Comments on: Shame

By: Jenna

Jenna — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:35:48 +0000

Interesting post, Erica.

I’ve struggled with the reverse! When Zoe desparately clung to baby dolls at friends’ houses, we finally had to give up and get her one. When she expressed a strong preference for dresses, I finally bought her some.

And now that she has decided that pink and purple are also her favorite colors (along with the still beloved orange and “lello”)? I am begrudgingly getting her some pink clothes as well.

Our introspection about how we react to our children and their choices is so worthwhile. She is lucky to have you for a mom.

By: Devan

Devan — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:10:42 +0000

I’d just like to add that I’m not a total idiot and it should say “OUR” up there and not are. *ahem*

By: Mommy Daisy

Mommy Daisy — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:08:15 +0000

Actions speak louder than words…or thoughts. You’re a great mom, and Maddie knows it already I’m sure.

By: Domestic Extraordinaire

Domestic Extraordinaire — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:37:14 +0000

I totally get what you are saying. Giggles was not a girlie girl. She loved dump trucks and playing in the dirt. The Chicken on the other hand would wear frilly, formal dresses just because she could. Anything pink & princessy was her friend.

Its okay to realize that you had a box you were trying to shove your daughter in, so to speak. But you have realized it and you will be the better parent because of it.

By: Swistle

Swistle — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:23:22 +0000

I think it’s normal to start with a vague outline of what you think the child might be like, just as a sort of working model, and then carve here and add here as you find out what the child IS like. As long as you’re carving and adding, I don’t think having the original outline is appalling. You weren’t ever saying “MY GIRL MUST BE THIS WAY AND NOT THAT WAY!” After all, who gave her access to all the choices she’s making? Who made it possible for her to prefer the things she prefers? You did. Just because you thought she might sometimes make other choices, or even if you’d PREFER she make other choices, it doesn’t make you a hypocrite. It makes you a person with your OWN preferences, which is fine—just as it’s fine for Maddie.

By: Marie Green

Marie Green — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 21:35:36 +0000

I agree with Devan- we all have a box that we believe, going into parenthood, that our children will fit in. Whether or not this box is gender-related, we all have to learn to just let our children BE who they are. Also, so may go through a “girlie” phase at some point. My twins have been interested in “boy” toys and then only “girl” toys at different points in their life. So don’t throw out that pink tutu yet… just when you decide to accept that your little girl is not girlie, she’ll fall in love with all things pink. Or, maybe not. Ya never know!

By: Devan

Devan — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:57:02 +0000

We all have ideas of who are children will be, and the important thing is that you recognized it and let it go.

By: Penny

Penny — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:32:07 +0000

Nah. Not a bad mother. I think when our children are born, we have kind of a vague mental picture of who they are, and sometimes this picture is allowed to come into focus slowly with the little things that kids do – starts to like soccer, proficient with paints, etc – and sometimes they come on faster than our mental focusing lens is set up for – sudden indications of intellectual ability, gender persuation, etc, and rather than a slow adjustment from the child you had in your head to the reality before you, it’s a sudden change, and with it comes, I think, some mourning for the image (however vague) you had in your head. Does that make sense?

By: Jana

Jana — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:19:04 +0000

Very well said! I agree that it is so hard to ignore my preconceived notions of what my children will like/be like. I find it even harder as they age and have opinions about things like politics and religion (gah!). That’s where I really have a hard time keeping my opinions to myself. Deep breaths and time outs for myself work wonders, though. And wine. Lots and lots of wine.

By: jen

jen — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:12:55 +0000

We all have preconcieved notions about how/who our kids will be and it is startling sometimes when they don’t fit into mold we have in our mind. I keep telling my husband that our son might not want to play sports and he just looks at me like I’m crazy. Well, not really but he can’t understand why anyone (boys or girls really) wouldn’t want to play sports.

I think what Jess said about how you are aware of this makes all the difference. So it’s not like you are running around saying “Oh you need to be a princess and wear pink and take dance because I insist” which is probably why she’s just doing whatever she likes…because you let her be herself in the first place! You might be surprised to find her only wanting to be a princess in a few years.