Huh? What’d I miss?

I debated about whether or not to tell you about The Clomid. Not because I’m embarrassed, or anything. Hell, I’m hardly the only woman who’s ovarially challenged, right? But because I was afraid you’d get the wrong idea. Since we all know I suck at keeping my own secrets, it wasn’t really a surprise to find myself blurting it out.

Lest you get the “wrong idea,” let me ‘splain: Gerald was 100% opposed to The Clomid re: O: SK. Last time around I was on Clomid, Estrogen and Progesterone. That’s a potent combination of hormones, my friends. I was a raving bitch one minute and sobbing uncontrollably the next. It’s a miracle we were ever able to, ahem, you know. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to “rise to the occasion” had I been the husband. In addition, Gerald’s never been fully convinced of the fact that I needed pharmaceutical help in order to conceive. When we were trying to get pregnant with Maddie, the OB I was going to was a little…shady off-putting and Gerald decided he didn’t know his ass from his elbow. Luckily for us, as soon as I conceived, he retired and I found the most wonderful OB, Dr. G.

Dr. G. did some blood work on me a few months ago and said things looked ok as far as ovulation was concerned that month. We were both hoping that my PCOS would reverse itself with my massive weight loss. Then, a couple months later, my period was 10 days early. (Remember, my cycle is only 24 days long to begin with. 10 days is almost half.) He did some more blood work and determined that I didn’t ovulate at all that month. He was concerned with the length of my cycle in addition to the lack of ovulation. He suggested a low dose of Clomid just to help things along. I reported all this to Gerald, but we again agreed to just let God be in charge.

We tried this month and not only did I not get pregnant, I started my period five days early and failed to ovulated yet again. At this point, I felt like we needed to make a final decision on O: SK. Did we want to get pregnant or not? Because if we did, then it wasn’t going to happen on it’s own very quickly, or maybe never. There was no way I could deal with Teh Crazy every month for who knows how long, or worry about Gerald deciding we were done trying since it was all one big FAIL. I didn’t want trying to conceive to be a drudgery or result in fights and hurt feelings. I was ready to throw in the towel if Gerald said no to the Clomid again.

After a lengthy (and totally calm) discussion, Gerald said that even though he was opposed to me taking any kind of fertility drugs, he knows how badly how I want another child and the easiest way for that to happen is to take Clomid. He still doesn’t like the idea, but is willing to compromise to make me happy. Yes, I’m aware that he’s a Keeper.

This time, I’m only taking Clomid for five days. Nothing else. After two doses, I feel great. No desire to stab someone in their fucking eyeball or cry over how my hair won’t lay right. At this point, my only worry is whether or not my husband will have recovered from his surgery enough to, well, you know, in two weeks.

Items of Note:

1. Gerald is having surgery tomorrow morning. He’s having RnY Gastric Bypass, to be specific. If you’d please send prayers/good vibes/happy thoughts, we’d both appreciate it.

2. I took my first dose of Clomid this morning.*

*Gerald would appreciate your prayers/good vibes/happy thoughts much more for this than for his surgery.

Fun Fact Friday – the TV edition

* Did I tell you that we canceled our DirecTV and TiVo subscriptions? We were paying over $120 a month and hardly ever watched TV. We canceled it last month and now I’m watching more TV than ever. We’re using Hulu and Netflix Instant Watch. It’s costing us less than 1/4 of what we used to pay and we’re happier.

* Gerald and I are in love with Defying Gravity. Watch it, or I’ll stab you.

* I’ve been watching Arrested Development after work. I didn’t watch it first go ’round, and I realize this makes me a colossal fool. The show is absolute perfection.

* I’ve started watching Lost. Again, I didn’t watch it when it first came on. Gerald did, but stopped last season. So, we’re watching it together from the beginning. I’ve only seen 3 episodes, but I can confidently say that shit is effed up.

* We’re also watching Warehouse 13 on SyFy. WTF is up with SciFi changing the spelling of the network? I mean, really? How asinine is “SyFy?” If 99% of the shows I like weren’t on that network, I’d boycott.

* Speaking of more shows on that network, do you watch Eureka? You should be. See the aforementioned stabbing.

Ok, so what else should we be watching?

Oh, for the love of pete

So, there’s some spotting going on this evening. This could mean one of two things. Let’s review the facts, shall we?

1. My cycle is only 24 or 25 days long.
2. I ovulate on day 12. (If I ovulate at all, that is.)
3. Today is one week post-ovulation and five days pre-period.

Therefore, the spotting could be implantation bleeding or a really effing early period. If it’s the latter, that will be twice in the last two months that I’ve been ridiculously early. That makes conceiving without pharmaceutical help about as likely as, well, something REALLY unlikely. *sigh* We’ll see what tomorrow holds, I guess.

You: Hopefully a post about something other than O: SK.
Me: Fat chance, suckah!

**UPDATE: O: SK Month 1 = FAIL

I seem to have sprung a leak…

Teh Crazy that I was so valiantly holding on the inside has begun to leak out into my everyday life. I’m obsessively googling early pregnancy symptoms and implantation cramping and blah blah blah. I’ve looked at my calendar approximately 678956 times today counting how many days are left before I can take a pregnancy test.

I was so hoping that I wouldn’t be insane this time around. Who the hell was I kidding?

