Birth Stories
I am envious of women who have wonderful, non-traumatic birth stories. Stories where everyone is nervous and excited and scared, but things all work out just fine. Mine is not such a story. I don’t share my birth story with anyone. I especially won’t share it with Maddie when she’s older. I will concoct a new version for her ears.
I am over the nightmares and the panic attacks that used to come with the memory of Maddie’s birth, but I am still scarred by it. I speak of emotional scarring, not physical. I wear the physical scar with with enormous pride. Not only did I give birth to a beautiful and perfect daughter via that physical scar, it is also proof that I survived the most painful thing I have ever experienced.
It took four blown-out veins and an episode of vasoconstriction before my I.V. was in. It took the anesthesiologist an hour to get my epidural in place. By that point, I had to be sedated because I was losing my shit. When I was wheeled into the OR, the nurse kept pinching and pricking me to see if it had taken effect. I kept telling her that I felt it, but she said that was normal. I was supposed to feel it, but it wasn’t supposed to hurt.
The doctors began the c-section and I discovered that my epidural had only taken effect on the left side of my body. I felt everything on the right. Every cut, every slice, EVERYTHING. I kept telling the nurse that it hurt, but she kept telling me that all I was feeling was pressure. I screamed at her that what I felt was PAIN. When they removed Maddie from my womb, I could barely focus on what was going on. I saw her and then screamed with pain as the doctors continued on with whatever it is they do after the baby is out. Finally, the nurse took mercy on me and gave me a mask with some kind of gas in it. I don’t remember anything else until waking up in the recovery room. Gerald says that I was awake and carried on a conversation with him while surgery was finished. I have absolutely no memory of it. I don’t know if it was whatever the nurse gave me, or if I have simply blocked it out because it was so painful.
For months afterward, I felt invincible. I had felt my c-section and lived to tell about it! Now, I’m just pissed. Why is it that the nurse didn’t listen to me? Why did she think she knew better what I was feeling than I did? Did she feel guilty about it later? Did she care at all? Does she even remember? Because I do.
Wow, that is very tramatic. I say “Go Erica”. You’re one strong woman. But I can understand your … regret?… or whatever that feeling is. I have some things (mostly after birth) that happened with me and my son that I regret (still not sure that’s the right word). Anyway, I sort of know what you mean. I’d like to talk about it some day on my blog, but it’s not things I look forward to reliving. I know that when I’m pregnant again it will have to resurface.
Until then, I guess we just have to remember that everyone is different and every person’s experiences are different. We can’t go back and change those things.
Holy shit!!!! I’ve never known anyone this happened to. Talk about scarring you forever. I guess at least you’ve got a lot of time to make up a happy Mickey Mouse version for Maddy when she’s older and says “tell me about when I was born”. Having no idea about your fertility/circumstance/personal wishes, etc., does it affect your desire to have another?
Erica, I am sorry. This sounds so scary. It seems like lately, the more and more I hear about doctors and hospitals and nurses, et al, the more my primary emotion about healthcare is: ANGER.
wow. And I agree with Tessie. I’m sorry you had such a painful horrible experience.
OMG. That is just a horrible thought. I can’t believe that nurse.
YOU are a strong woman my dear.
I feel so awful for you but in a way you’ve taken this to be positive [in a way]. Heck, if you can FEEL a C-section and live to tell the tale you are a very strong person!
I’m with whoever Tessie is, I hear more & more about the medical field treating patients like ticker numbers-not all nurses but more often now. You have to ask yourself, if these people have ever had C-sections or even major surgery themselves? My C-section was my first ever surgery….EVER.
That’s awful. Even if the nurse didn’t listen, the doctors should have. My epidural started wearing off partway through a c-section, and when I said “ow Ow OW!” they were RIGHT ON IT. And no one has ever argued with me about what I feel, EXCEPT when I said the morphine did nothing for me. They don’t believe me about that. But they believe me when I say I can feel the little corner of plastic they’re poking me with.
You know, I wonder if I lost credibility with her when I lost my shit during the epidural. Maybe she thought I was just a drama queen or something.
Even if you were a drama queen during the epidural (and I don’t blame you since someone was messing with your spinal cord for an hour), that’s no reason to not believe you about the pain. And I’m with Swistle, the doctor should have listened to you. Totally unacceptable.
That sounds horrible!
Oh, God, Erica. I am so sorry. You are right to be pissed. I think the entire health care system is misogynistic.
You are STRONG. Holy shit. Maddie is so very lucky to have such a strong mama.
Ditto Swistle and Artemesia- doctors need to LISTEN and not think that they KNOW what is going on with you, and the healthcare system in this country, particularly in regards to birth, is misogynistic and generally f-ed up.
That said, I think your birth story is one of epic proportions and definitely classifies you as a “Birth Warrior” or whatever that rah-rah name is that I’ve heard some doulas and midwives use. Before, my thinking was: cheesy. Now? ACCURATE.
Erica, I’m so sorry that happened to you! And I’m pissed off too! Where is that nurse? Let me know and I’ll bitch-slap her ass all over the place. Gah! Don’t get me started on health-care in this country. Everyone talks about the insane cost and yeah, it’s a concern but I’m also very tired of seeing firsthand and hearing second-hand about the rampant apathy within the medical profession.
I do remember a time when it was completely different and the staff fucking *cared*. When a patient was in pain, they dropped everything to try and stop it. Now finding someone who really cares working in the medical industry is a hit and miss thing.
{{{hugs}}}
Wow, so unbelievable. I’d be pissed too. I have mixed feeling about my c/s too.
Dude. That’s effed UP. I’m feeling mad for you. That’s very, very traumatic. I feel like that kind of situation could certainly even contribute to the depression that you’ve been feeling, really.
I want you to write a letter to those em effers. I once wrote a letter to my doctor’s office. He never responded but it was the only thing I could think to do. I only did it that once but the experience was cathartic.
xo