Impotence

I can’t stop thinking about Baby Emily and her parents, Brian and Katie.  I cried on and off all day yesterday. I thought about them a million times today. Wondering how they were. Wondering if my fervent prayers for a miracle had been answered.

They weren’t.

I don’t understand. I want to be angry with God. I want to yell and stomp my feet and lash out at the injustice of it. I want an explanation. I want to know what His plan is that this tiny girl should spend half her life fighting for just one more day. I want to know why He made it so little babies have to die.

But, I’m not entitled to answers. So, instead I pray for peace for Emily’s family and I cry some more. I wonder if Brian and Katie have any idea how profoundly their Emily has touched my heart. How I’ve followed their story for the last year and how attached to Emily I’ve become. I wonder how a little girl I’ve never met can reduce me to a sobbing mess.

I hug my daughter a little tighter and find extra patience for her whiny demands. I bury my nose in her neck and breathe in her distinctive scent and pray that it’s never tinged with the disinfectant smell of hospitals. I hear her say “I love you, Mama” and pray that it’s not last time.

Unfair

I don’t know what to say, except to beg you all to pray for Emily and her family.

#5

I finally got my Maddie tattoo last night. It’s the symbol for capricorn and it’s on the inside of my left arm. About halfway between wrist and elbow. It’s still “juicy” so it doesn’t look great right now. I’ll take another pic once it’s healed.

Retreat

Yesterday’s genetic counseling session was, um, informative. And by that, I mean it scared the ever-loving-shit out of me. Seeing my odds in black and white was terrifying on a visceral level, you know? And now I have to wait three weeks to get the results back.

The final insult to injury? The day I get my results is the day before the anniversary of my mom’s death. Thanks for that, gods of scheduling.

Anyway, the point of this post isn’t to whine or garner sympathy. It’s to tell you that I feel the need to retreat into my shell for a little while. I suspect there’ll be much ruminating on my mortality and wondering what if? No one needs to be subjected to that. Trust me.

So, I’ll be around but kinda quiet for the next couple of weeks.

Housekeeping

So my kid came down with The Pinkeye last week. I took her to the pediatrician on Friday for confirmation and a prescription only to discover that she also had (ANOTHER!) ear infection and some kind of sinusy thing. After a couple of days of meds, both oral and ocular, she’s doing great.

However.

I woke up at 3am with green goop in my eyes. I took my contacts out, cleaned myself up, used some of Maddie’s eye drops and went back to bed. At 7am I tried to open my eyes only to find that one was glued shut by some unspeakable substance. I felt like a tool, but I emailed in sick to work. I mean, I know I’d be pissed if someone came into work with some kind of communicable thing, so even though I felt fine I figured it was best to stay home. Luckily, within 24 hours of starting the antibiotic eye drops The Pinkeye is no longer contagious. Whew.

<Insert clever segue here>

I’m thinking about doing that Mystic Tan stuff. Now that I’m not crazy fat anymore, I’m wearing shorter dresses and maybe even some shorts(!) this year. The only problem (besides having to shave my legs more often (i.e. more than once a damn month)) is that I’m pale. No, I’m really more “clear,” than “pale.” And I’m not working it like Dita. I’m sort of sickly looking. Back in the day I used to tan and I briefly considered starting up again regardless of the health issues. (Hello, vanity!) My husband ixnayed the anningtay by saying that if I started he’d start smoking again. Well, I lost that one, didn’t I?

So, I’m thinking this Mystic Tan shiz may be the answer. Have any of you used it? The local tanning place has a deal where you get unlimited sprays for $50 a month. I’ve read that they last anywhere from five days to a week, so at five tans a month it’s only $10 a piece. I’m willing to splurge on it, but it’s gotta be worth it. I’m not trying to look like an oompa loompa over here.

Reminders

Have any of you kept up with the tragic story of Jade Goody? I’ve been reading for months and this morning when I found that she’d died, it was like a sucker punch to the face.

I know on the surface it would seem that Jade has very little in common with my mother, but trust me when I say that the similarities in their illness, treatment and deaths were enough to reduce me to tears on several occasions recently.

April 17th will mark the fourth anniversary of my mother’s death and while the rawness of my grief has healed, there is still a gaping hole in my heart. I don’t think that one ever gets over certain deaths. Parents, children, spouses… they all leave an emptiness behind that simply cannot be filled.

Attention, Please!

On this 20st day of March, in the year of our Lord 2009, I officially weigh 197lbs.

ONE hundred and ninety-seven pounds. Did you see that? It’s an effing ONE!

(Tomorrow is my eighth month post-op to the day.)

(Thank you to My Buddy Mimi for pointing out that once again I do not know what day it is.)

