, and I can get so much more done (um. like sitting on the computer!).
In any case, hang in there! And if you find out the answer to the fire-station question, please share. Could be VERY VALUABLE to all of us! =)
4 Marie Green said this (November 27, 2009 at 2:47 pm)
Ooo, I can give empathy!
And also, permanent is such an unpleasant word. Probably your plan is to stay at home until you can reasonably go back to work? Which could be when Younger Child is in school, or in preschool. So maybe it’s only a few years of what you’re not cut out for.
5 Swistle said this (November 27, 2009 at 4:43 pm)
A schedule did wonders for Giggles when I was pregnant with The Chicken. I was so sick, but we stuck to that schedule and she seemed to be happier when she knew exactly what was coming.
I would also try to get involved in some sort of playgroup. I know, I know, that is easier said than done, but I think in the long run it will help you out. I cherished my MOPS mornings each week.
6 heather~Domestic Extraordinaire said this (November 28, 2009 at 9:43 am)
I am terrified for three if it’s worse than two. The whining, the wild mood swings, the ability to make all 39 pounds of himself go limp when I need to get him upstairs, is killing me. No advice though, other than my current method of self medicating with powdered donuts.
7 Mama Bub said this (November 28, 2009 at 3:49 pm)
You already know my feelings about 3 (or almost 3). I’m still pulling for Mexico, the cabana boys and many margaritas.
8 Shelly said this (November 28, 2009 at 5:17 pm)
Well, age 4 doesn’t change much, but what I will tell you is to get your Mommy and Maddie time in now. The first day for us has gone well but I am dealing with a profound sense of loss for my little boy and me that I was not prepared for at all. May in part be the low amount of sleep time which I’m going to go try to remedy now but seriously, though I had those same days and I’m definitely not trading in my baby girl either, I’m missing my only child days already and just being able to work on our reading, writing, going to the park or wherever else whenever we were ready, etc.
9 Meg said this (November 28, 2009 at 8:04 pm)
I’m yet to be in the 1 kid plus 1 on the way, but I can say that MissIcy (who is nearly 2) goes to day care 2 days a week while I work 2 days a week and this is GREAT! I love looking after her, and I love work as well. I know I’m not cut out to be at home full time.
10 Icy @ Individual Chic said this (November 28, 2009 at 9:15 pm)
Get out of the house! That was the biggest cure for both me and my kids. Go to the park, walk around the mall, go shopping (window if you have no money), go have an ice cream cone, sign up for a pre-preschool group, etc.
I always felt better when I left the house when I was having a day like that. Even putting a kid in a stroller and going for a walk made my day easier and better.
11 Jodi said this (November 29, 2009 at 10:40 am)
I think you need to focus on yourself a little bit here. I mean, your kid is loved, coddled, and well cared for. You’re pregnant and she’s difficult. You have to do what you have to do for yourself and it’s OK that you’re not being some sort of fantasy earth mother at every moment. In fact, there’s more and more research saying that it’s best for kids to be left alone a lot, given more time and space to play and learn to be creative and entertain themselves. So, really you’re doing both her and yourself a favor.
12 Jess said this (November 29, 2009 at 9:34 pm)
I can offer empathy. Staying at home with kids was not what I was cut out for. I did it for a year and was not happy. So we re-thought our plan and now my hubby stays at home and I work. This fits his temperment and works out for our finances, so it wound up being a win-win. For us, which is not to say that it would be a win for anyone else. Alls I’m saying is that staying home with a kid or kids is hard, yo. I have been there, and every single person who does it has my total respect. And empathy.
13 Shelly said this (November 30, 2009 at 10:27 am)
I remember being blind-sided by the grouchiness during second pregnancy. And I was working, I can’t even imagine dealing with a 3yo all day.
I would not, perhaps, make decisions about whether you are cut out to SAH based on your current state of being, because man. the bitchiness. It does recede after pregnancy is gone, although I will warn you too that your patience level in general goes down a notch when there are 2 kids needing you all the time. At least, that’s my experience. I’m looking forward to the day when they can entertain each other, although I know that’s another year or two away.
I think your instincts are right, as others have already said, about creating more space for yourself. If you can’t work then make a lot of playdates – preferably with women you like and can hold a conversation with while your daughter plays on her own. If you don’t know any women like that, join some sort of thing that does not involve you chaperoning your daughter’s every move (Gymboree = bad, for example).
14 Penny said this (November 30, 2009 at 5:34 pm)
Pineapple is nowhere near 3 yet – but she can be a TOTAL pain in the ass! She’s grumpy and has all of these emotions and outbursts that I have not approved and do not approve of! Darned imperfect toddler…grumble. And I too feel guilty when I’m not ‘perfectly parenting’ my child. But seriously, sometimes I just have to walk away. It’s for the best for everyone concerned. Good luck – I feel ya!
Also – when I was on maternity leave with Pineapple, there was a group of ladies that would get together each morning at a local outdoor mall and just stroll/walk with each other and their kids/babies. They would wind down afterward at the coffee shop…and I thought this was brilliant. The kids get to play – the parents get to talk (with OTHER grownups for.the.love.) and they share tips and ideas. It’s genius. If you don’t have one of these locally, I bet with all your blog superpowers, you could create one. ; ) It’s just an idea!
Wishing you well!
15 Rachael said this (December 2, 2009 at 1:19 pm)