For the record
Being broke sucks. And hard.
And we have three or four more months of this. We simply can’t afford to pay the bills every month without my paycheck. We’ve cut EVERYTHING we possibly can. No extras at all. Except satellite, to be honest. But that’s $50 a month and we’re short about $500 a month. $50 is a drop in the bucket.
This means that we will absolutely not be able to afford for me to stay home with the baby. This means she’s going to have to go to daycare. And I’m not sure if I’ll be able to nurse her, either. How hard will it be to pump and store and make sure the daycare place treats the breast milk correctly for her to drink it? I only got a hand-operated pump because I didn’t think I’d need it very often. And, of course, I already opened it. And electric pumps are approximately $1,000,007. Oh, and have I mentioned how my office does not have a place for nursing mothers to pump? They suggest using the bathroom to pump. Because I want my baby’s food to be where people shit and rarely wash their hands. Yum.
So, this leaves us expecting a baby and not able to raise her the way we want to. We wanted her to be raised by us, not a daycare worker. We wanted her to be nursed for at least a year. I feel like such a horrible person because now I’m pouting and stomping my feet and shouting about how I don’t want to do this anymore. Nothing is working out the way we wanted it to. I want a time machine so I can go back and tell myself not to get pregnant.
How do people do this? How have we been having children for millions of years when we’re faced with all this bullshit? How am I supposed to do what’s best for my daughter when we simply cannot do it? How do I justify raising her with third and forth place choices? It’s not fair that she’s not even born yet and I’m already fucking up.
Filed under: uncategorized on December 29th, 2006
Erica dear girl, you are NOT fucking up, lots of people find themselves in this position.
Hopefully you will manage, problems always look unmanageable when you obsess about them. Providing you can breast feed your baby for the first few weeks she should be OK. Have you spoken to a paediatric doctor about this.
Happy new year Erica.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
You can do the pumping. Ask the day care about what they do with the milk. Daycare’s are state regulated and they have to have something in place. As where to pump at work. I think I am at a loss.
Have you tried looking for a private sitter to stay home? Ask friends and family.
Can you work part time? I do understand the broke, single mom here. So my heart really goes out to you.
You’re in my prayers. I’m with Paul things somehow work out, and I know this will also.
You are not a failure you are a good mom. You care about your baby and her future.
Huggs
Theresa
Hi….I found your blog by accident when I hit “next blog” while reading a friend’s blog. I’ve truly enjoyed your musings, stories and observations because I have a 7 week old son and went through many of the same experiences when I was pregnant with him (bedrest, terbutaline, etc).
I feel bad “lurking” when you’ve provided some hearty laughs (because I can totally relate to what you say) while I struggle with motherhood. Your posts always brighten my day.
I just wanted to say that whatever you do with your daughter (stay home or daycare), you are going to be a great mom. From your posts, I know that you love your daughter already and she will sense how much you love her with all of your kisses and cuddles even if she has to go to daycare. I haven’t gone back to work yet, but from what I hear, it makes you appreciate your child even more when you’re away from them.
I’m sure there’s little comfort in hearing that from a complete stranger who has secretly been reading your blog for a while, but I wanted you to know that you’re not alone. You’re going to be a great mom, no matter what. All she really needs is your love.
P.S. I bought my electric breast pump off e-bay. Sounds gross, but I got all new tubing & suction cups so the only used thing is the pump itself.
Paul - Thank you for the wisdom. I know in my heart that whatever we have to do will end up being ok. I just get so scared sometimes.
Theresa - Unfortunately, we don’t have any family in the area except for my dad. So, she’ll have to go to an actual daycare. I’m going to talk to the folks at work and see if they’ll agree to let me come back on a part-time basis. Keep your fingers crossed.
Anon - Wow. Thank you so much for your comment. It made my whole day! It’s so nice to know that I could make someone smile.
Thanks for the pep talk, too. Like I told Paul, sometimes I just get so scared.
I looked on Craigslist and there are quite a few people selling electric pumps. Thanks for the idea! A little bleach water or new parts and it’d be as good as new : )
Erica, I think I may still have my breast pump up in the attic, in which case it’s yours for the asking.
J