Fun Fact Friday – The Early Edition

I know I haven’t been around much lately. I’m still trying to get into some sort of new routine with my shiteous work schedule. At any rate, here are some Friday Facts delivered on Wednesday night. Friday morning when all your friends/coworkers are reading the Friday Facts, you’ll already know them and you can totally one-up them. You’re welcome.

* Three weeks in and I’m still loving my job… with the exception of the above mentioned schedule. And that’s my own choice. “Better for Maddie, blah blah blah.” I miss Maddie like crazy on my work days and I find that I’m eager to spend time playing with her on my days off. As opposed to finding it a drudgery when it was 24/7.

* I’ve noticed some irritating habits of mine lately. Meaning that I’ve NOTICED them recently, not that the habits are recent. I’m pretty sure I’ve done them for a long, long time. First, I apologize all the friggin’ time. 99% of the time I’m neither in the wrong nor am I sincere in my apology, so wtf? I just automatically apologize to other people for imagined slights or transgressions. Also, I’m an interrupter. I get all excited about a conversation and I just can’t seem to wait my turn. I even finish other people’s sentences for them. Of course, I immediately apologize for it.

* I’m disproportionately saddened about Natasha Richardson. I have no idea why, but her accident and death have hit me hard.

* Last weekend, Tess, pointed out that I use Dog Whisperer techniques on my kid. Specifically, whenever Maddie’s about to do, or in the middle of doing something I don’t want her to do, I go “EENNNHHH!” loudly. She almost always immediately stops. At least I don’t poke her in the neck. That’s something, right?

* Thanks to my friend, Becky, I’m completely in love with the author Lisa Lutz. Seriously, read her Spellman series.

* I have increased my multi-vitamin, folic acid and calcium intake in preparation for Operation Second Kid. By starting months before the actual conceiving will take place, I’ve guaranteed that I’ll be supplemented appropriately as soon as I get pregnant. Then there’ll be nothing to worry about as far as vitamin levels go. “Oh no! I’m pregnant and I haven’t been getting enough folate and the baby will be riddled with birth defects!” You know, stuff like that.

* Only four months ’til BlogHer. I found out this week that another of my VERY FAVORITE bloggers will be attending. I can hardly believe that so many of my favorite people will be in one place at the same time. Oh jeez. I just had a panic attack over the heretofore unreached levels of social awkwardness that I’ll be experiencing. I’ll be lucky if only one person is still brave enough to speak to me afterward. (It’ll probably be Becky since I’ve known her for more than 20 years and she’s seen more awk from me than you can even imagine.)

*Bonus Fact: Thanks to my mad mix-n-matching skillz, I worked for three weeks and never repeated an outfit. Am officially fashionista.

Quick Stones Update

Turns out the kidney stones were not, in fact, kidney stones at all. I had evidence of a ruptured ovarian cyst on my left ovary and a big mamajama of a cyst on the right side. So, if the pain happens again, I’ll know that bad boy ruptured and I won’t get suckered in to believing my husband about the kidney stones.

Not quite as pathetic anymore

Thank you all for the sympathetic comments. I wallowed in them for a full 24 hours. I’m fine now, so you can go back to your lurking/smart ass comments.

I still don’t know anything about The Stones Situation. The sonographer called in sick on Wednesday, so bad luck for me. The dr is sending me for an abdominal and pelvic sono tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully that will yield some news. Some GOOD news. Not “omgIhavecancerandI’mgonnadie” news.

In a weird turn of events, my OB removed my Mirena IUD on Wednesday. He knew I was going to come back for the removal in a month or two and he said he’d just do it then and save me a trip and a co-pay. So, meanwhile I’m fertile. Or, I’m going to be soon. My husband is doing his best to make sure that his fertile parts stay FAR, FAR away from my fertile parts. Apparently, Maddie has killed his desire for a second child, too.  I’m pretty sure he’s willing to move into his own place just to avoid “accidentally” impregnating me.

My car is at the car-fixer-place and I’ve got a rental. My insurance company only pays $25 a day on the rental and I’m cheap and I won’t pay extra for a nicer car. This means that I went from my pimpmobile with heated leather seats and power everything (EVEN THE DOORS ARE POWER!) to a car that’s one horse away from being an Amish buggy. Dude, it’s got roll-down windows. That you have to crank. Like with your arms and shit. Also, the door locks are manual push down things. I’m surprised I don’t have to wind it up to make it go. The upside is that it’s sure to get much better gas mileage than my pimpmobile. The car-fixer-guy says it’ll be at least a week before my car is ready.

There’s also been an improvement on the Maddie vs. Daycare front. Gerald dropped her off on Wednesday and there was no drama whatsoever. It seems Maddie drama queens that shit up for my benefit. Your kids do it to you, too, don’t they? Gah. They’re such little douche bags sometimes, aren’t they?