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I’m One Big Mental Glitch.
April 9th, 2009
First, thank you all for the sympathetic/empathetic (I can never remember which is the correct term) comments about The Hernia. I went ahead and made an appointment with my surgeon for tomorrow morning. I’m quite unhappy about the horrible testing I will most assuredly have to endure, the surgery itself, the recovery time, the lack of paid time off from my job for said recovery time, and the expense. However, I’m allowing myself a weak glimmer of hope in the form of a tummy tuck at the same time. I know this is futile and someone will most likely end up in tears, but for now it feels good to hope.
Now, on to the real topic of today’s post: Prettiness. How do you know if you have it? Sub-topic: Flirting. How do you know when it’s happening to you?
I don’t ever remember being told I was pretty as a child. Let that sink in for a moment. Never once did my mother tell me I was pretty or beautiful. (Before you think poorly of her, let me excuse her behavior by telling you she was abused by her father as a young girl and had many mental glitches with parenthood because of that abuse.) As I moved into the notoriously awkward teen years, I had plenty of boyfriends who told me I was pretty, but for some reason, if my mom didn’t think I was pretty then I just wasn’t.
I think it’s because we’re conditioned with that stupid phrase about someone having a “face only a mother could love.” As a mother, you see the best in your child. Of course you think they’re pretty or handsome. And smart, too! I tell Maddie she’s pretty and smart at least once a day. It’s not something I do intentionally. I just think she IS pretty and smart. (Also an asshole, but that’s another post.)
So, in my mind if my own mother didn’t think I was pretty (I have no idea what she thought, only that she never said it. Which equals “thought” in my head.) then I must not be pretty. I’ve never thought I was ugly. I even find my individual facial features attractive as sums of the whole. It’s the whole that gives me trouble.
Ok, are you still with me? There’s a point to all of this, I promise.
Now that I’ve lost weight and am now within the range of “normal” sized women, I find that I’m getting more attention from men. Not outwardly sexual attention. Just regular attention. More men strike up conversations with me. Men that I work with who talked to me when I was fat talk to me a little more now. Or they talk about different things. It’s weird. It’s like all of the sudden I’ve become a worthwhile diversion in their eyes.
This leads us to the sub-topic of flirting. When a man flirts with a very obese woman, it’s safe. Both parties involved are aware that it’s meaningless because men don’t find fat women attractive. Right? (Regardless of whether or not that’s the truth, that’s what most fat women believe.) Now, it seems as though I get flirted with a lot more than I used to. Or maybe I don’t. One of the things I worry about is not being able to recognize flirting anymore. I mean, what if I’m not being flirted with any more than I used to? What if I just assume it’s flirting because I’m not fat anymore? What if I’m not fat but I’m ugly so the flirting is still meaningless? Who cares if it’s meaningless because I’m married so it’s ALL meaningless. GAH!!!
(Also, if I am being flirted with more often, that makes me mad. I’m the same person I was when I was fat. If I’m “worthy” of your attention now, than I should’ve been a year ago, too.!) (But, you know what? I’m not the same person I was when I was fat. I’m more outgoing, I’m more confident. I’m less obsequious. I guess that makes my mad-on irrelevant.)
Not only are there significant physical changes that come along with losing a massive amount of weight, but there’s a boatload of mental hang-ups, too. I can’t have sugar AND I don’t know if I’m pretty. I can’t eat bread AND Wait? Was that flirting? I’m lactose intolerant AND I’m suspicious of male attention.
Like I needed more mental glitches. *sigh*
test Filed under confessional, WLS | Comments (8)8 Responses to “I’m One Big Mental Glitch.”
To brighten your glimmer of hope, my aunt had hernia surgery after her bypass, and was able to get insurance to OK a tummy tuck at the same time.
Apologies in advance if you aren’t able to get one, and the knowledge that my aunt did makes your disappointment that much more intense.
First of all, straight up, no bullshit ass-kissing, YOU ARE PRETTY. Empirically, as in a room full of reasonable people would 99% agree on your attractiveness. So there’s that.
