Burn Out
I’ve been a sahm/wahm for four months now, and you know what? This job is the hardest one I’ve ever had.
Notice how I didn’t tack on the typical “and the most rewarding” business there on the end of that statement? I’m sure I’ll feel that way one day, but it’s not today. In order for it to be rewarding, I need some sort of feedback from Maddie and she’s not going to be able to give it for a long, long time. So basically, I bust my hump for no gratitude whatsoever. No pay raise, no outstanding review, no bonus, nothing.
Granted, I am happier than if I were working in an office. But I miss the recognition that comes with a job well done. We just had a bad week (Maddie’s teething again and she’s been non-stop whiny.) and by Thursday, I was ready to pack my bags and run for Mexico. But, I didn’t. I stuck it out and keep going. Is there so much as a pat on the back and a “good job!” for this? No. There’s nothing. It gets really discouraging.
And a spouse that’s never been a stay-at-home-parent cannot empathize. They still think that going to work in an office is harder and more work. There are days when being at home with Maddie is a breeze and I’m sure Gerald got the short end of the stick. However, there are also days when I’d give anything to be away from home for nine or 10 hours. Gerald has no idea what it’s like to be the primary caregiver day in and day out. I’m sure it looks easy to him from his viewpoint…. what I wouldn’t give to let him try it for two weeks. **UPDATED TO ADD - I don’t mean to imply that Gerald doesn’t work hard, too. He does. This isn’t a competition to see who has it worse. I’m just saying that it makes it even more difficult to feel validated when your spouse has no idea what you go through on a daily basis.
Validation. It really all boils down to validation. Stay-at-home parents do a hell of a lot of work and they do it for a tiny dictator that has no boundaries. If there’s a stay-at-home parent in your life, give them some validation. I promise you’ll make their day. Hell, maybe even their week.
You’re tellin’ me.
Signed,
a WAHM who lately has been fantasizing about an OFFICE.
*pat pat* Good job, not going to Mexico!
I know this is the solution everyone ALWAYS offers, but I will offer it anyway: could you leave Gerald with her ALL DAY some day? Just to give him a little taste of what it’s like? It’s a shitty solution, though, because it doesn’t take into account the CUMULATIVE effect of staying home day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day.
I totally agree that a sahm is the hardest job there is. You are right…NO ONE CARES….but to be honest I would not trade them for anything. I did both and also agree that going to work everyday has a lot of advantages. Just being around others…your age…and the challenge of making it all work has a lot to be enjoyed. I guess all I can do is send you a big (((HUG))) and tell you how much I love you and the job you doing as a wife for my son and mother for my granddaughter. You are a beautiful precious person
Amen! Amen! Some weeks I think “This is the best job ever.” That always means the next I think “Where should I put in my resume first? I’m outta here.”
*Patting you on the back* You DO a great job, Erica! You’ve got a sweet little girl to prove that.
You are preaching to the choir! It is a thankless job, but the little smiles, hugs and giggles make it worth it (in my humble opinion).
I didn’t think for a second you were saying Gerald doesn’t work hard. Of course he does.
But yes, it’s true, if one has never stayed home with a small child for months/years at a time, you can’t truly understand the intellectual boredom, the frustration and the exhaustion involved.
The biggest difference between busting your ass at work and busting your ass at home with little kids is, the latter job is never ever done. Never. There’s no “qutting time”, there’s no interaction with adults. And even if you get away for lunch with friends while the Hubs stays home for a few hours and babysits, you still feel guilty and you can’t stop thinking about your baby.
At least when you work and then come home to a baby/todder/child, at least you had a break for some hours. At least you didn’t have to listen to non-stop whining or diaper rash or vomiting or screaming or flinging food all over the floor all day and now into your evening and night too.
It’s hard for husbands to fully understand the trapped feeling you can get if they haven’t quit their jobs and stayed home for several months doing it by themselves so they really know what that feels like. And that’s really the only way they’ll ever understand in their gut.
However. It is still without a doubt the greatest job in the world. Like anything, it has a down side. But as I look at my two kids today, was it worth it? Oh man…so worth it. And there were plenty of moments I knew it was worth it along the way too. As you say, especially when she gets more verbal it’ll be better because you’ll get more feedback. Like any great “project” there is a LOT of work in the beginning that pays off later in spades.
And ditto, you’re doing awesome! Big pats on the back.
I hear you. You’re doing a great job and someday that little sweetie will be able to tell you how much she appreciates it.
AMEN.
I work part time but I am still the primary caregiver and the relentlessness of it all is what really gets to me.
When you’re the stay at home parent–THE BUCK STOPS HERE.
Re: Swistle’s idea: I would love to leave Zoe with my husband for a WHOLE day sometime but even that wouldn’t begin to give him a sense of the crushing responsibility and vigilance and boredom and stress and and and AND of it all.
I do have to agree with Jana, though. Every time Zoe smiles at me or laughs with me or runs to me with her arms open and her smile wide, I make myself really focus on it, soak it in and try to remember it as the best job feedback there is.
I see it’s time for me to work on the SAHMBO post, eh???
And, by the way, validation came in its best form for me from a therapist for $107 per week. Ponder…
I’ve said this before, but it boggles my mind how you get everything done that you do while taking care of Maddie. It is awesome, and so are you.
Thanks for not adding all that cheesy “but it’s so worth it” crap on to the end. That is IMPLIED, obviously, but whenever I read it I just do the BIG SIGH of lameness.
Hang on, man. Also, you can come over to my office anytime. I’ll even let you sit in my chair.
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