Uncomfortable
Hi, my name is Erica and I have postpartum depression.
Also, a little social anxiety thrown in for good measure. I have been a shadow of my former self for almost a year. I can count the number of days that I’ve felt GOOD on two hands. I’ve felt overwhelmed, anxious, sad, defeated, angry, self-righteous and pitiful, but not GOOD.
I sort of thought this is just how it’s supposed to be. I’ve never had a kid and quit working at an office before; I had no frame of reference. But I was lucky enough to read some other bloggers who were struggling with similar issues. All of the sudden, I realized two things: One, I am not alone in this. Two, things don’t have to be this way. I don’t have to cry all the time. Or be angry at Gerald for no reason whatsoever. Or avoid playing with Maddie. Or not want to leave the house for days at a time. I realized that this is the way it is, but not the way has to be.
On Friday, I talked to my doctor. I told her all the things I’ve been hiding. It was embarrassing and humiliating and very difficult to do, but I knew it needed to be done. My doctor has the best bedside manner of any doctor I’ve ever been to. She listened, asked questions and forced me to vocalize things that I would have been more comfortable keeping secret. She understood where I was coming from and told me she could help. “Together, we can fix this,” she said. She gave me a script for Z*oloft and an appointment in a month.
For the first time in a long time, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see a hint of my old self in the mirror looking back at me. And it feels GOOD.
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What a hopeful post. I’m so glad you’re feeling better about things.
One of the things I truly DIDN’T know about having a baby, but learned through the internets is that PPD isn’t just a concern for the first few weeks/months. I’ve read people who had it for a year, or two or even THREE years.
I had PPD for about a year and it truly truly sucks. I really hope the zoloft helps. When I started feeling better I was amazed at how bad it had been. I’m sorry it’s been rough but I’m glad things sound like they’ll get better! I know what it’s like to get back to feeling like yourself again and feeling like you’re in control again and I wish that for you VERY SOON.
This is weird b/c I was just thinking about you this morning and how you were feeling. Didn’t you say you were considering getting your IUD removed because you felt so awful all of the time? Did you doctor see any connectino between the two?
Erica, I had no idea you’d been going through all that!
I’m glad you are getting help for it. Good luck!
Oh Erica, I’m sorry. But good for you for going to the doctor. I’m glad this is working and you are feeling better.
I am so glad you talked to your doctor, that you are facing this. You deserve to be happy!
YOU DESERVE IT.
SO glad you took that first step.
Yay for Zoloft….I hope it works for you and you’re back to your old self soon.
I think everything is magnified when you’re couped up at home - I think even MORE so when you’re trying to straddle work and parenting in the same house, because the transition is too quick (I wrote about this today) and it gets exhausting.
If I have some kind of depression, I’m not admitting it to myself, but I identify with many of the feelings you describe and I think it’s very common, if not “normal,” and certainly not ideal to say the least.
Good for you on finding help.
Wow. I feel a little lame for not knowing this, for not seeing it. You’re always so funny and I guess I haven’t been reading for very long.
I was so terrified of PPD (there is a LOT of depression in my family and I tend to get morose easily) when I had Zoe and I luckily dodged the bullet this time. I’m so glad that you have a great doctor (can you clone her?!?!) who can help.
Plus there’s all of us, saying YAY! Hopefully that helps too!
Okay, here is what I always wonder: how did you START the conversation with your doctor? I always wish mine would ask questions, like, “So, have you been feeling x, y, or z?,” but he doesn’t, and I just don’t know how to START THE CONVERSATION. I’m really good with doctors: bright-eyed and smiley even if at home I feel bad. So they assume I’m okay.
Swistle - Luckily (??) I was feeling really low on the day of my appointment and I think my doctor noticed. I was just there for a weigh-in as part of my pre-surgical requirement and she looked at me and said “what do you want to talk about today?” I couldn’t meet her eyes and she said “I’m here to help you, Erica. What do you not want to tell me?” I started bawling and everything sort of fell out of me. I can’t take any credit for starting the conversation with her and I have no idea what I would have said if she hadn’t prompted me.
I know that doesn’t help at all and I’m sorry. I think one would just have to bite the bullet and say “I”m feeling x, y, or z. What can we do about it?” Or if that sounds too hard, just don’t put on a smiley face for your doctor. Don’t pretend everything’s ok when it’s not and maybe he’ll pick up on it? I think maybe women doctors are more astute at intuiting when a patient’s got something on their mind, so I guess I lucked out with that.
Shelly - No, my doctor didn’t think it was my IUD. She said I could have it removed when I see my OB/Gyn if I want to, but she doesn’t think it will help. I’m going to see how I respond to the Zoloft and if the PMS is still out of control, then I’ll talk to my OB about going another route for birth control.
Erica~
I’m glad you talked to your doc! I’ve been on zoloft three years now and wow, it makes a HUGE difference in how I feel. After my gastric bypass surgery I had some problems about a month into it. Turns out the zoloft was becoming ineffective cuz of malabsorption. We increased the dose a bit and then split it. That fixed me. Give it 2-4 weeks and you’ll be amazed how you feel. I tell people now that I’d been depressed my entire adult life and didn’t even know it till we fixed it.
Good for you for being brave enough and honest enough to talk to your doc!!
Hugs~
Eva
I have been feeling blue for quite a while, too, and just now posted about it. So I totally get what you’re saying and I hope we both find our way out of the tunnel soon!
I hope you are feeling better soon! It was so brave of you to talk to your doctor!
YOU GO GIRL! ROCK THIS THING! I am so proud of you for talking to your doc. It’s not an easy thing to do, but soooo important. Keep us posted, will ya?
Okay…. you have opened my eyes a little more. I’m pretty much in denial, thinking that there is “something” else wrong with me. Or maybe not as much thinking as hoping that it’s something else. I had a couple of appointments and I avoided all the obvious, pointed out all the things that might mean that I have “something else”. Ugh.. I’m so in denial, I know this is what it is and I’m just not wanting to get on the medication. The thing is, I had a miscarriage in July, so the doctor thought I might have Post Pardum Depression but I swayed him away from it. I know I know, it’s terrible and I need the medication and help but I just don’t want to feel worse with medicine, and I don’t want to admit it to him, and I plan to start working on another baby soon…. I’m sorry to vent but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to come to work, I am irritated at everything the kids ask me. I can go the whole day without talking to my husband which is odd because I was used to calling and talking with him frequently throughout the day. I don’t want to clean, so my husband has picked up that. I don’t really want to leave the house most days, definately not on the weekend, I just hate being like this.. like you said, you’re not “good”, that’s exactly how I am…
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s brave and generous to talk about it.