Excited. Also, Conflicted
One month from today will be my last day at the Workplace. I’m very excited, as you can see from the way I’m counting down the days. But, there is a whole slew of other things I’m feeling about this change.
First, there’s the inevitable worry. Are we making the right decision for our family? Will Gerald resent having to work so hard while I’m home with Maddie? (Which looks easier than working outside the home to people who have never done it.) Will we be able to pay the bills? A person could drown in all the worries, and that’s pretty much expected with this type of decision. I mean, I expected these worries, at least.
What I was totally unprepared for was the feeling of left-outedness. (Yes, I just made that word up right now.) One of my best friends is in medical school and she was telling me about her new rotations the other day and all I could think about was the enormous step back I’m taking. Which is weird, because I’ve never really been career minded. Sure, I work and I’m good at what I do and I get raises and promotions, but I’m pretty much working to pay for my life. Not out of some desire to fulfill myself. Work doesn’t do that for me. I don’t identify myself as my job. So, why the sudden sadness about not having one? Am I afraid that people will look down on my decision to stay home with Maddie? Will they think I’m just lazy and will sit around blogging while Maddie cries for attention? I mean, um, will people call me “unemployed” simply because I work 24/7 for no paycheck? Do I care what other people think? Yeah, I do. Not so much that I’m going to let it stop me from doing what’s best for my daughter, but I do care. I don’t want to be looked down upon. I don’t think any of us does.
Two of my other very good friends just left our Workplace for a new Workplace. Together. So, I’m also jealous of them starting out on a new journey together while I watch from the sidelines. I’d love to be in there with them, if only I could bring Maddie with me.
And then there’s the fear of no friends. I make almost all my friends at the Workplace. I even stay friends with most of them after one of us has moved on. But now how will I make friends? What if I go crazy from loneliness? What if the other moms at the playground don’t like me? What if they make fun of me because I’m fat? What if they won’t let their kids play with Maddie? It’s like junior high all over again, people!
So, there you have it. I’m betting you’re pretty sorry you asked, aren’tcha?
PS - Gratuitous baby por vouz.
Filed under: uncategorized on July 16th, 2007
It is a very conflicting decision. I am proud to be a sahm, but at the same time, I cringe when someone asks me what I do for a living since my response usually leads to a patronizing “Oh, that’s nice” or “Aren’t you bored out of your mind?”
That’s probably why most of my friends now are also sahm’s as well. It took me a while to find them, but at least I don’t get pitiful looks from them when my idea of eating lunch out is pb&j at the park (budget, budget, budget!).
It’ll take some getting used to, but you’re going to love it. And Maddie will, too.
CUTE BABY! Look at those little legs and feets!
I don’t like it when certain forms (usually medical) require me to say I’m “unemployed.” I get what they mean–I’m not THAT touchy–but still, I don’t like it. And I worry, too, that Paul thinks of me as “staying home all day.” You know what helps, is having a whole lot more kids. Then the husband cannot WAIT to go back to work on Mondays.
I sometimes fantasize about working. I went back to work for a year and a half when Rob and William were small and Paul was out of work, and there were things I liked about it. I was relieved to go back to my stay-at-home job…but that doesn’t mean I was glad to leave ALL of it. I liked getting paid, and being around grown-ups, and getting public recognition for my competence. I liked wearing nicer clothes, and having a reason to put on lipstick, and did I mention GETTING PAID?
Look at it this way; baby-time with Maddie is going to go by so fast, it’s going to shock you.
I mean *shock you to your core*, how fast this is going to go.
Zoom. Over.
And once it’s over, it’s not coming back.
This isn’t going to be “forever”. Or even until she’s 18; not even close. It’s not going to be like that.
Zoom.
Over.
And never again.
Next it’s pre-school, then regular school, then boys, then out of the house for good.
And when that day comes, you’ll be so fucking glad you stayed home with her during these impossibly short couple of years that she’s this little that you’ll thank god every day you did it.
That is, when you’re not *crying* because you wish she was little like this again but she can’t be.
Not ever again.
As for friends and more “adult” fulfillment, careers, etc., etc., I have all that now. And while they were in school; I had a “life” even though I stayed home when they were home. I had friends and we went out and all that.
It’ll all change as she gets a bit older, you’ll see. She won’t need you as much as the years go; you’ll be forced to find something else to fill in the gap long before she’s 18, lol!
Well, if you did your “Mom” job right, that is.
She’ll have her own life, too. 
For now, you’re doing absolutely the right thing and you will never, ever regret it, despite your fears right now.
Your comment about wondering if the other moms will like you or make fun of you cracked me up. I sometimes have these thoughts too- I’ll take Addy to the church nursery and think, “Are the other moms pitying me or looking down on me ’cause I got pregnant again so fast? Do they secretly think that I’m kind of letting myself go these days? Are they judging me because of my boring diaper bag and the fact that my kid’s hair is a mess?”
And the answer is mostly no, and the tiny part that might be yes is only fair, cause I have been known to judge too! But mostly, other moms, esp. sah moms, will only be excited for you and want to encourage you.
I’m with Amber, the time goes so fast you won’t regret it for an instant.
That being said, I won’t lie, I’ve had a hard time making friends outside the workforce. Most of my friends are now people that I’ve met at my childrens school. Some of our best friends are from our church. So there are other outlets for making friends.
Money worries NEVER go away. (ok they will go away if you win the lotto, so I’ve heard) So, don’t get down on yourself for worrying.
If things get to lonely at home, try to get involved in some outside activities. Mommy and me classes are great! Another option is to take a class once a week by yourself. Something that would interest you, cake decorating, flower arranging or anything. You could meet friends there.
The possibilities are endless! Think of this as a new beginning! You will be so happy that you did!
HUGS!
grace