Someday
It’s been over four years since my mother died and every now and then something will trigger a memory and all of the sudden, the pain bursts in and floods my heart and mind. For a while, I’m right back in that terrible moment when I had to turn over the urn to be interred and my mommy was gone from my care. Forever. The pain and sense of loss are overwhelming. I used to fight against it, but learned that it’s worse that way. Now, when it happens, I just let it. I remember, I cry, I feel.
Mostly I can remember the good times. Mostly I can talk about her without crying. Even talk about her dying and death without crying. But not always.
I’ve met a few other people who have just lost, or are in the process of losing, a parent and they always ask me if it ever stops hurting. I see their shining eyes and clenched jaws and I want to tell them that yes, it stops hurting. I want to give them hope that one day it will be all better. But I don’t. I tell them the truth; which is this:
No, it never stops hurting. There will always be a hole in your heart where your mom/dad used to be. Right now, that hole is raw and bleeding and the most painful thing you can imagine. That hole will always be there, but it won’t always be raw. It will heal and you’ll be all right. You’ll never be same as you were before their death, but you’ll be all right.
I’ll be all right.
Someday.
Filed under: family
i love you.
1 k bare - lg said this (September 23, 2009 at 9:57 pm)
You have described the pain completely and perfectly!
You ARE all right! Someday has already come and gone. You are a strong, courageous woman (and pretty too!)
Of course the pain? It won’t ever go away!
BTW, your mom is beautiful! I love that picture!
HUGS!
grace
2 grace said this (September 23, 2009 at 10:50 pm)
Wow. You just made me cry. Beautiful words. Beautiful photo.
3 Jocelyn Stott said this (September 24, 2009 at 12:08 am)
What a great picture of your mom. I’m so sorry.
4 Tess said this (September 24, 2009 at 6:39 am)
You look like her. Beautiful mom, beautiful post, beautiful author.
5 donna said this (September 24, 2009 at 6:42 am)
**HUGS** I can’t imagine. You handle it perfectly though.
6 Mommy Daisy said this (September 24, 2009 at 7:09 am)
I’m so sorry.
7 Shelly said this (September 24, 2009 at 7:47 am)
((hugs))
8 Devan said this (September 24, 2009 at 7:50 am)
I’m so sorry. My mom lost her mother when she was twenty five, and she said the worst times for her, memory-wise, were when she was pregnant or had little babies. It’s just a time when you want your mom, period, and nothing else will do. I know no one can make that pain go away for you, but know that we love you!
9 Sarah said this (September 24, 2009 at 7:52 am)
You are all right, really, mostly. I haven’t lost a parent but I’ve lost other people who were close to me and you are right that there is always a hole but it isn’t always raw. We all will be all right, eventually.
10 Jess said this (September 24, 2009 at 10:14 am)
Yes! I can’t mention her name before tears well up in my eyes. My mom died two years ago yesterday. I miss her every day. She was my best friend, the one I called ten times a day. No, the pain is always there and I just hope she is watching over me while I go through this life without her.
I feel your pain. The Alzheimers took her but I always knew she knew me.
11 Debbie said this (September 24, 2009 at 10:18 am)
I love you and I have every faith that your mom looks after you each and every day.
12 Shelly said this (September 24, 2009 at 11:48 am)
I can’t even imagine the range of emotions that comes with losing a parent, but from your eloquent post, I think you probably described it perfectly. Big hugs.
P.S. You have her smile.
13 Jana said this (September 24, 2009 at 6:22 pm)
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Although I seem to think that losing my mom would be so much more painful than it was when I lost my dad. (((hugs)))
14 heather~Domestic Extraordinaire said this (September 25, 2009 at 6:57 am)
You are so smart and strong. One of the things coming out in therapy is that I never let myself FEEL my mother’s death. I sort of observed it in everyone else, but remained detached from the fact that I, too, lost her.
You are going to be alright. I am going to be alright. And we will be better people for having loved and been loved.
15 Artemisia said this (September 25, 2009 at 10:42 am)
Beautiful post Erica. Your grace and strength impress me.
16 Jenna said this (September 25, 2009 at 10:45 am)
Oh, it’s so true. I find that the longer it is, the better I am day-to-day but those moments can bring you RIGHT BACK.
I love that picture.
xo
17 the new girl said this (September 25, 2009 at 11:40 am)
Such a beautiful, heartfelt post.
18 Heather said this (September 25, 2009 at 12:48 pm)
Big hugs to you. I cannot imagine losing my mom. I would feel so lost.
19 Suzy Voices said this (September 27, 2009 at 2:37 pm)
The pic of your mom really captures her as I remember her. Cute beyond her years, and just caught making a sharp but hilarious crack, probably at you. Love you! And honored to have shared a few special times with her.
20 Tio Steve said this (October 17, 2009 at 9:44 pm)