That bitch gave me glaucoma!*

I took Maddie to the pediatrician this morning. The verdict? Double ear infections and THE CROUP.

So, meanwhile, I’ve paid for a week of preschool that she’s going to miss AND those damn kids gave her the croup. GAH!

* An old friend of mine once dated a Fort Worth police officer. He and his brother, who was also a cop, used to get called down to the clubs on the weekends when things got out of hand. My favorite story of his was about these two girls fighting in the street outside a club one night. One of the girls was out of her mind crazy and kept screaming that the other girl slept with her boyfriend. The cops couldn’t get her to calm down and they were trying to get her to explain why she was so crazy mad about it. The wronged girl screams “SHE SLEPT WITH MY MAN! THAT BITCH GAVE ME GLAUCOMA!” Of course, she was referring to some STD (our guess was chlamydia) but “glaucoma” sounds so much better, doesn’t it?

Because who doesn’t want a free purse?

Go here and enter! Win a fabulous purse and tell everyone you won it because of me.

Snot-nosed kids

Maddie’s first day of preschool came with an unexpected gift… a cold. She came down with it on Saturday and the last three days have been filled with snot, fevers, crying and more snot. Did I mention the snot? Oh sweet jeebus, it’s EVERYWHERE. And my child is not keen on sitting still long enough to be de-snotified or to have her nose sucked out. Which, by the way, is so very, very disgusting.

Meanwhile, I’ve come down with it, too. I don’t know if I’m just being a baby or if my post-op immune system is extra fragile, but I’m a pathetic mess. I need to drag myself to the pharmacy for copious amounts of otc cold remedies. The only problem with that is the “getting out of my jammies and leaving the house” part.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I got my hair cut this weekend and I got yet another new style. This one’s kind of a punkish-pixie. I wanted something new and my only choice was to go shorter. I absolutely love it. There will be pictures posted once I no longer feel like a pathetic mess. Meanwhile, pray to the gods of kleenex and nyquil that we feel better soon. kthanx!

OH NOES! HALP!

I just spilled a bottle of bright pink nail polish all over the pale grey carpet in my bedroom. We’re not talking a small puddle of polish either here, folks. The bottle fell, bounced and rolled. It’s about four feet of pink lines and swirls.

I’ve tried alcohol, turpentine, peroxide, windex, goo gone, oxy clean and hairspray and I’ve got nothing to show for it except an awesome contact high. (I read on the internets that acetone will eat through or remove the color from carpet, so I didn’t try nail polish remover.)

Has anyone else ever done this? What can I do besides pray to the gods of Resolve or replace my carpet?

Fun Fact Friday: The Pet Peeves Edition

* People that say “Barnes and NobleS.” wtf? Is there an S on the end of Noble? NO! So stop saying it that way for the love of gawd!

* When our Tivo cuts off the last couple of minutes of a show. Then I have to look for another showing just to see the ending. Yes, I realize that it’s not the Tivo’s fault, but meh.

* Our neighbors that have approximately 17,000 cars parked in front of there house 24/7. I can’t walk down the sidewalk because their cars are parked all the way down their driveway. I can’t walk in the street near the curb because their cars are parked there. I end up having to walk in the middle of the damn street just to get the mail. It’s even worse when I’m pushing the stroller. Oh, and half the cars haven’t moved in a year.

* Drivers who don’t acknowledge kindness on the road. I didn’t have to slow down and let you in, you bastard. You can at least wave a quick thank you.

* American Airlines charges $15 EACH WAY to check a bag now. One bag, not extra bags. So, when I go to Florida in two weeks, I have to choose between being the TSA’s bitch and buying all new smaller toiletries or I have to pay $30 to take what I already own.

* People who scrape their silverware with their teeth when they eat. *shudder*

* People who don’t even attempt to use correct grammar or spelling on message boards. Dear sweet baby jesus, are there REALLY people that write like that out there?

* Those telemarketer calls that have a recording that asks you to hold while you wait for a rep to talk to you. You’re going to call me and then ask me to wait until you get around to talking to me? Um, no.

