My greatest fear
Before Maddie was born, my greatest fear was a random act of violence that would hurt Gerald or me. Now, my greatest fear is something happening to Maddie. And when I say “greatest fear,” I mean GREATEST, MOST TERRIFYING, PARALYZING FEAR EVER KNOWN TO MAN. I love her so much that even the thought of losing her or someone hurting her makes me cry. Hell, I’m crying now just typing it.
I want to protect her from all the evil in this world. The bullies at school who knock her down and steal her lunch bag, the pedophile who tries to kidnap and molest her, the car accident we have on the way to her sitter’s house in the morning, drive-by shootings and drunk bus drivers. I’m terrified of SIDS. Of her choking to death on her bottle. Of dropping her and cracking her head open on the kitchen tile. Of her rolling off the bed and breaking an arm or a leg. These thoughts slither into my head and coil themselves around my common sense. They fill me with such dread that I have to force myself to breathe slowly to calm my heartbeat and lower my blood pressure.
I have lost a grandmother, a mother and a significant other all in the last five years. In fact, my mom died two years ago today. Each time, I lost someone dear to me, it seemed like the pain would never end and I would mourn for the rest of my life. But you know what? I didn’t. I still miss each of them very much, but I’m no longer debilitated by grief. I know, however, that if I lost Maddie, I would not survive it. Maddie is the portion of my heart that I carry on the outside of my body. If something were to ever happen to her, my heart would simply stop beating.
My mother wrote this in my baby book: “You will never know how much I love you until you have a baby of your own.” She was exactly right. I would give anything to have her here with me now so that I could tell her how much I love her right back.
Momma, I love you as big as the sky the last number of times. I hope I can be as good of a mom to Maddie as you were to me.
Filed under: uncategorized on April 17th, 2007
Erica…
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Your fears are the fears of every parent.
Fear not.
Protect her. But let her go, too, later.
Right now, you cannot conceive of letting go. Good. One day, you will. In the meantime, keep doing what you are doing, you are doing perfectly.
She is protected. Don’t worry.
And yes, I still miss my mom, my dad and my grandmother too; like…like glass cutting me, sometimes.
You know?
I understand. {{{hugs}}}}
Maddie will grow up but that’s later. Right now, you HAVE HER!
Enjoy that.
Nothing will hurt her. 
Erica, your fears are perfectly normal.
Do what Amber says, I’ve always had a lot of respect for that lady.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
I think this event has all of us shaken up. It is scary to look at my baby and know that some day I’ll have to let go. For now I’ll just protect him the only way I know how. Later, well, I’ll trust God to watch out for him.
It’s scary being a mom. You’re right, it gives a newfound respect for our mothers.
I can’t say, “I know what you feel.” There is a bond so great between a mother and child that a Dad doesn’t have. I love you greatly, and I can see your love for Maddie every day I’m with the two of you. It’s awesome. But there’s no way I have the same feelings that your Mom did. But you know what? You are going to be sooo loving to her. No matter what will happen, you will not stop loving her. God tells us to raise our children in the way they should go. That is a lot of responsibility. You can do it. You know why I know? Because Maddie is yours. She is God’s life for you and Gerald to love, nurture, and raise in His grace.
I hope that I’m making sense to you. I love you, too. Popie