Humble
Today, I was a cranky mother. Maddie was grumpy and everything was a struggle. She didn’t want me to feed her lunch or dinner. She wants to feed herself little bites of food, now. No baby food. This is great, except she only has two teeth that aren’t any help with chewing. Mostly, they just help with biting.
Bedtime is also a war. She wants a toy to play with on the changing table. I give her one and she promptly throws it at me or drops it on my foot. This wouldn’t be an issue if I gave her a plush toy, would it? But, she only likes to play with things that aren’t toys when on the changing table. Hair brush, lotion bottle, etc. These things sting when launch at you by a bratty kid. Top all this off with a very generous portion of all day whining and you have my week.
I finally reached the end of my proverbial rope and fussed at her tonight. I believe the exact words I used were, “Why do you have to make everything so fucking difficult?!” Not the highlight of my motherhood career, is it? I was feeling sorry for myself. “Why is my baby so difficult? When will this end? Am I going to have to go back to work because she’s driving me crazy? I bet other moms can handle this stuff. Why does she always whine the minute I walk into the room? Can’t she go to her dad once in a while?” Pathetic and self-absorbed? Yep. That’s me.
When Maddie and I said her bedtime prayers, I prayed for patience with her. She’s just a normal baby. She doesn’t do these things to inconvenience me or to piss me off. She’s learning and growing and gaining independence. I don’t want her to sit around like a robot or a doll and only do what I tell her to when I tell her to do it. I want her to express her own opinions and wants and needs. I just want to be more patient when she does it.
Later in the evening, I was browsing around blogs and found a mother who had just lost her two year old son. The story was heartrending and I bawled. All I could think of was loosing Maddie. How I would long for a difficult bedtime or feeding if she were gone. I am so grateful for what I have and I need to start acting like it.
Girl, you are so not the only one who’s said those exact words. Motherhood is really hard. For ANYBODY! Cut yourself a little slack. The key thing is that you recognize you need patience. That means you are a GREAT mom, not a bad one for losing it sometimes. Love ya, honey - like my own sis.
You are so not alone in saying things to your child that you totally regret two seconds later. If you figure out how to get some patience, please share your secret. My children will thank you from the bottom of their hearts.
Oh, my child pulls the same antics. Some weeks (like this one) it seems like they’ll never end. Then they give you a sweet hug or kiss, and all seems ok again.
And I think I read the same blog. I was crying and oh so sad for that family. I can’t even BEGIN to imagine losing my child. We are blessed!
Oh, it TOTALLY seems like they’re messing with us, doesn’t it?
I remember that age as the “beating my head against the wall” stage. It gets so much easier when they can understand what you’re saying and they can talk as well I promise (and then it gets horrible again but nevermind that). Of course we’re all grateful but we’re all still entitled to friggin’ lose it. I feel for you - that age was the absolute worst for me at least (and holy crap I can’t believe we’re going to repeat the whole thing again I’m so going to be back in therapy)