I don’t know what to tell ya on the flirting. I’m not so hot at recognizing it myself. There have been hundreds of times in my life when I thought I was having a regular conversation with a guy that turned out to “mean something”. Dunno. I think both of our personalities are a little flirtatious by nature and so maybe we tend to assume the men we run across are the same.
I agree with Tess. You are an attractive person, most definitely!
I haven’t dated in like… 12 years, so I can’t help on the flirting!
I absolutely agree with Tess. You’re hot. For real. Objectively speaking.
Now, I totally relate to this whole thing. My parents never told me I was pretty either. They told me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I still remember the first time my mother told me I was pretty. It was at my sister’s wedding when I was 21 and had just lost 40 pounds due to a combination of mono and scurvy.
The flirting thing is hard, and the former-fat-woman hangups make it worse.
Is it a self-esteem thing that I don’t think being flirted with more if I were thin would make me mad? After all, I’m not really attracted to fat people and would be less likely to flirt with them if I were single. So how can I blame other people for doing the same thing?
You’re pretty, you were before your surgery.
I think we all have hang-ups, fat or not, but big changes sort of bring them up in a different light. I think that a big portion of it is likely your change in attitude, and less them changing. Feeling pretty, feeling like you’re worthy, makes all of that flirting stuff so much different.
My favorite high school teacher had a full body lift with her hernias (that’s right, two of em’), if you get that you’ll hate life, but it will be worth it in the end.
So when you see your surgeon just look at him and bat those beautiful eyes and say “You ARE gonna close me tight when you do this surgery, right?” That’s a freebie.
And btw, I totally completely entirely relate to EVERY word you said. Are men more talkative cuz they are that shallow OR could it be that we are more approachable because of this new found self-confidence?
Gack! It’s all so mind mind boggling. I understand!!
Never in my life have I been able to accurately pin down flirting. I’m pretty sure the only time I fully admitted that it was happening was when the man at Starbucks said, “So, apparently you’re going to ignore my attempts at flirting.” Um, apparently yes.
And here’s hoping that you can make lemonade out of the hernia surgery. Ugh, how’s that for a mixed metaphor? You know what I mean. Goooo tummy tuck!
As the others have said, at least the hernia will offer them the opportunity to give you a tuck too. *sighs* I wish I could afford to get a tuck; my stomach skin was ruined back when I had my first baby at 21, I’ve had this flap all these years, I’d LOVE to get it fixed. But they want so much more money when it’s plastic surgery, as you know. Silver lining for you and all that.
As for the flirting…it’s complicated. I thought I was downright ugly even as a child but it had nothing to do with my mom. She always said I was pretty and dressed me up when I was little and my dad was always calling me his “princess”, you know. They had issues, yes, but not about me. I was lucky that way.
Still, I thought (and sometimes still think) I was hideous in the mirror and pics. I never look the way I think I do and I’m often devastated at the difference. Dan took pics of me holding little Lily yesterday and one of the pics of me almost made me cry, it so didn’t look like the way I think I look.
But then I look at pictures of myself years ago and I see a pretty woman.
I don’t know what it means, I really don’t know why I do this.
YOU are exceptionally beautiful. I would love to have your face, my nose is too big, my eyes too small, my chin is too big (I got my dad’s chin, ugh, hardly “feminine); to me, your face looks perfect. Beautiful big green (or blue? I can’t tell from the pics) eyes, petite feminine nose, beautiful mouth (I do like my mouth too), gorgeous hair, you are very striking!
And your new confidence level probably has a lot to do with why men are chatting you up more, too. But I can’t figure out flirting, either, I am dense when it comes to flirting, always have been.
As I close my War and Peace sized comment, I’ll add that it also makes me a little sad, though, that men are being friendlier now that you weigh less.
I know it’s probably partly genetic; men are driven to choose attractive mates, even if they are not going to “mate” with that person, and it goes the other way around, too; women flirt more with men who are not heavy, I understand all this but it still makes me sad and not a little frustrated. 