We’re go for launch

O: SK has officially been launched. Now, we will have anxious waiting and hand-wringing for the next 10-14 days.

Really, though, I’m trying my best to keep O: SK super casual. We’ve decided not to go the Clomid route this time around because it made me a raving bitch when I took it trying to get pregnant with Maddie. There are other things we’re being casual about, but I’m going to spare you the gory details.

You’re welcome.

Anyhow, I’m trying to be super casual about it on the outside, but inside? Whoo Boy! There’s nothing casual going on. Trust me. The first thing I though this morning was “Today might be the day I conceive!” Followed by “I wonder when I’m going to ovulate? Maybe it happened when I was asleep and I won’t know it! Then what?” See? Not at all casual. But, as a favor to Gerald, I’m keeping my crazy on the inside this time around.

You guys aren’t so lucky.

Tales from the kitchen

* She’s an older lady who sits at the bar, chain smoking and reading paperbacks for the better part of the day. She’s either got coffee or a beer in front of her at all times. Her daughter and grandkids moved in with her and she spends most of her days at The Restaurant avoiding them. We share a love of thrillers and exchanged books this afternoon. That gal is a pistol.

* He’s old as dirt and impossible to please. He’s a millionaire and doesn’t tip for shit. We fight amongst ourselves to see who’s going to wait on him. So far, I’ve never lost.

* We don’t spit in your food. EVER.

* We do, however, talk shit about you. A LOT.

* When you treat us well, we remember you and will go out of our way to make you happy.

* When you disrespect us, we sometimes cry in the kitchen.

* That coffee? It’s not fresh. We just microwaved it to make it hot. It’s from 8 hours ago.

Operation: Second Kid

So, now that I’m a year post-bypass I can safely get pregnant. I’m also at a weight where being pregnant won’t be dangerous to my heath and I’ll get to wear adorable maternity clothes and have an adorable baby bump instead of just looking fatter than usual.

However, I’m still very anxious about O: SK. For all the times I call her a douchebag or asshole, Maddie really is a fantastic little kid. She’s smart, she listens really well and she’s fun. We’ve got a good thing going, you know? I’m afraid that adding another kid into the mix will ruin that good thing as opposed to enriching it. (This is the part where all you parents of more than one kid tell me that it’s harder but WORTH IT.)

Also, there’s the fact that Gerald’s not gung-ho for O: SK. He agrees that it’s good for us to give Maddie a sibling and he knows my uterus has hung out the “vacancy” sign, but if it was up to him there’d be no more kids. I feel selfish having another one when he really doesn’t want to. I’m afraid he’ll come to resent me and my greedy uterus when things are really rough those first months after the new baby comes. And if the next kid is a handful? Oh you’d better believe that will be my fault and we should’ve stopped while we were ahead.

But the thought of another baby growing in my belly gives me chills. More hiccups and kicks and heartburn and misery. More tiny newborn fingers clenched around mine. More naps with a tiny, hot body resting on my chest. More first smiles and laughs. Watching Maddie be a big sister. I want all these things. I want our little family to grow and for all of us to fall in love with our new addition. I never knew it was possible to love another human being as much as I love my husband and daughter and the thought of making another person that I’ll love just as much fills me with sunshine and rainbows and sparkles. My husband is a wonderful man and a fabulous father and I can’t wait to see who we make next.

#10

I was tagged for a picture post by our favorite Clueless but Hopeful Mama. This is the first picture post that I’ve ever been tagged for so I’m wicked excited. Also, I needed to post and had nothing really to say, so it’s a “two birds” sort of post, too. Score!

Simple Rules:
-Open your first photo folder.
-Scroll down to the 10th photo.
-Post that photo and story on your blog.
-Tag five others (or more) friends to do the same.

This was taken on 7/17/03. It’s Lake Louise in Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada. I took my parents to Banff for a week. It was the last vacation we took together as a family. I met Gerald in October of that same year and my mother was diagnosed with cancer again in November.

Just like CBHM, I can’t only post on picture. I have such warm, loving memories of this trip. I remember getting along so well with my parents and being so proud that I was able to afford to treat them to this vacation.

These were taken at the Calgary zoo. They had the most beautiful botanic gardens.

Here are some more from Lake Louise and the Chateau Lake Louise:

And here we are on the Crowfoot Glacier at Jasper National Park.

It started raining when we got to Jasper and by the time we made up the eleventy billion steps to the visitor’s center, we were soaked. Hence the hats and plastic rain coat. Classy, huh? Also, please notice how tan I was. I miss the days of tanning and not caring about skin cancer.

Tagging people doesn’t give me Nervous Tummy at all. If you want to do this photo post, then you will. If not, then skip it.

1. Becky
2. Shelly
3. Donna
4. Lola
5. Pru

Portrait of a Family

Maddie, Roxy and I hid under the covers in bed this morning. We were in a tent and Daddy was a bear trying to get us and eat us up. Maddie was the first casualty and was eaten all up by the bear. She crawled away from the carnage and promptly instructed Gerald as to his next course of action.

Maddie: Daddy, eat mama!
Mama: Yes, please.
Daddy: Um, maybe later.
Maddie: Daddy! You eat mama!
Mama: YES, PLEASE.
Daddy: What? Is she a porn director now?
Mama: I’m still waiting…