Crapspackle

Dear Workplace,

I’ll see you bright and early Monday morning.

What? That work-from-home nonsense? That was all a joke. HaHa. You totally fell for it. I punk’d you!

Do you think my boss would fall for it and let me come back? This staying at home shit is HARD. Yeah, it’s only been ONE DAY, but it was a really bad one day.

First, there was a blow-out diaper at 4:30 in the morning. Clean jammies and clean changing pad cover required. Then, there was a too-short nap before the portrait appointment. As soon as the meager portrait taking was done, there was throwing up and cleaning up. Followed by turning completely over while left in car seat/stroller combo. (Ok, that was my fault. She was sitting in it, but not strapped in. But when the hell did she learn to turn over in the damn car seat? Is there a class on this that she’s taking? This caused me a small heart attack in the middle of the portrait studio.) By the time we got home, there was over-tiredness and more no-napping. Followed by more throwing up, in the crib this time, complete with vomit hair. A clean sheet and sponge bath took care of things temporarily. A nap FINALLY happened at 4:30, but I had to wake her prematurely or she’d have slept too long and not gone to bed until midnight. This, of course, brings many, many tears. During the post-nap diaper change, there was surprise peeing. Another clean outfit and clean changing pad cover required. After dinner, I popped her into her the crib while I ran to turn on the bath water. (I sure couldn’t leave her on the changing table what with the correspondence course she’s taking in “rolling over when it’s life threatening to do so.”) In the two seconds I was out of the room, she threw up squash all over her clean clothes and clean sheet. Then, during the stripping off of the clothes, there was a pause for the stripping of the sheet, all the while forgetting about life-threatening rolling over. Of course, there was rolling over on the changing pad and another small heart attack.

Things are so much harder now that that she pukes real food and moves on her own. It’s only going to go downhill from here, isn’t it? Gerald says that a bad day at home is still better than a good day at work. I’m not so sure about that…. Even on the worst day at work, no one shit on me. Literally, that is.

Workin’ 9 to 5

First off, thank you all for your advice on the bedtime issue and your well wishes. I’m going to let Maddie stay up as late as she’ll go and try to get us to 7:30. I’m also going to move her naps back to help her not get tired so early.

Now, for the really big news. I’m still a working girl. At the last minute, Workplace made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I’m working from home. How cool is that???? I’m still working part-time, but I’m doing different things now. I’m going to go into the office once a month, but otherwise, I’m flying solo.

I’m beyond thrilled with this arrangement. I’m home with the baby, and NOT POOR! Don’t get me wrong… I was totally prepared to be poor. Maddie’s more than worth it. But NOT POOR is way better than poor. So, I guess this makes me a sahm and a wahm. One who is NOT POOR, in case you hadn’t heard. It’s going to take some work to get a schedule together that works for me, the baby and the Workplace, but I’m confident we’ll manage.

Today, I’m taking Maddie for her very first professional portraits. I can’t wait to see how they turn out! I’ve got tons of picture frames just waiting for her fat little cheeks.

**Update**

Wow. That was…. interesting, to say the least. Maddie didn’t nap well this morning, so we started off on the wrong foot. The photographers were super sweet and patient, but Maddie wasn’t having any of it. She actually burst into tears a few times during the sitting. This is unusual for her. She’s normally very laid back in new situations. I’m guessing it was the lack of nap that set her on edge.

Despite the non-cooperative wee one, we got some good shots. I ended up spending $75 on pictures. Too be honest, $30 was for one picture alone. I can’t speak for all Penney’s studios, but this one was really good. I’m definitely taking Maddie back as she gets older.

Know what tomorrow is?

MY LAST DAY AT WORK!!!

My husband made me write this post.

Now that I’ll be an official sahm, my first order of business will be to move the baby’s bedtime back a couple of hours. Maddie’s current bedtime is 6:00pm. Now, before you get your undies in a bunch because that sounds REALLY EARLY and we must be THE WORST PARENTS EVER, let me tell you why she goes to bed at 6:00. We get up at 5:00AM on workdays. Therefore, Maddie must be in bed by 6:00 to be functioning and awake at five o’god o’clock in the morning.

