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I am still waiting for the apology, Gerald.
July 28th, 2009
So, it’s a known scientific fact the the blue m&ms taste better than all the other colors. I mean, you guys already knew this right? No? Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that you don’t separate your m&ms into color groups and eat them in order of preference always saving the best ones, BLUE, for last? Jesus H., people. How have you lived all these years without me?
Listen, the blue ones are totally the best. (No, they don’t all taste the same, Gerald. Shut up.) If the package of m&ms were to have instructions for eating they would be as follows:
1. Open the bag.
2. Dump out contents onto bed, lap, plate, napkin, whatev.
3. Sort m&ms by color and place into piles.
4. Ensure that each pile has the same number of m&ms in it.
5. Eat the extra ones immediately.
6. Eat the brown ones.
7. Eat the yellow ones.
8. Eat the orange ones.
9. Eat the green ones.
10. No, the green ones don’t make you horny. Grow the fuck up already.
11. Eat the red ones.
12. Yeah, they used to kill people, but not anymore.
13. Eat the blue ones.
14. Steal any remaining blue ones from your husband, wife, friends, children, strangers, etc.
However, there are no instructions on m&ms because those bags are pretty small and there are a lot of instructions. So better to leave them off entirely than to publish a partial list. I mean, what if it stopped at #8? Then you’d be all “Now what? I’ve got green and red and blue left! What am I supposed to do now?” And then you’d be calling the m&ms people and they’d have to hire more people to answer their phones and then they’d have to charge more for m&ms to pay for this increase in staff and suddenly people would be all “I’m NOT paying $12.95 for a bag of m&ms that I don’t even know how to eat!” and m&ms would go out of business and I’d never get any more blue ones again.
Anyhow, Gerald found this article today and it seems I’m completely right. I do not have a spinal injury at this VERY MOMENT because I eat all the blue ones I can find.
Now, he’s found this article. I’m thinking if they could find a way to put these nanodiamonds INTO blue m&ms then we’d be fucking indestructible, right?
test Filed under where do I come up with this stuff? | Comments (7)7 Responses to “I am still waiting for the apology, Gerald.”
hil-freaking-larious! Do you remember WAY back in the day there used to be dark brown and light brown? The light brown were my favorite. Then they started f-ing around with new colors…and light brown was sacrificed. At least there’s blue now tho, right?
Excellent news! Time to buy myself some blue M&Ms!
Hi. I found you this week through the Pioneer Woman’s blog. I just had to comment. I’ve gone through periods of my life where I too have organized the m&m’s by color and then eaten them in a specific order. I’m working with a couple of guys now who eat Skittles. So, of course, I turned them on to sorting by color, counting and recording the results on a spreadsheet. Every day at 3pm is “Skittles Time.” Slowly, but surely, other people on our floor are hearing about the activity and coming to observe and question us in our natural habitat.
I think I’m going to like your blog!
I’m with you until step 3. I then note how many of each color there are, and get rid of the smallest piles first. Survival of the most abundant… or some such thing.
But now I am intrigued. I’ll attempt your way and get back to you.
PS_ thanks for the excuse to submit to the pms chocolate craze. score.
DUDE, i know. And my dad used to drive me nuts when i was a kid (well, lots of ways but this particular time:) by daring me to prove that things do NOT taste like the color they are. And food coloring didn’t count. So the theory was that things tasted blue, or green, or whathaveyou. And I had to come up with ways that that wasn’t true. And he would refute every damn one of them. God, my dad is annoying.
What I don’t get are the people who eat their favorites FIRST? Huh??!!!
I am with you right up until steps 13 and 14. In my case, step 13 would read, “Give grotty blue m&ms to anyone who will eat them, Erica if she is in the vicinity.”
Sarah, I think the light brown m&ms were there when they were working out how to make the red ones not kill people.
I have insisted for YEARS that Irish coke and Mexican coke is better than US coke and I have recently been proven right: US uses HFCS and Irish and Mexican use cane sugar. BIG DIFFERENCE.