My name is Erica and I’m fat.
I’ve been fat since I was a freshman in high school. Talk about adding insult to injury. Like being a teenager isn’t fraught with enough angst? Luckily, I had my stellar personality going for me. I was outgoing and funny and people liked to hang around me. Typical fat person stereotype, I guess. I was the fat, funny friend. The sidekick. Never the star. Don’t feel sorry for me, though. I wasn’t miserable. I had boyfriends and dates and friends to hang with every weekend. (Hi Becky!) Eventually, my personality took a turn for the worse and I alienated almost all my friends and boyfriends. But that’s a whole ‘nother story.
I have the fat gene in my family. My mother was overweight her whole adult life and my biological father was super obese when he died. Then, there’s the fact that being raised by someone with food issues doesn’t bode well for nutritional smartitude as an adult. Throw in some emotional trauma and you have the recipe for a fatty. Now, I don’t use any of these things as an excuse or a justification. I merely want you to understand that there is no single reason for my obesity.
Along those lines, there won’t be a single “cure,” either. WLS is a tool that I’m going to use to change my life. I don’t expect the surgery to do anything but give me a large shove in the right direction. I forget where I read it, but a post-WLS blogger wrote that the surgery is only on your body… your mind is exactly the same afterward. I think about that all the time. I can voluntarily have my insides rearranged but that’s not going to change the fact that I’ve got an unhealthy relationship with food.
But I’m ready for this drastic change for so many reasons. I know people say you have to want to do it for yourself, but I think that’s bullshit. Some people want to look hot for their high school reunion. Some want to reverse health problems associated with obesity. Me? I want to be a better mom. I want to run and play with Maddie. I don’t ever want my weight to hold us back or stop us from doing anything. I want to be a good role model. And I want to live a long, long time for her. I can’t control that, I know. But I can sure as hell stop making my lifetime shorter than it has to be all for the sake of food.
I am SO EXCITED for you.
I think “doing it for yourself” is bullshit too. Sometimes you have to do it for some other reason first, and let yourself come around later.
I have an old friend who went through the same procedure, and it was the start of a huge series of changes in her life. She ended up ditching her abusive husband, quitting her dot com job, cashing out her stock options, selling her house, moving to another part of the state, and using her money to buy a chain of ice cream stores. Not that anything like that would happen to you, but it was amazing what she could do when she felt better about herself and empowered to change her current situation.
I have been feeling really guilty lately about my unhealthy relationship with food. I am flirting with being moderately overweight, and have been since around sixteen years old. But I really don’t dislike my body that much, so the issue for me is just that I think I’m setting a bad example for my kids. I use little “treats” as a remedy for just about anything that ails me, and I know that’s not the right way to look at food. It is primarily for FUEL, not COMFORT. It’s a VERY hard habit to break though, this way of seeing food as an indulgence to compensate for a hard day or as a reward for doing well at something.
Erica, you have such a healthy mind about this and that is awesome. You put it into such a good perspective you should write a book-seriously. The whole “it’s for my self-esteem” or for a reunion is what you said exactly, it’s everyone having their own reasons for doing this. The best part is you are doing this for Maddie and your future as a family, really that is the best gift you can give to anyone: more time with your family!
I am praying you heal up quick and get to spend time with her & Gerald, and really I am so proud of you for putting it like you did. And you DO have a great personality, thank goodness you have had that right?? You aren’t a mopey person or anything, you are just honest and open–so write a book after this and who knows? Maybe you’ll be the best author for self-reflection!
Hi Erica, I’m Sarah, and I’m fat too.
OK, that doesn’t help really, does it. But at least you’re witty and funny. I don’t have that. I’m just super nice and kind and friendly. I think that helps me make friends. ANYway, I wish you luck with this new journey in your life. I think that you ARE doing it for awesome reasons. I know I started exercising because I want to run around more with my son. It’s sure helped (until I injured my back, but I will get to it again soon).
I gained most of my weight in the first year (or so) of college. I mean like 30+ pounds in a year. Yikes. But here I am. And I haven’t taken enough steps in the right direction. You’re inspiring though, and I love talking about this topic. It’s part of our lives, so why hide it right? I’m pretty determined to lose weight before having a second baby. My goal for that is 40 lbs. I know it won’t get me far (because I have a lot more to lose) but it’s a great start.
So, I’m here with you, my friend. And I’ll encourage you every chance I can.
(Yay to you being back blogging! We missed you!)
I think doing something like this for your kids is an AMAZING reason. It’s how my dad quit smoking. He tried to quit “for his health” for YEARS and finally, when I was a preteen, he saw how much I hated it, saw how it was killing him and FINALLY quit.
I’ve honestly never felt so loved.
You are doing an amazing thing for yourself but I so strongly believe that THE best gift you can give your daughter is a healthy, happy you ON THIS PLANET for a really, really long time.
I am already hooked on your journey. I’m interested to see how you go about changing your mindset, as that is something I would like to be able to do myself.
I think it’s great that you’ve already got a handle on the “why” of your weight issues. So many times, people seek the quick fix and don’t try to change the underlying causes of their problem (be it weight, alcoholism, etc). You’re already ahead of the game by knowing (and admitting) the causes. Go you! I can’t wait to hear more about the process and your progress.
Hey, I hope the whole surgery thing can give you the extra shove. I hope you post pictures and updates of yourself over time, so we can all see the progress.