* The fact that I always have to go through my “worst case scenario” routine when it comes to Maddie. She’s sleeping later than usual and I haven’t heard her on the monitor? SIDS! She refuses to take a nap? She will NEVER EVER nap again!

* Moms who judge other moms harshly over stupid shit. We’re all in this together and if we can’t support each other, who’s going to support us?

School Day

Maddie’s at school. I’m alone in my house for the first time in more than a YEAR. No hyperbole, people. A YEAR. And how did I celebrate this momentous occasion? I cleaned. I swept and mopped the kitchen, vacuumed the whole house and changed out all the toys in Maddie’s play yard. I still need to clean my bathroom but I’ve run out of ambition.

When I dropped her off this morning, Maddie took off for the toys in her classroom. She was trying so hard to play with everything at once that she got dizzy and stumbled around. She also stole a toy from another little girl approximately 3.7 seconds after she got there. I explained to her teacher that the precise reason she was there was to learn how to play with other kids. She assured me they’d work on it with her. I tried to hug and kiss her before I left but she wasn’t having any of it. I chased her down and hugged her, but my request for a kiss was met with a sweet “nooooo.” She was all “not in front of my friends, mom! sheesh!” I’m the only one who cried this morning. Ungrateful brat kid!

The teachers seem really nice and the school is clean and the other kids seemed happy. Not one of them was crying. I get a good vibe from the place, so I’m not sitting here worrying…. much.

Here are pictures from this morning. My bff threatened me if I didn’t post them.

Great Big Grown Up Girl

Maddie’s going to preschool!

Ok, well it’s preschool/mother’s day out. but STILL! It’s on Mondays and Thursdays from 9:00 until 2:00. She starts tomorrow so today we’re going to Target to get her school supplies. School supplies! Oh how I loved school supply shopping when I was a kid. Finding the perfect Trapper Keeper and folders was the highlight of my year.

Anyhow, I’m thrilled for her to get the chance to play with other kids and interact with other adults. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t mention that I’m also terrified and worried. Is my baby going to be ok? Will she be sad? Will they treat her well? Will she like it? Am I doing the right thing by sending her?

Of course, I’m completely looking forward to some alone time twice a week. There are some projects around the house I’d like to finish and I can even go up to my office for a few hours. Or sleep!

And now back to posts about weight loss

It’s been two months since my surgery. I’ve lost 48 lbs and four sizes. I’ve been doing well with not obsessing about how much or how fast I’m losing. I’m still weighing every day, but I feel much less crazy about it.

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been two months. It seems like I’ve always lived this way. I’m hard pressed to remember what it was like to eat whatever I wanted. I no longer feel sorry for myself or regret my decision to have surgery. I’m all through with mourning the loss of my precious food.

There’s a disconnect between what size I am and what size I feel. I got some new jeans yesterday (at the wal marts because I’m not spending good money on clothes that I’ll only wear for a month.) in a size 22. Now, I realize this is still a plus size and would give most of you a heart attack if you had to wear it, but it’s FOUR sizes smaller than I started in. I haven’t worn a 22 since I moved to Texas 12 years ago. Anyway, I didn’t try them on at the store because Maddie was with me, so I tried them on when I got home. As I held them up, all I could think was that they were waaaay to small and there was no way they were going to fit. Needless to say, then went right on. It was completely surreal. I still feel as big as I ever was. I wonder when, if ever, my mind will catch up with my body. Will I always feel like the fat girl?

To my bff

Happy Birthday, babe!

This year has been filled with drama and changes and excitement. You are in such a different place than you were last year. I can’t wait to see where you’ll be next year!

I love you and I thank the internets every day that we found each other.

love,
your bff

p.s. 18 days til Florida!

Jess and Torsten

May your love for each other grow and bloom with each passing day. May your lives be filled with blessings and prosperity. May the family you create surround you with love and grace. May your marriage be strong and your vows unbroken until your dying days.

Congratulations, Jess and Torsten. Here’s to forever.