Since she, nor I, will have to get up that early, there’s no need for her to go to bed that early. I’d like to move her bedtime back to 7:30pm. I’m thinking the best way to do this is to move it by 15 minute increments until we get to 7:30. However, my husband wanted me to post about it and ask if any of you have any advice on the matter.

Please leave said advice in the comments. Those of you who are still to uptight to leave a comment, may continue to email me directly…. ahem, Aunt P, this means you.

Thank you for your support.

In my right mind

Happy Left Hander’s Day to all my fellow southpaws!

The Ultimate Betrayal

Maddie has been saying “dada” for two days straight. Everything and everyone is dada.

Dada. Not mama. No, it’s good that she should say dada with such obvious enjoyment. Who am I? I’m just the one who bore her for 37 hellish weeks. Enduring four months of bed rest and hospital stays. I’m the one who pumped relentlessly, trying to feed her. I’m the one who woke up at all hours of the night with her. I’m the one who’s giving up my career to nurture and care for her.

Say “dada” all you want to. I don’t care. Not one little bit.

Further proof that Texas is hell on Earth

AWOL

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet this week. I’d like to tell you that it’s because I’ve been really busy with some important tasks, but that’s just not the case.

Basically, I’ve been lazy. I’ve had a few books that I’ve really wanted to read, so posting wasn’t a high priority. Also? I didn’t have anything to say. I’m getting ready to wrap up things at the Workplace and make the transition to sahm. I feel really good about it and I’m looking forward to more time with the baby.

Speaking of babies growing up too damned fast, Maddie crawled today. And where was I? IN THE BATHROOM. Even more tragically, this is NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. This is the second major milestone that I missed because of PEE. I was prepared to miss some milestones because I was at work. I had mentally prepared myself for the fact that Maddie’s babysitter may be the first one to see her do some things, but I had never prepared myself for the fact that my husband would see things first because I have a bladder the size of a kiwi. Where are all the pregnancy books that tell you this is how it’s going to be? Huh? And what about all the other stuff they leave out? Like:

Your hair falling out in clumps when your baby is 3 months old.
Breastfeeding is so damned hard that you may feel like a total failure as a mother and as a woman.
You will never sleep through the night again, even when your baby does because every little sound wakes you. Is that the baby?
You will say and do things you never would have dreamed you’d ever do. You won’t even be drunk when you do them.
You will be VERY interested in another human being’s poop output.
Once your baby is born, you envision horrible, tragic things happening to them all the damned time. Swistle calls it “The Knife Thing.” As in, imaging the knife you’re putting into the dishwasher slips and stabs your baby, even though he or she is in another room. Dropping your baby is another common one. Mine is imagining forgetting her in the car in Texas in August.

We need to get together and write a book about what it’s really like. Although, I doubt many women will still want babies after reading it. It’s pretty scary stuff.

Do they make straight-jackets in size 6 mos?

Moms of the world, I need some advice. Before I have to get out the duct tape and use it on my kid. Pronto.

Over the last month or so, Maddie has gotten increasingly difficult to bottle feed. She refuses to sit still anymore. She whips her head around like she’s auditioning for The Exorcist and does that back-arching-stiff-limbed thing that I hate so damned much. Why? Because she’s nosy. She wants to be up, looking around and reaching for everything. Also, she’s stopped trying to hold the bottle herself, anymore. Now, she just grabs at my face and hair, if she can reach it. Like she can’t stop playing long enough to eat. I have to practically hog-tie her to get her to eat. There are times when I have to physically restrain her so that I can get three ounces down her gullet. It. Is. So. Incredibly. Frustrating.

The only time this isn’t an issue is when she’s nice and tired. She lays there, docile as a lamb, and drinks a whole bottle. It’s pure bliss.

I’ve tried letting her sit up and drink, but she won’t do it. She doesn’t tip her head back, so the milk doesn’t get to the nipple. Also, there is still the head-whipping-around thing.

Any advice? I’m finding myself getting angry at her, and I don’t want that.

Is it wrong that I have a crush on William Shatner?

I saw this commercial this morning and laughed myself silly. “Falcon of Truth” HAHAHA