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Impotence
March 30th, 2009
I can’t stop thinking about Baby Emily and her parents, Brian and Katie. I cried on and off all day yesterday. I thought about them a million times today. Wondering how they were. Wondering if my fervent prayers for a miracle had been answered.
They weren’t.
I don’t understand. I want to be angry with God. I want to yell and stomp my feet and lash out at the injustice of it. I want an explanation. I want to know what His plan is that this tiny girl should spend half her life fighting for just one more day. I want to know why He made it so little babies have to die.
But, I’m not entitled to answers. So, instead I pray for peace for Emily’s family and I cry some more. I wonder if Brian and Katie have any idea how profoundly their Emily has touched my heart. How I’ve followed their story for the last year and how attached to Emily I’ve become. I wonder how a little girl I’ve never met can reduce me to a sobbing mess.
I hug my daughter a little tighter and find extra patience for her whiny demands. I bury my nose in her neck and breathe in her distinctive scent and pray that it’s never tinged with the disinfectant smell of hospitals. I hear her say “I love you, Mama” and pray that it’s not last time.
test Filed under daily | Comments (9)9 Responses to “Impotence”
I just learned of Emily yesterday and I am just so heart broken for her family.
I know what you mean. We’ve had such a challenging day together, and when I found myself really about to lose it with Bridget, I’d remember Emily and think that I’ll bet her parents would give anything to see her run away from them in the middle of Chipotle, and I should be thankful for my spirited healthy girl.
Thanks for introducing me to Emily and her family.
Yes, thanks for introducing us to Emily. My heart is absolutely crushed by this little girl’s story.
Well written love.
G
I’ve been reading along with this story too and oh, it’s just awful. This post is beautiful and tragic too. The whole thing is just so heartbreaking.
/crying too
I’m a long time lurker, but I needed to vent based off of this post….sorry it was on your blog.
Even though I don’t have kids, I completly understand where you are coming from. I’m a 6th grade teacher who returned from spring break Monday morning to learn that one of her students had passed away Saturday night in a freak car accident (the car hit a patch of black ice, spun into a ditch and flipped). The entire family walked away without a scratch, yet this poor student didn’t survive. I keep wondering, why her? She’s just a kind, sweethearted kid!
It’s tough as hell to walk past her locker, to see her upset friends, and her empty desk in my classroom. Then, I had to listen to her mother’s heart wrenching sobs as she cleaned out her daughter’s locker. (The Mom said she needed to do it herself–we offered). A colleague and I took over food to the family tonight and the poor little girl’s room had an unmade bed with a stack of clean laundry on it. I lost it there in front of her family. This whole experience has made me hug my loved ones tighter and at least for now, not sweat the small stuff.
Thank you Erica. I am feeling so irritable with the kids the last few days, and I really needed the perspective. I am so lucky to have them in my life, healthy and happy and whiny and defiant and demanding and everything that kids are. I would be lost without them.
I re read this and the God’s plan thing and why do the innocent/young die/suffer and the only thing that makes sense to me is that God created the universe and everything in it to be free beings and not just puppets doing the will of God.
This means there ARE mistakes made in the universe, there are people/animals who do cruel things to the innocent and accidents and illness and death.
But if God changed this so that everything was fair to everyone at all times, I think all of creation would lose its ability to have personal choice. I don’t think it can be otherwise. God obviously appears to believe the ability of free choice is greater than anything else and therefore worth the risks.
So who am I to argue with God? I know that is simplistic but it comforts me in times like this.