Shame
It’s confession time here at All Dressed Up: I’m a hypocrite. There. I said it. Er, typed it. It’s out in the open and now we can move forward, right? Oh, you want to know exactly what I’m hypocritical about?
It’s gender stereotypes. More specifically, gender stereotypes and how I see my daughter.
Maddie isn’t a girly girl. She doesn’t like playing with baby dolls or pretending to be a princess. She’d much rather be a fireman, or a robot or dinosaur. She loves Buzz Lightyear, not Jessie. She won’t play with My Little Pony. She’d rather play soccer or catch, thank you very much. While I never wanted for her to be seduced by the Evil Disney Princess Empire ™, I have to admit that I’m a little dismayed by her consistent choice to play with “boy” toys.
Mostly, I’m ashamed at my feelings about this. I always thought I was enlightened and open-minded when it came to gender. I never thought I’d have a problem at all if one of my children was gay or even transgendered. I would be supportive and non-judgmental! I would be a role model to other parents!
But it seems I’m none of those things. Apparently, I want my daughter to fit into the little girl-sized box I’ve constructed in my mind. I want her to take ballet lessons and play with make-up and let me paint her toenails pink. In short, I want her to be who I want her to be, not herself.
That’s appalling. As a mother, it’s my fervent wish for my child to be healthy, happy and well-adjusted. If being a robot makes her happy, then so what? If she wants to play soccer instead of dancing, who cares? If she’d rather have Buzz Lightyear for Christmas than Jessie, then I’ll get her Buzz Lightyear. I vow to demolish the box in my mind and let my daughter be who she wants to be. I vow not to let my preconceived ideas of “appropriate” girl behavior color my interactions with her. I will simply love her as she is and be grateful that I get to tag along on her adventures.
Maddie is perfect just the way she is and I love her for it.
Filed under: confessional, maddie
I. LOVE. This post. Because listen, this is the thing. Nobody is perfect and we all have preconceived notions and who your child is does affect you, absolutely, and gets at your hopes and dreams for her and at your expectations that you have likely had since long before she was even conceived. So, you know, it’s not like you can just toss all that out the window and become this super accepting, tolerant, go with the flow mom just like that, all of a sudden. I don’t think any of us could.
BUT. What I think is so awesome is the AWARENESS that you have of this. You see very clearly that you were, whether or not it was “right,” expecting your daughter to be a little more stereotypically girly than she is. And you are acknowledging that she isn’t girly in those ways, and that she is still happy and healthy and well-adjusted. And instead of trying to change HER, you are trying to change YOUR expectations to better align with reality. And I think that is AWESOME, and so self-aware. And she is lucky to have you as a mom.
1 Jess said this (November 9, 2009 at 12:58 pm)
You know what place you should totally BOYCOTT then? Stupid Toys R Us, with their “boy” and “girl” toy sections! So crazy, in this day and age, to be so blatantly stereotypical. I’ll take Addy in there and she won’t venture to the trucks because that’s the “boy side!” of the store. What a crock.
And you want to hear something also awful? I always kind of hoped for a tomboy girl, because after having grown up with no brothers and three sisters, I was kind of SICK TO DEATH of girly crap and wanted to just play with trucks and balls and things not pink for awhile! But alas, she is as girly as they come, most of the time, and I too have had to accept that my particular “vision” of what my daughter would be was not reality!
2 Sarah said this (November 9, 2009 at 1:00 pm)
We all have preconcieved notions about how/who our kids will be and it is startling sometimes when they don’t fit into mold we have in our mind. I keep telling my husband that our son might not want to play sports and he just looks at me like I’m crazy. Well, not really but he can’t understand why anyone (boys or girls really) wouldn’t want to play sports.
I think what Jess said about how you are aware of this makes all the difference. So it’s not like you are running around saying “Oh you need to be a princess and wear pink and take dance because I insist” which is probably why she’s just doing whatever she likes…because you let her be herself in the first place! You might be surprised to find her only wanting to be a princess in a few years.
3 jen said this (November 9, 2009 at 1:12 pm)
Very well said! I agree that it is so hard to ignore my preconceived notions of what my children will like/be like. I find it even harder as they age and have opinions about things like politics and religion (gah!). That’s where I really have a hard time keeping my opinions to myself. Deep breaths and time outs for myself work wonders, though. And wine. Lots and lots of wine.
4 Jana said this (November 9, 2009 at 1:19 pm)
Nah. Not a bad mother. I think when our children are born, we have kind of a vague mental picture of who they are, and sometimes this picture is allowed to come into focus slowly with the little things that kids do – starts to like soccer, proficient with paints, etc – and sometimes they come on faster than our mental focusing lens is set up for – sudden indications of intellectual ability, gender persuation, etc, and rather than a slow adjustment from the child you had in your head to the reality before you, it’s a sudden change, and with it comes, I think, some mourning for the image (however vague) you had in your head. Does that make sense?
5 Penny said this (November 9, 2009 at 1:32 pm)
We all have ideas of who are children will be, and the important thing is that you recognized it and let it go.
6 Devan said this (November 9, 2009 at 1:57 pm)
I agree with Devan- we all have a box that we believe, going into parenthood, that our children will fit in. Whether or not this box is gender-related, we all have to learn to just let our children BE who they are. Also, so may go through a “girlie” phase at some point. My twins have been interested in “boy” toys and then only “girl” toys at different points in their life. So don’t throw out that pink tutu yet… just when you decide to accept that your little girl is not girlie, she’ll fall in love with all things pink.
Or, maybe not. Ya never know!
7 Marie Green said this (November 9, 2009 at 3:35 pm)
I think it’s normal to start with a vague outline of what you think the child might be like, just as a sort of working model, and then carve here and add here as you find out what the child IS like. As long as you’re carving and adding, I don’t think having the original outline is appalling. You weren’t ever saying “MY GIRL MUST BE THIS WAY AND NOT THAT WAY!” After all, who gave her access to all the choices she’s making? Who made it possible for her to prefer the things she prefers? You did. Just because you thought she might sometimes make other choices, or even if you’d PREFER she make other choices, it doesn’t make you a hypocrite. It makes you a person with your OWN preferences, which is fine—just as it’s fine for Maddie.
8 Swistle said this (November 9, 2009 at 7:23 pm)
I totally get what you are saying. Giggles was not a girlie girl. She loved dump trucks and playing in the dirt. The Chicken on the other hand would wear frilly, formal dresses just because she could. Anything pink & princessy was her friend.
Its okay to realize that you had a box you were trying to shove your daughter in, so to speak. But you have realized it and you will be the better parent because of it.
9 Domestic Extraordinaire said this (November 9, 2009 at 7:37 pm)
Actions speak louder than words…or thoughts. You’re a great mom, and Maddie knows it already I’m sure.
10 Mommy Daisy said this (November 9, 2009 at 8:08 pm)
I’d just like to add that I’m not a total idiot and it should say “OUR” up there and not are. *ahem*
11 Devan said this (November 9, 2009 at 9:10 pm)
Interesting post, Erica.
I’ve struggled with the reverse! When Zoe desparately clung to baby dolls at friends’ houses, we finally had to give up and get her one. When she expressed a strong preference for dresses, I finally bought her some.
And now that she has decided that pink and purple are also her favorite colors (along with the still beloved orange and “lello”)? I am begrudgingly getting her some pink clothes as well.
Our introspection about how we react to our children and their choices is so worthwhile. She is lucky to have you for a mom.
12 Jenna said this (November 10, 2009 at 8:35 am)